This Broken Day- Finished Piece

[jinxii]

"Can a day break into shards just as the dawn is broke?
Even before a fire is lit can it all go up in smoke?
Living in a path in which I've hollowed,
From every day a new tomorrow,
But each one I've hewn and whittled new
When entered fails to follow through
And drenched in tears and misery,
Each one finds solace in its own debris.
So I'm yearning for the day which when it breaks
Forgets yesterday's mistakes,
A day that's not beyond control,
A day, when broken, will stay whole."

100% my own work, originally posted here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25692051/

Rep, constructive critisism and so on appreciated. <3

[FlyingJesus]

That's brilliant, really well written, and a great song in your sig too ^_^
+rep

As for criticism, the only thing I can see is that you might need to have

"A day, which when broken, will remain whole."

At the end, but it works fine without.

[Polly-alyssa]

I like it :)

[jinxii]

Ty <3 =)

[Juicette]

I like the poem ;D

[Nightrose]

very nice

[jinxii]

Cheers. =) <3

[louder]

Very good, + rep.

[heartQUIVER]

Incrudeabilicous [:

REP COMING YOUR WAY..

[jinxii]

Ty both of you. \o/ Was my feeble attempt at iambic pentameter. There's another poem in this forum which is a WIP but still a long time has gone into it. It's called House of Cards. ;) Check it out

[,x-Jay]

That is just amazing. It has so much feeling to it. I would rep you but I already repped you this month. 10/10.


- Jay.

[Jane]

Ty both of you. \o/ Was my feeble attempt at iambic pentameter. There's another poem in this forum which is a WIP but still a long time has gone into it. It's called House of Cards. ;) Check it out

Iamic Pentameter is teh devil. Damn you Shakespeare. Anyway, it's amazing! +rep

[jinxii]

Thanks everybody. ^^