A Perfect World...

[Adzeh]

An impacting poem written by yours truly depciting and describing the view of a perfect world with the viewpoints of two contasting people. Please take the time to appreciate the points mentioned and post your comments.

A Perfect World

Do we live in a perfect world,
Water to wash and waste,
Pure, safe, clean,
Annoyance of a simple chill, Heating, blankets, love.

Do we live in a pefect world?
A muddy mouthful from a spring miles away,
Dirty, disease, another day of life,
A harsh winter, Cold, lonely, death.

Do we live in a perfect world?
Fast food whenever and wherever we want,
Cheap, convenient, tasty,
Pricey clothes and labels,
Stylish, cool, popularity.


Do we live in a perfect world?
Fast food on the run,
A chase, a hunt, a kill,
Bare rags and nakedness,
Insufficient, small, cold.


Do we live in a perfect world?
Home from a 7 hour shift,
Tired, content, richer,
A horror film on TV,
A knife, a scare, a good time.


Do we live in a perfect world?
A 14 hour shift to keep your home,
Hungry, tears, poor,
A horror of a life,
A soldier, a mother, a gunshot, a child's screams.

Do we live in a perfect world?

Thank you.

[jinxii]

Nice concept, but maybe a bit cliched. Nice technique too, with repetition and shiz, but it's nothing special. There are no phrases that stick in the mind. And no rhyming! *loves rhyming poetry, to the dismay of her A Level English teacher*

[Adzeh]

I'll bear it in mind :) Thanks dood.

[Markness.]

i think rhyming poetry is tacky and your poem is great, and makes you think...

[Adzeh]

Thanks dude, I aimed for the impactive side.

[Sony.Com]

Thats really good man.
Deep

[Adzeh]

Lol deeep :p.

Thanks mate.

[Wayne]

Well, it's a different approach to poetry, but to be honest it is really good. It is clear that you have tried to make the reader think, and you have done just that. Well done, very good. :)

[Adzeh]

3/3 so far :).

Thanks alot.

[FlyingJesus]

The only change I'd make it making "lonely" into "loneliness" as it fits better with the rest of what's being said. Other than that, smashing stuff ;)

[Adzeh]

Thanks for the advice :).

4/4

[Many]

Yeah its good, must of taken time. Well done. ;)

[Adzeh]

5/5 score :).

Thanks mate.