Zenzi
26-07-2006, 07:05 PM
I'm going to post a series of help titles, aimed at giving people a rough idea of coming out etc.
The Guide wasn't written by me, but by my friend, (who just happens to be steaming, sexy hawt)
Also, by reading it, it could help straight people understand some of the pain and anxiety Gay and Lesbian people have to endure?
Don't just disregard if you're straight, there's some interesting stuff in here!
Enjoy, and hopefully, it might even help some of you to make decisions for the near/ distant future?
Coming Out
It is a big deal and is often seen as a must for young people. How should you do it? When? Why? are all very good questions that we aim to deal with in this section of the website. We have sourced a variety of coming out stories and written guides to lend you some advice. Hopefully by reading these you'll get few ideas on how you might come out, or not come out as the case may be.
Why Come Out?
To live a life where you have to hide the very person you are is to some people unacceptable. Other people become tired of others guessing and talking behind their backs. It’s really a matter of personal choice. One thing is for sure though, and I can’t stress this enough…tell nobody until you are sure yourself. As a kid I would often participate in sexual play with other lads. As a teenager I had other homosexual experiences. BUT you must realise that such activities occur in the adolescent lives of nearly all people, gay and straight alike. It’s a natural process of discovering sexuality.
Even if you feel that your parents already know you are gay, there is sometimes a need to put it into words, because by doing this, you force them to face the truth. This may sound like a brutal thing to force your parents into, but if it’s not done, it’s possible that they are not accepting you for what you are – like living a lie.
At the age of 17 I think I was pretty much certain I was gay, as I had no attraction to girls in an emotional way. It was another year before I told my parents after this realisation. For me I felt that it was unfair to my parents to keep my sexuality hidden because I was staying out ‘til past midnight most nights with my boyfriend. This was causing them concern because I’d never tell them where I was (a gay bar) or who I was with. Being in a very close family, I felt that I had to tell them.
If you feel you must tell your parents about your sexuality, then I wish you all success, but to those who are unsure, I recommend that you wait until you are certain before you say anything. Many people never tell their parents. It’s your life and it’s your decision. In the end, you know your parents better than anybody else, so you know how they’ll react most likely. If things are fine as they are, and you are happy to hide your sexuality, then you may feel that there is no reason to tell anybody. That’s fine and it’s your decision – don’t let anybody else make it for you.
One final point I would like to mention is that during the 1960’s thousands of gay people came out in public, which is one of the major events which has given us the more liberal world we have today. If we then sit back and say nothing, then things will never get better and may even deteriorate. But coming out is a big step, and is not always made by everyone. It is, in the end, a personal choice.
Coming Out To Friends
This guide to coming out aims to tackle a number of questions young gay, lesbian and bisexual people have. I’ve tried to make it appropriate for people from all cultures as it is a very influential factor. We strongly advise people in highly opinionated communities to call their local gay/lesbian/bisexual (GLB) switch board before coming out. This guide has been written with “first-timers” in mind. We have done our best to include more specific examples too - even coming out to your current straight other half – please visit advice & information section for these and more....
Why?
By now you are probably used to keeping it a secret and are thinking you don’t need to come out. It is probably true, there is no need. But remember you do not know what it feels like to be out. The burden of your secret may be greater than you think. You’ll be surprised about how different you feel being out. There are some needs though. This ‘promotion’ is an ideal and this is not always achieved straight away. It is a good idea to get it off your chest and there is no right way of doing this but there are wrong ways. You should think carefully about who, when and how you tell people.
Are you….?
Before coming out it is important that you are comfortable with your sexuality. Are you? It probably seems as if everyone is slightly homophobic. This is not necessarily the case. Many people express homophobic (anti-gay) attitudes because they – like you – have been exposed to those opinions for a long time and will think nothing of it.
Homophobia makes us feel uncomfortable with the idea of being gay. In our generation it’s often seen as un-cool to be different. This immature ideals of the world will not go away but in accepting your sexuality 100%, telling your friends will not feel like telling them you are a freak, but that you are a secure gay person. You should understand and be comfortable with your own sexuality in the same way that you will want the people that you tell to be comfortable and understanding.
Being gay is not all about the sexual act. You know this and I know this. Some people do not. Some people are ‘turned-off’ when they hear about gay-related issues. This may be because they are thinking of the act of gay sex. When you tell people it should be explaining how you feel towards guys and girls in both non sexual ways as well – explain your real desires. You’re allowed to be emotional when you come out!
Emotions are good but do not come out simply to spite someone, to make a point or to get the sympathy vote. Come out for yourself and not to harm other people. For example it may seem easier to tell someone who fancies you, but it will damage them. Another example: some people may want more attention from their social group. Doing this is likely to harm you and have a far greater impact on you than it will on other people....
Age Issues
You may already be comfortable with your sexuality, however you’re likely to have fears about coming out. If you are particularly young (say 14/15 or under) you may wish to wait a while longer. Although many people know they are gay before the age of 14, some will doubt whether you are at all. Coming out at such a young age may be even harder than usual as young teenagers are not always sympathetic and understanding. The people around you may not be as grown up as you are.
What’s there to be scared of?
For once this is not a rhetorical question. Coming out is all about fear and anxiety. After all, if those two things were not important you’d not be reading this and I would never have written it.
Here are a few things people tend to be scared about.
• Being picked on or excluded
• Everyone finding out – losing control
• A bad reaction: homophobic etc.
• Losing friends or long term strife
• Feeling lonely
These are the sorts of fears that might be stopping you from coming out. It is important to ***** your own situation and culture. If you know that in the past your friends have been explicitly homophobic then you will not want to come out to them. In this case coming out may make things worse.
Be selective about who and how you tell people. It’s best to start off telling one person who you are close to and trust. Make sure that they understand how you feel about your privacy. Doing this reduces the number of people who will know, it will stop gossip flooding around the place – you’ll be in complete control. If you are very selective then it is unlikely that you will be picked on or excluded because people know that you’re gay. If your first chosen person reacts well then they will be a wonderful point-of-call for advice about who you should tell next if they are in the same friendship group as you are.
__________________________________________________ ________
Jonny's Coming Out Story:
I remember it clearly. It was a cold February morning and I had been 15 for barely 3 months. I was in the Land of Nod dreaming of winning the Ms America Pageant. I was sternly awoken by very frantic and loud knocking on my door.
Sleepily, I got out of bed accepting a bouquet of flowers, woke up and opened the door. There on the end of my dads out-stretched arm was a ****ographic picture glaring me in the face. “What is this?!” he yelled. My sleeping ears rang like a pair of dirty underpants. He had obviously accidentally come across it on the computer and decided that just looking wasn’t humiliating enough. Instead he printed a top 5.
http://www.thegyc.com/images/zoom/YSDRPF/JON3.jpg
Jonny
I was promptly marched in my underwear down to the kitchen where mum sat smoking. “What’s this?” she asked. Fear seeped through my underwear as I answered “****?”, the classic “I don't know what it is” answer of a guilty boy. “What are you doing looking at this kind of stuff?”. Could questioning in my house get any more direct and personal? How about you ask for my ***** size? “Are you gay?”'. Silence can speak a thousand words and I could see my dad’s eyes well and his face become red. “It’s OK if you are, you know” mum reassured. My heart was pounding for the few minutes until I released a whimpering “yes” I peered round the room and dad had his back to me pouring a cup of tea. Why? Why oh why did we buy a house that was structurally sound? I wanted a huge girder to come crashing down on me, but instead the net curtains brushed my leg lovingly. “Its OK!” mum exclaimed “We’ve already accepted it” at that point I swear to god her nose grew at least 6 foot. I was allowed to scamper back to my bed where I lay there for a good four hours starring at the ceiling. It took my mum a month or so to adjust to the change to which she is now clued up on gay life and she has embraced it with open arms. Dad, however, is still standing in the kitchen pouring a cup of tea. He never accepted me and we now lead separate lives.
__________________________________________________ ______________________
Relationships
Age Concerns
Everyone seems to have a different opinion on the matter of age. Is it ok to date someone who is significantly older or younger than you are? When does it matter? Why? These are a few questions that crop up.
In terms of dating, concern about age exists when it is between the very young – say sixteen or so – and the significantly older – say twenty six and upwards. But what is a ‘significant’ age gap? How should I, when I am presented with the prospects of a relationship with an older man, judge the age gap? Perhaps it is a matter of how much I trust that person.
What might be worrying about the age gap in the case of teen vs. twenties is that the relationship may be unbalanced. The older man or woman is most likely to have more experience in love, relationships and sex so will have an entirely different set of expectations from the younger half. The pressure of these expectations (say sexual wants) may be stressful and demanding on the other who perhaps wants something completely different. This is one concern age gaps could be said to hold.
On the other hand experience is a very attractive thing. So is the recognition of culture that comes with years of life experience. Perhaps money is attractive to you – fair enough. Yet however much experience someone has this will not change others points of view about the issue of age between teens and twenties +. If you are a person who is affected by the opinions of others with ease or feel damaged by criticism – then perhaps in the long run an open relationship with an elder or younger person may not be for you! You may find you get turned off your partner because of the constant backlash from others – you may find such a relationship is too much like hard work.
Keeping Him Sweet - Maintaining A Relationship
It's hard to get life right. Nobody is perfect. Especially when it comes to relationships and romance. But hopefully after reading this comical Memoir, "The Dos and Don'ts of Keeping him Sweet", you'll be one step closer to perfection.
DO – Tell your partner how much you're in love.
DON'T – Tell your partner you're in love with his father.
DO – Surprise your partner with a gift once in a while.
DON'T – Surprise your partner by claiming you 'have a gift' which is that you're Jesus and want to repent his sins.
DO – Write loving messages in valentine's cards.
DON'T –Write, "I want to express my love for you physically by inserting my ***** into your bottom and moving it rhythmically until the point of ejaculation. Prior to that we may kiss or perhaps touch each others genitals".
DO – Use candles to create a romantic atmosphere.
DON'T – Use atom bombs as mood lighting.
DO – Playfully pinch, nibble and poke.
DON'T – Throw a glass of acid.
DO – Kiss gently.
DON'T – Kiss a donkey's willy.
DO – Prepare and make a wonderful meal for two.
DON'T – Prepare a Big Mac and chips by candle light claiming it's an old family recipe and in actual fact your sir name isn't Collins, "it's Macdonald".
DO – Enjoy meeting your partner's friends and family.
DON'T – Enjoy eating your partner's friends and family.
DO – Hold hands when walking together in public.
DON'T – Hold each others k**** when walking together in public.
DO – Share special moments with each other.
DON'T – Think that a special moment is when you finally make 'splash down' after 3 hours constipated on the toilet.
DO – Play romantic music during sex, dinner and peaceful moments.
DON'T – Throw a full-blown rave.
DO – Use a condom during sex
DON'T – Use a cheese grater during sex.
DO – Comment on how lovely your partner is looking.
DON'T – Throw up afterwards.
And so concludes this chapter on the Dos and Don'ts of keeping him sweet. Just remember, you want to do the "Dos" and don't do the "Don'ts" – I'm confused!
Eh–Oh... I've just done a do.
Zenzi Note: Please be aware, that I don't, in any way, take any of the credit for the above help guide. I thought it would be good to have and I am simply passing it from a friend.
The Guide wasn't written by me, but by my friend, (who just happens to be steaming, sexy hawt)
Also, by reading it, it could help straight people understand some of the pain and anxiety Gay and Lesbian people have to endure?
Don't just disregard if you're straight, there's some interesting stuff in here!
Enjoy, and hopefully, it might even help some of you to make decisions for the near/ distant future?
Coming Out
It is a big deal and is often seen as a must for young people. How should you do it? When? Why? are all very good questions that we aim to deal with in this section of the website. We have sourced a variety of coming out stories and written guides to lend you some advice. Hopefully by reading these you'll get few ideas on how you might come out, or not come out as the case may be.
Why Come Out?
To live a life where you have to hide the very person you are is to some people unacceptable. Other people become tired of others guessing and talking behind their backs. It’s really a matter of personal choice. One thing is for sure though, and I can’t stress this enough…tell nobody until you are sure yourself. As a kid I would often participate in sexual play with other lads. As a teenager I had other homosexual experiences. BUT you must realise that such activities occur in the adolescent lives of nearly all people, gay and straight alike. It’s a natural process of discovering sexuality.
Even if you feel that your parents already know you are gay, there is sometimes a need to put it into words, because by doing this, you force them to face the truth. This may sound like a brutal thing to force your parents into, but if it’s not done, it’s possible that they are not accepting you for what you are – like living a lie.
At the age of 17 I think I was pretty much certain I was gay, as I had no attraction to girls in an emotional way. It was another year before I told my parents after this realisation. For me I felt that it was unfair to my parents to keep my sexuality hidden because I was staying out ‘til past midnight most nights with my boyfriend. This was causing them concern because I’d never tell them where I was (a gay bar) or who I was with. Being in a very close family, I felt that I had to tell them.
If you feel you must tell your parents about your sexuality, then I wish you all success, but to those who are unsure, I recommend that you wait until you are certain before you say anything. Many people never tell their parents. It’s your life and it’s your decision. In the end, you know your parents better than anybody else, so you know how they’ll react most likely. If things are fine as they are, and you are happy to hide your sexuality, then you may feel that there is no reason to tell anybody. That’s fine and it’s your decision – don’t let anybody else make it for you.
One final point I would like to mention is that during the 1960’s thousands of gay people came out in public, which is one of the major events which has given us the more liberal world we have today. If we then sit back and say nothing, then things will never get better and may even deteriorate. But coming out is a big step, and is not always made by everyone. It is, in the end, a personal choice.
Coming Out To Friends
This guide to coming out aims to tackle a number of questions young gay, lesbian and bisexual people have. I’ve tried to make it appropriate for people from all cultures as it is a very influential factor. We strongly advise people in highly opinionated communities to call their local gay/lesbian/bisexual (GLB) switch board before coming out. This guide has been written with “first-timers” in mind. We have done our best to include more specific examples too - even coming out to your current straight other half – please visit advice & information section for these and more....
Why?
By now you are probably used to keeping it a secret and are thinking you don’t need to come out. It is probably true, there is no need. But remember you do not know what it feels like to be out. The burden of your secret may be greater than you think. You’ll be surprised about how different you feel being out. There are some needs though. This ‘promotion’ is an ideal and this is not always achieved straight away. It is a good idea to get it off your chest and there is no right way of doing this but there are wrong ways. You should think carefully about who, when and how you tell people.
Are you….?
Before coming out it is important that you are comfortable with your sexuality. Are you? It probably seems as if everyone is slightly homophobic. This is not necessarily the case. Many people express homophobic (anti-gay) attitudes because they – like you – have been exposed to those opinions for a long time and will think nothing of it.
Homophobia makes us feel uncomfortable with the idea of being gay. In our generation it’s often seen as un-cool to be different. This immature ideals of the world will not go away but in accepting your sexuality 100%, telling your friends will not feel like telling them you are a freak, but that you are a secure gay person. You should understand and be comfortable with your own sexuality in the same way that you will want the people that you tell to be comfortable and understanding.
Being gay is not all about the sexual act. You know this and I know this. Some people do not. Some people are ‘turned-off’ when they hear about gay-related issues. This may be because they are thinking of the act of gay sex. When you tell people it should be explaining how you feel towards guys and girls in both non sexual ways as well – explain your real desires. You’re allowed to be emotional when you come out!
Emotions are good but do not come out simply to spite someone, to make a point or to get the sympathy vote. Come out for yourself and not to harm other people. For example it may seem easier to tell someone who fancies you, but it will damage them. Another example: some people may want more attention from their social group. Doing this is likely to harm you and have a far greater impact on you than it will on other people....
Age Issues
You may already be comfortable with your sexuality, however you’re likely to have fears about coming out. If you are particularly young (say 14/15 or under) you may wish to wait a while longer. Although many people know they are gay before the age of 14, some will doubt whether you are at all. Coming out at such a young age may be even harder than usual as young teenagers are not always sympathetic and understanding. The people around you may not be as grown up as you are.
What’s there to be scared of?
For once this is not a rhetorical question. Coming out is all about fear and anxiety. After all, if those two things were not important you’d not be reading this and I would never have written it.
Here are a few things people tend to be scared about.
• Being picked on or excluded
• Everyone finding out – losing control
• A bad reaction: homophobic etc.
• Losing friends or long term strife
• Feeling lonely
These are the sorts of fears that might be stopping you from coming out. It is important to ***** your own situation and culture. If you know that in the past your friends have been explicitly homophobic then you will not want to come out to them. In this case coming out may make things worse.
Be selective about who and how you tell people. It’s best to start off telling one person who you are close to and trust. Make sure that they understand how you feel about your privacy. Doing this reduces the number of people who will know, it will stop gossip flooding around the place – you’ll be in complete control. If you are very selective then it is unlikely that you will be picked on or excluded because people know that you’re gay. If your first chosen person reacts well then they will be a wonderful point-of-call for advice about who you should tell next if they are in the same friendship group as you are.
__________________________________________________ ________
Jonny's Coming Out Story:
I remember it clearly. It was a cold February morning and I had been 15 for barely 3 months. I was in the Land of Nod dreaming of winning the Ms America Pageant. I was sternly awoken by very frantic and loud knocking on my door.
Sleepily, I got out of bed accepting a bouquet of flowers, woke up and opened the door. There on the end of my dads out-stretched arm was a ****ographic picture glaring me in the face. “What is this?!” he yelled. My sleeping ears rang like a pair of dirty underpants. He had obviously accidentally come across it on the computer and decided that just looking wasn’t humiliating enough. Instead he printed a top 5.
http://www.thegyc.com/images/zoom/YSDRPF/JON3.jpg
Jonny
I was promptly marched in my underwear down to the kitchen where mum sat smoking. “What’s this?” she asked. Fear seeped through my underwear as I answered “****?”, the classic “I don't know what it is” answer of a guilty boy. “What are you doing looking at this kind of stuff?”. Could questioning in my house get any more direct and personal? How about you ask for my ***** size? “Are you gay?”'. Silence can speak a thousand words and I could see my dad’s eyes well and his face become red. “It’s OK if you are, you know” mum reassured. My heart was pounding for the few minutes until I released a whimpering “yes” I peered round the room and dad had his back to me pouring a cup of tea. Why? Why oh why did we buy a house that was structurally sound? I wanted a huge girder to come crashing down on me, but instead the net curtains brushed my leg lovingly. “Its OK!” mum exclaimed “We’ve already accepted it” at that point I swear to god her nose grew at least 6 foot. I was allowed to scamper back to my bed where I lay there for a good four hours starring at the ceiling. It took my mum a month or so to adjust to the change to which she is now clued up on gay life and she has embraced it with open arms. Dad, however, is still standing in the kitchen pouring a cup of tea. He never accepted me and we now lead separate lives.
__________________________________________________ ______________________
Relationships
Age Concerns
Everyone seems to have a different opinion on the matter of age. Is it ok to date someone who is significantly older or younger than you are? When does it matter? Why? These are a few questions that crop up.
In terms of dating, concern about age exists when it is between the very young – say sixteen or so – and the significantly older – say twenty six and upwards. But what is a ‘significant’ age gap? How should I, when I am presented with the prospects of a relationship with an older man, judge the age gap? Perhaps it is a matter of how much I trust that person.
What might be worrying about the age gap in the case of teen vs. twenties is that the relationship may be unbalanced. The older man or woman is most likely to have more experience in love, relationships and sex so will have an entirely different set of expectations from the younger half. The pressure of these expectations (say sexual wants) may be stressful and demanding on the other who perhaps wants something completely different. This is one concern age gaps could be said to hold.
On the other hand experience is a very attractive thing. So is the recognition of culture that comes with years of life experience. Perhaps money is attractive to you – fair enough. Yet however much experience someone has this will not change others points of view about the issue of age between teens and twenties +. If you are a person who is affected by the opinions of others with ease or feel damaged by criticism – then perhaps in the long run an open relationship with an elder or younger person may not be for you! You may find you get turned off your partner because of the constant backlash from others – you may find such a relationship is too much like hard work.
Keeping Him Sweet - Maintaining A Relationship
It's hard to get life right. Nobody is perfect. Especially when it comes to relationships and romance. But hopefully after reading this comical Memoir, "The Dos and Don'ts of Keeping him Sweet", you'll be one step closer to perfection.
DO – Tell your partner how much you're in love.
DON'T – Tell your partner you're in love with his father.
DO – Surprise your partner with a gift once in a while.
DON'T – Surprise your partner by claiming you 'have a gift' which is that you're Jesus and want to repent his sins.
DO – Write loving messages in valentine's cards.
DON'T –Write, "I want to express my love for you physically by inserting my ***** into your bottom and moving it rhythmically until the point of ejaculation. Prior to that we may kiss or perhaps touch each others genitals".
DO – Use candles to create a romantic atmosphere.
DON'T – Use atom bombs as mood lighting.
DO – Playfully pinch, nibble and poke.
DON'T – Throw a glass of acid.
DO – Kiss gently.
DON'T – Kiss a donkey's willy.
DO – Prepare and make a wonderful meal for two.
DON'T – Prepare a Big Mac and chips by candle light claiming it's an old family recipe and in actual fact your sir name isn't Collins, "it's Macdonald".
DO – Enjoy meeting your partner's friends and family.
DON'T – Enjoy eating your partner's friends and family.
DO – Hold hands when walking together in public.
DON'T – Hold each others k**** when walking together in public.
DO – Share special moments with each other.
DON'T – Think that a special moment is when you finally make 'splash down' after 3 hours constipated on the toilet.
DO – Play romantic music during sex, dinner and peaceful moments.
DON'T – Throw a full-blown rave.
DO – Use a condom during sex
DON'T – Use a cheese grater during sex.
DO – Comment on how lovely your partner is looking.
DON'T – Throw up afterwards.
And so concludes this chapter on the Dos and Don'ts of keeping him sweet. Just remember, you want to do the "Dos" and don't do the "Don'ts" – I'm confused!
Eh–Oh... I've just done a do.
Zenzi Note: Please be aware, that I don't, in any way, take any of the credit for the above help guide. I thought it would be good to have and I am simply passing it from a friend.