sarey
01-08-2006, 07:26 PM
Her reflection glared back at her in her ceiling to floor mirror. There was no way she could escape the truth. She was fat. Why can’t I just be pretty. Tears were brimming in her eyes as she knelt down beside her toilet and slowly pressed her fingers along the inside of her throat. The sensation that followed was instant. Her stomach lurched and with her eyes tightly shut she choked up the contents of her stomach. I swear I will be pretty. I won’t give up until I am.
* * *
Lilly thrashed her body against her quilt, sweat dripping from her forehead. She lurched upwards and her eyes fluttered open, landing on the reflection of herself in her mirror. The pale moonlight seeping through her opened window made her reflection look ghostly. Just a nightmare she thought. Images from her nightmare played out in her mind. There was crying and screaming. She’d been crying. They’d been hurting her again. Tears trickled down her cheeks and dropped onto her pillow. Slowly she drew herself up from her bed and pushed open the door to her wardrobe. Where did I put it? Her fingers grasped something metal and old. A razorblade. Her head swam in a million thoughts. Do it. Don’t do it. Why? Why Not? Just a little? End it! No-one cares... She threw herself at her bed, the metal still cold against the palm of her hand. They can’t hurt me if I don’t go back. She wiped one final teardrop from her cheek and tightly closed her eyes. It won’t hurt she promised herself as she pushed the razorblade deep into her wrist.
* * *
As slowly as she could she dragged herself up the school stairs and into her classroom, dreading the day ahead. As she entered the room she grasped her right hand around the sweatband on her left wrist. The girls on the opposite side of the class glared at her, then pointed and laughed. Lilly kept her eyes on the floor as she took her seat.
"As you know class," Ms Donavon began. "There is two weeks remaining for this task…"
Two weeks? Lilly thought. Hopefully I won’t live that long.
Lilly began to write down her interpretation of the poetry she’d been reading. A shadow swept over her. Please no. She looked up to see Natasha, Becky, Anneliese and Amie surrounding her. Glancing around the room she noticed the teacher had left. Not today she thought.
"Morning freak show," Anneliese jeered. "How are we feeling today?"
"Go away," Lilly demanded.
"Aw, that’s not very nice. Where are you manners?" Anneliese questioned.
"Maybe she needs a reminder to use them," Becky sneered.
Anneliese grabbed Lilly by the ears and smacked her face into the desk.
Lilly’s world went hazy.
Someone grabbed her hair from behind and Lilly toppled backwards and collided into the desk behind her. Tears streamed down her face and a blurred image of Becky passed before her eyes. She felt a tug at her left wrist.
"The little freak cut herself! Aw! Poor baby!" hissed Amie.
More tears spilled down Lilly’s cheeks.
"I’ll give you something to cry about," hissed Natasha.
Two blurry images placed a chair over her stomach so she couldn’t escape. Sudden stinging shocks shot throughout Lilly’s body. They were beating her with rulers.
Lilly’s body was over come with numbness. Hot tears burnt her eyes.
"Next time, don’t be so weak. Next time… Make a cut that counts," Anneliese whispered.
Lilly stared blankly at the ceiling. Was that real? She pushed the chair away from her and staggered to her feet. The entire room was silent, waiting for her next move. Quietly, she dragged herself to her seat and sat down, her dark hair hanging messily around her face. A hand touched her shoulder. Not Again… Please, no.
She looked up to see Tay standing before her.
"Are you okay?" she whispered quietly.
Lilly stared at the floor and nodded silently.
Tay wrapped her hand tightly around Lilly’s.
"I know you probably never want to talk to me again, but I want to apologize anyway. You were the best friend I ever had and I’m sorry for leaving you the way I did. It wasn’t fair and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. You have every right to hate me, but if you ever need me, I promise I’ll be here…" Tay whispered and turned to walk away.
"I... It’s okay," Lilly stammered. "I… I forgive you."
"Really?" she asked, slowly turning around.
Lilly nodded silently and fixed her eyes on the floor. The teacher walked back into the room and Tay walked silently back to her seat.
Lilly’s heart skipped a beat.
* * *
The next day Lilly sat alone in the quad, the sun warm on her back.
"Hey," Tay’s voice said from behind her. "Guess what! I bought chocolate for us, you know, to celebrate us being friends again."
Tay pulled a bag of m’n’m’s and two blocks of chocolate from her bag.
"Still your favourites?" Tay asked.
"Yeah," Lilly replied with a smile. "You remembered."
Soon enough they were throwing m’n’m’s into each others mouths and laughing like they used to.
A sudden wave of guilt swept through Lilly.
No! Her head screamed. No! No! No! How could you? Think of how fat you’ll be now!
"I…I…I’ll be right back," Lilly stammered. "Bathroom..."
Lilly threw herself into the bathrooms and pushed through a bunch of younger school girls. Carefully, she locked herself fin the cubical furthest away from the other girls. She slunk down next to the toilet. Tears brimming in her eyes she slid her fingers along the inside of her throat. Sudden convulsion swept through her body and she choked vomit out of her aching throat. She pushed herself to the side of the cubical and drew her knees up under her chin. Tears streaked her face. This will be worth It she promised herself. After a few minutes she pushed herself off the ground and wiped the tears from her face. She slowly opened the cubical door and came face-to-face with Tay. A wave of fear swept through her body. How much does she know?
"H... Hey," Lilly stammered. "You okay?"
"Shouldn’t I be asking you that?" Tay replied.
"Me?" Lilly asked, "I’m fine."
"I know what you did Lilly…" Tay said quietly. "I just want to know why."
"I don’t know what you’re on about," Lilly replied, pushing past Tay to get to the door.
Tay grabbed Lilly’s wrist. A shot a pain shot up Lilly’s arm and the sweat band slipped off.
Lilly heard Tay gasp behind her.
"It’s nothing," Lilly mumbled, grabbing her sweat band and running out of the bathroom.
The siren rang, signaling the end of lunch.
Saved by the bell she thought.
Lilly grabbed her bag and ran to her science room. Tay wasn’t in her science class and Lilly couldn’t help but feel relieved.
Her mind raced for the whole lesson.
"Lilly?" a voice called.
Lilly looked up to see her science teacher standing at the front of the room with the year co-coordinator.
"Lilly," Mr. Levi said again. "Miss Woods would like to speak with you. It’s almost the end of class so take your bag."
Lilly numbly stood up and walked towards the door with her bag. The eyes of every student in the class followed her until she was outside the room.
Silently Lilly walked with Miss Woods along the deserted corridor to the main administration building.
"Take a seat Lilly," Miss Wood said once they were alone behind her office door.
Lilly took a seat and let her bag hit the ground with a soft thud.
Miss Wood sat down behind her desk and start at Lilly thoughtfully. Lilly avoided her gaze and stared at the floor.
"How are you feeling today Lilly?" Miss Woods asked.
"Fine, thank you Miss," Lilly replied.
"Is there anything you’d like to tell me," Miss Woods asked again.
"No Miss," Lilly answered.
Miss Woods lent against her desk and stared at Lilly.
"What’s the sweat band on your wrist for Lilly," She quizzed.
Lilly shrugged and kept her gaze on the floor.
"Could you please remove it," she asked quietly.
Tears brimmed in Lilly’s eyes as she pushed the sweatband off her wrist. She looked up at Miss Woods long enough to see her lower her gaze to Lilly’s wrist. A clear look of remorse crossed her face.
"Why are you making yourself vomit Lilly," Miss Woods asked.
Lilly shrugged and returned her gaze to the floor, tears streaming down her face.
"Lilly," Miss Woods began. "We need to talk about this, it’s important. I know it’s hard for you but there are people who care about you and love you. No-one wants you to do this to yourself. Don’t you see that?"
There was a knock on the door. Miss Woods answered it and spoke briefly with whoever was on the other side.
Lilly clenched her eyes shut and wished she could disappear.
Miss Woods sighed.
"Lilly, in these situations one can only hope to do what’s in best interests for the person who isn’t happy. So the school has hired a professional counselor."
A boy only a few years older then Lilly entered the room.
"I’ll take you some where you two can talk in private," Miss Woods said.
Lilly sat down in the schools interview room across from the counselor.
"I know what it feels like," he said calmly. "I used to be on your side of the situation."
"What happened," Lilly asked quietly.
"Someone I loved died," He replied, looking into Lilly’s eyes. "So I decided I wanted to die. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, ever again. But in the end I had to. And now, now I’m glad I did."
"I’m sorry," Lilly said. "I need to go to the bathroom."
* * *
Lilly stared at the white walls around her.
Where am I?
She tried to re-trace her last steps in her mind. A shudder rippled through her body.
She was in a hospital.
I lived. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Why didn’t I die?
She remembered locking herself in the school bathrooms. She’d cut her wrists and until she’d passed out from blood loss.
Why can’t I just die?
The hospital door creaked open. Her counselor walked in. He sat down in the chair besides her and stared at the ground. After half an hour he finally spoke.
"I always hated hospitals. I felt like such a failure," he said quietly. "I don’t think we were ever introduced, I’m Ryan."
"Lilly," Lilly replied, lifting her arm to shake his hand. Instantly shots of pain shot through her arm.
"I wouldn’t try that," Ryan said. "You did yourself over pretty good."
Lilly stared at the ground. "I’m sorry," she said.
"You lived, that’s all that matters," he replied. "But that’s not why I’m here. You have a visitor. Are you feeling up to it?"
"Yeah. Sure," Lilly replied. "But, who is it?
Ryan shrugged. "Someone."
A shiver ran along Lilly’s spine.
Who’d visit me? Lilly clenched her eyes shut.
Ryan left the room and moments later some else entered.
"Lilly?" someone said.
Lilly opened her eyes.
"Sam," she whispered.
"Lil, What did you do?" He asked, shaking his head.
Lilly could see tears welling in his eyes.
What have I done?
Tears trickled down her cheeks and she stared at the ground.
"I still love you Lil. I just wish you’d told me what was going on…" he whispered, sitting beside her. "I mean, were friends right? And friends are there for each other. I want to be there for you… And I will be there for you… You’re going to be okay."
Sam hugged Lilly.
"I’m so sorry Sam… I don’t know… I just don’t know… I’m sorry," Lilly whispered back.
"It’s okay," Sam replied. ‘It’s okay Lilly."
Lilly cried in Sam’s arms until the nurse told them it was time for Sam to leave.
"I love you Lil. I’m not going anywhere, friends always," he said as he walked out the door.
That night Lilly cried herself to sleep.
* * *
Sunlight poured through the window. Lilly’s eyes fluttered open.
I don’t remember falling asleep.
"Morning sleepy head," Ryan said. "Sleep well?"
"Yeah, I guess," Lilly replied. "You?"
"Yeah, it was okay," Ryan answered. "How was seeing Sam?"
"Good. I mean, it was weird. I thought he’d just hate me like everyone else… But he said he’d stick with me… No ones ever done that before," Lilly replied.
"I had a talk to him before you woke up. He really cares about you Lilly," Ryan said.
"I know," Lilly replied thoughtfully. "I just never realised."
"He wants you to get better Lilly," Ryan said.
"I know…" she answered.
"I want you to get better Lilly. And I won’t leave you either," Ryan promised. "So what do you say? Let’s give it a try? For me and Sam?"
"You promise you won’t leave me?" Lilly asked, tears bring in her eyes.
"I promise," Ryan repeated.
"Okay," Lilly answered. "For you and Sam."
* * *
Lilly thrashed her body against her quilt, sweat dripping from her forehead. She lurched upwards and her eyes fluttered open, landing on the reflection of herself in her mirror. The pale moonlight seeping through her opened window made her reflection look ghostly. Just a nightmare she thought. Images from her nightmare played out in her mind. There was crying and screaming. She’d been crying. They’d been hurting her again. Tears trickled down her cheeks and dropped onto her pillow. Slowly she drew herself up from her bed and pushed open the door to her wardrobe. Where did I put it? Her fingers grasped something metal and old. A razorblade. Her head swam in a million thoughts. Do it. Don’t do it. Why? Why Not? Just a little? End it! No-one cares... She threw herself at her bed, the metal still cold against the palm of her hand. They can’t hurt me if I don’t go back. She wiped one final teardrop from her cheek and tightly closed her eyes. It won’t hurt she promised herself as she pushed the razorblade deep into her wrist.
* * *
As slowly as she could she dragged herself up the school stairs and into her classroom, dreading the day ahead. As she entered the room she grasped her right hand around the sweatband on her left wrist. The girls on the opposite side of the class glared at her, then pointed and laughed. Lilly kept her eyes on the floor as she took her seat.
"As you know class," Ms Donavon began. "There is two weeks remaining for this task…"
Two weeks? Lilly thought. Hopefully I won’t live that long.
Lilly began to write down her interpretation of the poetry she’d been reading. A shadow swept over her. Please no. She looked up to see Natasha, Becky, Anneliese and Amie surrounding her. Glancing around the room she noticed the teacher had left. Not today she thought.
"Morning freak show," Anneliese jeered. "How are we feeling today?"
"Go away," Lilly demanded.
"Aw, that’s not very nice. Where are you manners?" Anneliese questioned.
"Maybe she needs a reminder to use them," Becky sneered.
Anneliese grabbed Lilly by the ears and smacked her face into the desk.
Lilly’s world went hazy.
Someone grabbed her hair from behind and Lilly toppled backwards and collided into the desk behind her. Tears streamed down her face and a blurred image of Becky passed before her eyes. She felt a tug at her left wrist.
"The little freak cut herself! Aw! Poor baby!" hissed Amie.
More tears spilled down Lilly’s cheeks.
"I’ll give you something to cry about," hissed Natasha.
Two blurry images placed a chair over her stomach so she couldn’t escape. Sudden stinging shocks shot throughout Lilly’s body. They were beating her with rulers.
Lilly’s body was over come with numbness. Hot tears burnt her eyes.
"Next time, don’t be so weak. Next time… Make a cut that counts," Anneliese whispered.
Lilly stared blankly at the ceiling. Was that real? She pushed the chair away from her and staggered to her feet. The entire room was silent, waiting for her next move. Quietly, she dragged herself to her seat and sat down, her dark hair hanging messily around her face. A hand touched her shoulder. Not Again… Please, no.
She looked up to see Tay standing before her.
"Are you okay?" she whispered quietly.
Lilly stared at the floor and nodded silently.
Tay wrapped her hand tightly around Lilly’s.
"I know you probably never want to talk to me again, but I want to apologize anyway. You were the best friend I ever had and I’m sorry for leaving you the way I did. It wasn’t fair and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. You have every right to hate me, but if you ever need me, I promise I’ll be here…" Tay whispered and turned to walk away.
"I... It’s okay," Lilly stammered. "I… I forgive you."
"Really?" she asked, slowly turning around.
Lilly nodded silently and fixed her eyes on the floor. The teacher walked back into the room and Tay walked silently back to her seat.
Lilly’s heart skipped a beat.
* * *
The next day Lilly sat alone in the quad, the sun warm on her back.
"Hey," Tay’s voice said from behind her. "Guess what! I bought chocolate for us, you know, to celebrate us being friends again."
Tay pulled a bag of m’n’m’s and two blocks of chocolate from her bag.
"Still your favourites?" Tay asked.
"Yeah," Lilly replied with a smile. "You remembered."
Soon enough they were throwing m’n’m’s into each others mouths and laughing like they used to.
A sudden wave of guilt swept through Lilly.
No! Her head screamed. No! No! No! How could you? Think of how fat you’ll be now!
"I…I…I’ll be right back," Lilly stammered. "Bathroom..."
Lilly threw herself into the bathrooms and pushed through a bunch of younger school girls. Carefully, she locked herself fin the cubical furthest away from the other girls. She slunk down next to the toilet. Tears brimming in her eyes she slid her fingers along the inside of her throat. Sudden convulsion swept through her body and she choked vomit out of her aching throat. She pushed herself to the side of the cubical and drew her knees up under her chin. Tears streaked her face. This will be worth It she promised herself. After a few minutes she pushed herself off the ground and wiped the tears from her face. She slowly opened the cubical door and came face-to-face with Tay. A wave of fear swept through her body. How much does she know?
"H... Hey," Lilly stammered. "You okay?"
"Shouldn’t I be asking you that?" Tay replied.
"Me?" Lilly asked, "I’m fine."
"I know what you did Lilly…" Tay said quietly. "I just want to know why."
"I don’t know what you’re on about," Lilly replied, pushing past Tay to get to the door.
Tay grabbed Lilly’s wrist. A shot a pain shot up Lilly’s arm and the sweat band slipped off.
Lilly heard Tay gasp behind her.
"It’s nothing," Lilly mumbled, grabbing her sweat band and running out of the bathroom.
The siren rang, signaling the end of lunch.
Saved by the bell she thought.
Lilly grabbed her bag and ran to her science room. Tay wasn’t in her science class and Lilly couldn’t help but feel relieved.
Her mind raced for the whole lesson.
"Lilly?" a voice called.
Lilly looked up to see her science teacher standing at the front of the room with the year co-coordinator.
"Lilly," Mr. Levi said again. "Miss Woods would like to speak with you. It’s almost the end of class so take your bag."
Lilly numbly stood up and walked towards the door with her bag. The eyes of every student in the class followed her until she was outside the room.
Silently Lilly walked with Miss Woods along the deserted corridor to the main administration building.
"Take a seat Lilly," Miss Wood said once they were alone behind her office door.
Lilly took a seat and let her bag hit the ground with a soft thud.
Miss Wood sat down behind her desk and start at Lilly thoughtfully. Lilly avoided her gaze and stared at the floor.
"How are you feeling today Lilly?" Miss Woods asked.
"Fine, thank you Miss," Lilly replied.
"Is there anything you’d like to tell me," Miss Woods asked again.
"No Miss," Lilly answered.
Miss Woods lent against her desk and stared at Lilly.
"What’s the sweat band on your wrist for Lilly," She quizzed.
Lilly shrugged and kept her gaze on the floor.
"Could you please remove it," she asked quietly.
Tears brimmed in Lilly’s eyes as she pushed the sweatband off her wrist. She looked up at Miss Woods long enough to see her lower her gaze to Lilly’s wrist. A clear look of remorse crossed her face.
"Why are you making yourself vomit Lilly," Miss Woods asked.
Lilly shrugged and returned her gaze to the floor, tears streaming down her face.
"Lilly," Miss Woods began. "We need to talk about this, it’s important. I know it’s hard for you but there are people who care about you and love you. No-one wants you to do this to yourself. Don’t you see that?"
There was a knock on the door. Miss Woods answered it and spoke briefly with whoever was on the other side.
Lilly clenched her eyes shut and wished she could disappear.
Miss Woods sighed.
"Lilly, in these situations one can only hope to do what’s in best interests for the person who isn’t happy. So the school has hired a professional counselor."
A boy only a few years older then Lilly entered the room.
"I’ll take you some where you two can talk in private," Miss Woods said.
Lilly sat down in the schools interview room across from the counselor.
"I know what it feels like," he said calmly. "I used to be on your side of the situation."
"What happened," Lilly asked quietly.
"Someone I loved died," He replied, looking into Lilly’s eyes. "So I decided I wanted to die. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, ever again. But in the end I had to. And now, now I’m glad I did."
"I’m sorry," Lilly said. "I need to go to the bathroom."
* * *
Lilly stared at the white walls around her.
Where am I?
She tried to re-trace her last steps in her mind. A shudder rippled through her body.
She was in a hospital.
I lived. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Why didn’t I die?
She remembered locking herself in the school bathrooms. She’d cut her wrists and until she’d passed out from blood loss.
Why can’t I just die?
The hospital door creaked open. Her counselor walked in. He sat down in the chair besides her and stared at the ground. After half an hour he finally spoke.
"I always hated hospitals. I felt like such a failure," he said quietly. "I don’t think we were ever introduced, I’m Ryan."
"Lilly," Lilly replied, lifting her arm to shake his hand. Instantly shots of pain shot through her arm.
"I wouldn’t try that," Ryan said. "You did yourself over pretty good."
Lilly stared at the ground. "I’m sorry," she said.
"You lived, that’s all that matters," he replied. "But that’s not why I’m here. You have a visitor. Are you feeling up to it?"
"Yeah. Sure," Lilly replied. "But, who is it?
Ryan shrugged. "Someone."
A shiver ran along Lilly’s spine.
Who’d visit me? Lilly clenched her eyes shut.
Ryan left the room and moments later some else entered.
"Lilly?" someone said.
Lilly opened her eyes.
"Sam," she whispered.
"Lil, What did you do?" He asked, shaking his head.
Lilly could see tears welling in his eyes.
What have I done?
Tears trickled down her cheeks and she stared at the ground.
"I still love you Lil. I just wish you’d told me what was going on…" he whispered, sitting beside her. "I mean, were friends right? And friends are there for each other. I want to be there for you… And I will be there for you… You’re going to be okay."
Sam hugged Lilly.
"I’m so sorry Sam… I don’t know… I just don’t know… I’m sorry," Lilly whispered back.
"It’s okay," Sam replied. ‘It’s okay Lilly."
Lilly cried in Sam’s arms until the nurse told them it was time for Sam to leave.
"I love you Lil. I’m not going anywhere, friends always," he said as he walked out the door.
That night Lilly cried herself to sleep.
* * *
Sunlight poured through the window. Lilly’s eyes fluttered open.
I don’t remember falling asleep.
"Morning sleepy head," Ryan said. "Sleep well?"
"Yeah, I guess," Lilly replied. "You?"
"Yeah, it was okay," Ryan answered. "How was seeing Sam?"
"Good. I mean, it was weird. I thought he’d just hate me like everyone else… But he said he’d stick with me… No ones ever done that before," Lilly replied.
"I had a talk to him before you woke up. He really cares about you Lilly," Ryan said.
"I know," Lilly replied thoughtfully. "I just never realised."
"He wants you to get better Lilly," Ryan said.
"I know…" she answered.
"I want you to get better Lilly. And I won’t leave you either," Ryan promised. "So what do you say? Let’s give it a try? For me and Sam?"
"You promise you won’t leave me?" Lilly asked, tears bring in her eyes.
"I promise," Ryan repeated.
"Okay," Lilly answered. "For you and Sam."