Painiac
08-03-2005, 11:48 AM
Could you read and give me some constructive criticism
“So, it’s settled then. You take him out and you get your money. But before I pay you, I want proof that he’s not a threat any more.” The assassin hung up and exited the small red phone-box. He turned and walked away, letting the heavy door swing back into place. He scuffed his black leather shoes as he limped down the street, his black trench-coat just touching the floor as he dragged it behind him. Every now and then he’d turn quickly, turning the bottom of his coat into a billowing skirt of leather, dirt and leaves. The dust annoyed his eyes; he rubbed them trying to stop the watering. As he blinked, his yellow eyes caught a glimpse of the sun just peering over the edge of the suburban office blocks.
Seeing this he quickened his pace, although he couldn’t go much faster given that his left leg seemed injured. The wind passed through his greasy, greying hair. He shook his head as a leaf hit him in the face, rolling over his hooked nose and up over his forehead. Something rustled behind him; he paused and looked back, moving his head as little as he could afford to. If someone had been following him, he wouldn’t want to let them know that he knew about them. He ran his long fingers through his hair and then wiped them on his dark shirt. He continued on his journey; he marched on towards his destination.
The assassin turned left, and then right then he went straight on. Then turned left and stopped at a clear door. He looked at the large sign hanging above the door. In huge yellow letters were “Gaithersburg Aquarium.” A huge goldfish was next the m on the sign.
He slowly drew a small, pitch-black gun from his pocket and loaded it. He then drew a small black cylinder from his back pocket and attached it to the gun. He then lifted the gun so that it was pointing at the glass door. He shot once, then a second time. Where the door once stood there now was a small pile of glass on the floor near his feet.
He stepped in through the gap and began to walk into the main hall. Suddenly an alarm starting blaring through the building. He looked round; searching for a control panel. When he spotted it he sprinted to it and pulled back his sleeve. There he saw the small code he had written on his wrist. He tapped it into the control box and the room went silent again. He turned and went back into the centre of the building. He reached into one of his many pockets and pulled out a slip of paper which he soon unfolded revealing a map of the building from where he was stood. He glanced down and saw the small cross where he was meant to reach.
He started walking towards the lift. He passed a huge tank full of beautiful blue and yellow fish, zipping around in large schools. On the floor of the tank were a number of different plants and rocks which were clearly home to crabs and fish of all sorts. One thing caught his eye as he stared through the huge tank. Someone was on the other side looking through. He wasn’t sure if he had seen them or not, but he needed to make sure. He couldn’t afford anyone being a witness to the task that lay before him. Suddenly the person ran, towards the lift. He charged at the lift on his side and pulled out his gun.
He pressed the call lift button and the lift arrived almost immediately. He stepped inside and tapped the top button. When the lift arrived at the top floor he jumped out waving his gun from side to side. He checked to see if anyone was near. When he was sure it was clear he started walking towards the staircase. He stopped and spun round when he heard a scuffle of hurried feet. He started sprinting back where he had come from. There he saw her. The young woman who had been there earlier; the other side of the tank. He aimed his gun and walked closer to her. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a long chain. He chained her hands behind her back and pushed her into the lift. She continually tried to break free, but the strong metal bindings held her tight.
They got to the third floor and he shoved her out of the lift and next to the huge aquarium which is directly opposite the lift. To their left there is a sign reading “Staff Only.” He walks over to it and knocks the lock off with the handle of his gun. He then grabbed her and dragged her up the steps while keeping a look-out for anyone else. As he reached the top of the brown metal staircase he looked down into the pool of water. He sees a number of sharks and other dangerous fish. He forces the woman to her knees on the edge of the platform and holds the gun to her neck. “Shame to let something so beautiful go to waste. I hope these guys enjoy you.” He then draws the trigger back sending a shot into the back of her head. She plunges into the pool and her blood starts to pour. The sharks react like lightning and speed towards the body. The man takes one last look at her as the sharks begin ripping her limb from limb and leaves. He walks down the steps and into the lift. He looks at the map and presses the button for the fifth floor.
The doors open and he walks out onto the shining, tiled floor. He turns left and starts off down the corridor, stopping at regular intervals to check his map. He eventually reached the room he had been looking for. A glimmering gold plate hung on the door. He wiped his gloved fingers along it, feeling the indentations. He read the name aloud. “Ah, this guy must be loaded.” He knocked on the door and ****ed his pistol. “Come in,” a voice from inside called. He entered slowly, raising his gun to chest height as he stepped in. Inside was immaculately clean and everything had an expensive-looking chrome finish. The desk, which must have been of the finest pine, was quite big and filled most of the room. On it were a number of pens and contracts, along with a laptop and a small chrome fan.
The man spoke again, “Well? How can I help you? Mister?”
“Names don’t matter now.” The man at the desk looked up and shuddered at the sight of the loaded gun pointing in his direction. He slowly lifted his hands into the air and starting shaking like a mad man. “Stand,” the assassin commanded, flicking the gun at the corner of the room, “Go there.” The man stood and shuffled over to the corner. His eyes shifting side to side; searching for an escape route, way out. He ran at the door, screaming and collapsed with a thud when the assassin sent a bullet into the back of his kneecap. He let out a ghastly, agonized scream and starting dragging himself along the floor towards the lift. If he could get there he would be safe for a while. He didn’t make it; the assassin grabbed his injured leg and pulled him over to the glass guard-barrier.
He picked him up onto his feet and placed one of his hands onto the glass. Then he shot the man in the side of the head; blood shot out from the bullet-hole and the man went limp. The assassin lifted the man over the barrier and dropped him to the floor below, he pulled a gun out of his pocket and let the gun plummet down beside the man. He waited for the crunch of body hitting floor. When he heard it, he turned and walked into the office. He opened a drawer on the desk and dropped in a few bullets and a small piece of paper. A forged suicide note. The assassin opened the window and stepped outside. But he was greeted by a large number of police cars and armed men pointing their weapons at him. He held his arms out in front of him and started shooting at the swarm of policemen on the ground. They started panicking and returned fire. He started running along the ledge on the side of the building. He got hit in the leg and fell. He landed on the floor and stopped moving temporarily when his head connected with the floor. Three police officers stepped forward and dragged him to an ambulance that had arrived on the scene a while ago.
They marched into the building to investigate as the ambulance drove off. A few miles down the road the man regained consciousness and started talking. “I’m sorry… so sorry… please forgive me… so sorry.”
“What for? Why are you sorry?”
“For this,” the assassin drew a gun from his pocket and shot the paramedic in the face. The paramedic fell into the front of the vehicle, causing his partner to scream. The assassin turned and ripped the wires and tubes from his body. Then he lifted the gun to the cushion on the back of the seat and pulled back the trigger. Feathers burst from the hole and the woman went silent. The ambulance started swerving left and right. Cars dodging the loose vehicle as it sped down the motorway. It finally stopped when it drove into a ditch, the assassin kicked open the rear doors and jumped out. He climbed up the hill and began home.
“So, it’s settled then. You take him out and you get your money. But before I pay you, I want proof that he’s not a threat any more.” The assassin hung up and exited the small red phone-box. He turned and walked away, letting the heavy door swing back into place. He scuffed his black leather shoes as he limped down the street, his black trench-coat just touching the floor as he dragged it behind him. Every now and then he’d turn quickly, turning the bottom of his coat into a billowing skirt of leather, dirt and leaves. The dust annoyed his eyes; he rubbed them trying to stop the watering. As he blinked, his yellow eyes caught a glimpse of the sun just peering over the edge of the suburban office blocks.
Seeing this he quickened his pace, although he couldn’t go much faster given that his left leg seemed injured. The wind passed through his greasy, greying hair. He shook his head as a leaf hit him in the face, rolling over his hooked nose and up over his forehead. Something rustled behind him; he paused and looked back, moving his head as little as he could afford to. If someone had been following him, he wouldn’t want to let them know that he knew about them. He ran his long fingers through his hair and then wiped them on his dark shirt. He continued on his journey; he marched on towards his destination.
The assassin turned left, and then right then he went straight on. Then turned left and stopped at a clear door. He looked at the large sign hanging above the door. In huge yellow letters were “Gaithersburg Aquarium.” A huge goldfish was next the m on the sign.
He slowly drew a small, pitch-black gun from his pocket and loaded it. He then drew a small black cylinder from his back pocket and attached it to the gun. He then lifted the gun so that it was pointing at the glass door. He shot once, then a second time. Where the door once stood there now was a small pile of glass on the floor near his feet.
He stepped in through the gap and began to walk into the main hall. Suddenly an alarm starting blaring through the building. He looked round; searching for a control panel. When he spotted it he sprinted to it and pulled back his sleeve. There he saw the small code he had written on his wrist. He tapped it into the control box and the room went silent again. He turned and went back into the centre of the building. He reached into one of his many pockets and pulled out a slip of paper which he soon unfolded revealing a map of the building from where he was stood. He glanced down and saw the small cross where he was meant to reach.
He started walking towards the lift. He passed a huge tank full of beautiful blue and yellow fish, zipping around in large schools. On the floor of the tank were a number of different plants and rocks which were clearly home to crabs and fish of all sorts. One thing caught his eye as he stared through the huge tank. Someone was on the other side looking through. He wasn’t sure if he had seen them or not, but he needed to make sure. He couldn’t afford anyone being a witness to the task that lay before him. Suddenly the person ran, towards the lift. He charged at the lift on his side and pulled out his gun.
He pressed the call lift button and the lift arrived almost immediately. He stepped inside and tapped the top button. When the lift arrived at the top floor he jumped out waving his gun from side to side. He checked to see if anyone was near. When he was sure it was clear he started walking towards the staircase. He stopped and spun round when he heard a scuffle of hurried feet. He started sprinting back where he had come from. There he saw her. The young woman who had been there earlier; the other side of the tank. He aimed his gun and walked closer to her. He reached into a pocket and pulled out a long chain. He chained her hands behind her back and pushed her into the lift. She continually tried to break free, but the strong metal bindings held her tight.
They got to the third floor and he shoved her out of the lift and next to the huge aquarium which is directly opposite the lift. To their left there is a sign reading “Staff Only.” He walks over to it and knocks the lock off with the handle of his gun. He then grabbed her and dragged her up the steps while keeping a look-out for anyone else. As he reached the top of the brown metal staircase he looked down into the pool of water. He sees a number of sharks and other dangerous fish. He forces the woman to her knees on the edge of the platform and holds the gun to her neck. “Shame to let something so beautiful go to waste. I hope these guys enjoy you.” He then draws the trigger back sending a shot into the back of her head. She plunges into the pool and her blood starts to pour. The sharks react like lightning and speed towards the body. The man takes one last look at her as the sharks begin ripping her limb from limb and leaves. He walks down the steps and into the lift. He looks at the map and presses the button for the fifth floor.
The doors open and he walks out onto the shining, tiled floor. He turns left and starts off down the corridor, stopping at regular intervals to check his map. He eventually reached the room he had been looking for. A glimmering gold plate hung on the door. He wiped his gloved fingers along it, feeling the indentations. He read the name aloud. “Ah, this guy must be loaded.” He knocked on the door and ****ed his pistol. “Come in,” a voice from inside called. He entered slowly, raising his gun to chest height as he stepped in. Inside was immaculately clean and everything had an expensive-looking chrome finish. The desk, which must have been of the finest pine, was quite big and filled most of the room. On it were a number of pens and contracts, along with a laptop and a small chrome fan.
The man spoke again, “Well? How can I help you? Mister?”
“Names don’t matter now.” The man at the desk looked up and shuddered at the sight of the loaded gun pointing in his direction. He slowly lifted his hands into the air and starting shaking like a mad man. “Stand,” the assassin commanded, flicking the gun at the corner of the room, “Go there.” The man stood and shuffled over to the corner. His eyes shifting side to side; searching for an escape route, way out. He ran at the door, screaming and collapsed with a thud when the assassin sent a bullet into the back of his kneecap. He let out a ghastly, agonized scream and starting dragging himself along the floor towards the lift. If he could get there he would be safe for a while. He didn’t make it; the assassin grabbed his injured leg and pulled him over to the glass guard-barrier.
He picked him up onto his feet and placed one of his hands onto the glass. Then he shot the man in the side of the head; blood shot out from the bullet-hole and the man went limp. The assassin lifted the man over the barrier and dropped him to the floor below, he pulled a gun out of his pocket and let the gun plummet down beside the man. He waited for the crunch of body hitting floor. When he heard it, he turned and walked into the office. He opened a drawer on the desk and dropped in a few bullets and a small piece of paper. A forged suicide note. The assassin opened the window and stepped outside. But he was greeted by a large number of police cars and armed men pointing their weapons at him. He held his arms out in front of him and started shooting at the swarm of policemen on the ground. They started panicking and returned fire. He started running along the ledge on the side of the building. He got hit in the leg and fell. He landed on the floor and stopped moving temporarily when his head connected with the floor. Three police officers stepped forward and dragged him to an ambulance that had arrived on the scene a while ago.
They marched into the building to investigate as the ambulance drove off. A few miles down the road the man regained consciousness and started talking. “I’m sorry… so sorry… please forgive me… so sorry.”
“What for? Why are you sorry?”
“For this,” the assassin drew a gun from his pocket and shot the paramedic in the face. The paramedic fell into the front of the vehicle, causing his partner to scream. The assassin turned and ripped the wires and tubes from his body. Then he lifted the gun to the cushion on the back of the seat and pulled back the trigger. Feathers burst from the hole and the woman went silent. The ambulance started swerving left and right. Cars dodging the loose vehicle as it sped down the motorway. It finally stopped when it drove into a ditch, the assassin kicked open the rear doors and jumped out. He climbed up the hill and began home.