teenage heartbreak. {:

[london]

haha, emo kid. *points & laughs at self*

I wrote it for a compettion to get published ina book, getting results soon. {:

any comments?



Oh you smiled and I cried,

You laughed and I died.

I hear 1000 hearts break,

Conceal behind a smile that is so fake.

The taste of lies from your lips,

Another emotional scar and slit.

Thanks for watching while I fall,

Thanks for not caring at all.

Thanks for all the lies and all the broken tries.

Thanks for letting me realise, `

The love I had for you just died.

Here is my final demonstration,

My one true revelation.

I don’t need you anymore,

Now you’ve walked out the door.
I couldn’t give a damn –

I hear your feet slam.

You’re angry I can tell,

It’s your fault – go to hell.

I’m happy now don’t you see
Not us – just me.

[dirrty]

very good =]

[london]

thanks alot (:

[Browney]

Sounds like lyrics. There is a definate "beat" or rhythm to it. I really like it.

[splatttt]

I really Like it tooo
Thats really nice, i hope you get it published :]

[English]

Thats some good poetry although a few words are repititive.
Plus this line killed it for me{it is actually a poor line especially in comparison to the rest of the poem}

I couldn’t give a damn –
I hear your feet slam.

That just ruined the poem, seemed a bit out of place/as if you were trying hard to think of something to rhyme with it.

[DiscoPat]

really nice

[london]

sorry for bump; don't think it got published. ]:
but thanks for the comments.

[exploit]

thats quite good!! gd luck in the comp thing.

[SUPERchips]

Nicely put =]

[A4AOwen]

Very nice.

[Colin-Roberts]

very nice although i think
Here is my final demonstration
should be replaced with
Here is my final demis or however its spelled

[DMB-Hosting]

Wow that's excellent. Good luck mate, it will take something special to beat that.

[summer]

it's pretty good :]

[Mentor]

Thats some good poetry although a few words are repititive.
Plus this line killed it for me{it is actually a poor line especially in comparison to the rest of the poem}

I couldn’t give a damn –
I hear your feet slam.

That just ruined the poem, seemed a bit out of place/as if you were trying hard to think of something to rhyme with it.

True, id have gone with something to do with a door and slam, although my suggestion stops at the rhyming since i suck at the writeings.

Still nice poem, plus as you said kinda emo, but with the context there wasnt really much altenative lol :p