Rescue - My New Story

[Kieran]

I have now completed chapter three and im currently writing chapter four. Please give me feedback on this story and tell me what it needs.

www.conspiracyguild.co.uk/rescue/
You can view the story there.

Thanks

[PigsNose]

Hmm complicated at the start, but good.
Also, what website is that saved on?
I loved the way it was laid out, 8/10
Well done.

[Misawa]

Interesting work. You need to work on your paragraphing slightly since there are some noticeable errors, and some parts were a little vague, but never the less, a good story.

[Kieran]

Its saved on my webspace for a World of Warcraft guild.
It's now available on my deviant art website.

www.tenatious.deviantart.com

I realised my paragraphing was wrong when i read over a couple of books. They all use tabbing instead of lines. So I'll change it when it get round to it.
Thanks for reading it though guys :D

[FlyingJesus]

It’s not like it was a private school either. His father paid about £7000 a year for him to go there.

That didn't make sense to me, as it would be a private school if his father's paying for it.

Other than that, the story is (aside from a few grammatical errors) well written, and really engages the reader. As mentioned the paragraphing needs to be sorted (only use line breaks for scene changes etc., and like you said include some tabbing/indentation instead), but once it's tidied up you've got yourself a decent start to a story going.

+rep

[Kieran]

Id already changed that error just hadnt uploaded it. I noticed it when i read it myself

[velvet]

Wow, i proper love this o.o
It's really good, +rep.

[Kieran]

Ok, chapter four is now complete.
Read it here:

www.tenatious.deviantart.com

Thanks

[velvet]

Read it,
but you wrote ''It was Sunday tomorrow, which meant that James could lie in without having to worry about school. He went to bed early because he still had a lot on his mind with his dad being dead. He still hadn’t truly accepted it.''

You put James instead of Robert. :]
But yeah, it's a really good story :]

[Kieran]

Oopsy. Didn't pick that one up xP

I'll change it when i get chance. It was like 12pm when i wrote it xP

Im writing chapter five now :D

[Mentor]

Well so far ive only read to the end of chapter two, but im really enjoying it. Usealy the online writeings are painful to read and you cant actualy make it to the end, this is quite the oppersit and ill more likly be waiting for the next installmet (and after this heading over to dev art to read more)

Also its the only story ive ever heard of that refers to "kinky looking Wellington boots" :p

I also have a slight urge to possibly adapt it to a short film, since its interesting, yet doesnt seem to contain anything that would make it impossible to film on the near zero budget id probably end up haveing to use if i did so o.0 although it would probs be a while till i would have the time to poke people in to it, and put one together. although in my current state of mind, if you dont mind letting me possibly try in the future id like to give it ago ... anyway, im off to read chapter 3... keep writeing, its good.

[Zample]

I really enjoyed reading this. There are a few problems here and there but overall, it's a good and catchy story. Keep writing it, I'd love to read on :D

+rep? :]