could you please rate my english coursework?

[Breakfloor]

NOTE: this was done by me, in 30 minutes. 450 words so far and im in the bottom set ( thats because i missed my english SATS)




My last thoughts By Darris clark 10ay


Well, my name’s John Grey. I am hours away from death but I’m not scared. I’m not innocent either. I’m terrified of the moment I leave earth but, its going to happen I cant stop it. I’m angry with myself for doing what I did. If I stayed at home for ONE night I will be a free man with no guilt. Why did I go out? Why was there that argument? I no longer have any friends or family. My family don’t want to know. I cant blame them. Why would they want to know a man like me. To be honest, I don’t want to know a man like me. Its not long now. Over one night I am going to die. I want to die for what I have done.

My friends were my family, my family my friends but I no longer have either. My mum still loves me but not the way she used to. I don’t exist to my dad. I loved my dad; we went to the pub together but now, nothing. I hated my brother. He was always braver than me. Always better at everything but maybe that was me, maybe I was just bad at everything. I suppose its all guilt. Maybe I’m making it sound worse than it is but hey, what’s done is done.

Jack Brown, my best friend, has always been there for me but he changed when we went to senior school. I suppose it’s how we were brought up but I never expected him to change as much as he did. We went out to a night club. It was a normal Friday night but that night he pulled out these pills, ecstasy. He pressured me to take one but I ended up taking three. That’s where it all went wrong. I had a choice but chose the wrong road. If I hadn’t taken those pills I wouldn’t have done what I did. enough of him. I’m sick of talking about my so called “friend”.

I suppose I should talk about dying. As I said, I’m not scared. I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I feel sorry for the people I hurt, emotionally and physically. I'm not a bad person but I suppose drugs brought out the worse in me. I don’t want to be killed but I don’t want to alive. I suppose it’s a very thin line between the two. I’m no longer human, I am no longer a man and soon I shall no longer be apart of this world. I will be in this prison until I rot




NOT FINISHED. LOADS TO GO. 900 words.

[Burns]

ye crap

Edited by Garion (Forum Moderator): Please do not post rude comments about other people's work, if you are going to criticise please do so constructively, thanks :).

[Jord]

ye crap


Wow you went nuts.

[Alkaz]

Thats pretty good, you could try making some sentences a little longer.

[BowTies1]

i just saw a film in english that was kinda like that course work :) forget the name of it

[Breakfloor]

Let him have it?

and the sentances ave to be short and long. ment to be like that.

[MattyBoy]

People dont really waste there breath on this, so just use a ,

[5,5]

Pretty good ":D

[Jinc]

What's the outline of the assignment? (Title, description etc)

[Throne Sofa]

I expect it's the creative writing task.
I think it's ok, however you need to develop it a lot further. Don't think the vocab is great, or the short sentences. Short sentences are great for building up suspense, however I don't think it's really needed in the introduction. Keep working on it and good luck :)

[Jazza]

Your whole essay so far really only sounds like an introduction, you need to condense it to a single paragraph or you'll have built it up too much and give yourself a lot more to write.

B/C

[Breakfloor]

oh right

its a monologue about a man on death row. he got mixed up in a night club with a friend taking ecstasy and ending up murdering somebody. im not telling them what i did directly untill the end. hes not a smart man but hes not stupid. kind of average so the vocabulary isnt great on purpose. anymore ratings out of 10 will be good.

[Anarchy]

*Message Removed*

Edited by BobX (Forum Moderator): Do not insult or be rude to forum users.

[Soy]

Use more interesting vocabulary :rolleyes:

[Throne Sofa]

6/10 so far.
I think a 'C'.

[Adam!]

lol and when the exam board do a quick search on google with a few lines of your coursework and it links to here, you'll get it torn up and be disqualified from your exams...

[kk.]

I no longer have any friends or family. My family don’t want to know.

lol doesnt makes sense. make it clearer their alive still in that sentence. longer sentences, too many paragraphs, (i think it should be about 3/4 to a apge

like someone said the first three paragraphs are introduction, condense it but leave the 'cliffhangers' there.

second line from bottom is worst not worse :)

so far, id say C but if you carry on and introduce better vocab and longer more complex sentences B/A

[Bibliophobia]

its a bit melodramatic

you need longer sentences tho

[Asher]

I just didn't find it that gripping

[Breakfloor]

lol doesnt makes sense. make it clearer their alive still in that sentence. longer sentences, too many paragraphs, (i think it should be about 3/4 to a apge

like someone said the first three paragraphs are introduction, condense it but leave the 'cliffhangers' there.

second line from bottom is worst not worse :)

so far, id say C but if you carry on and introduce better vocab and longer more complex sentences B/A

i no longer have them asin they arent dead but they will not have anything to do with me.