Concerned about my friends dad

[Mint]

My friends brother has come out as gay and his dad isn't taking it very well. My friend has told me that his dad pretends he's ok with it but he actually isn't. It's every dads worst nightmare to find out that his son is gay so it isn't unusual for a dad to be unhappy and annoyed. The thing is, my friend tells me that his dad really is annoyed and he's scared that he might do something to his brother. Every time we speak irl/msn I always want to give him some advice but I just don't know what to say. I agree with his dad being annoyed and I have told him that, he agrees but said that "being aggressive to your son just because he's gay isn't on". Please help me here, as I really want to help him.

Thanks.

[Catzsy]

My friends brother has come out as gay and his dad isn't taking it very well. My friend has told me that his dad pretends he's ok with it but he actually isn't. It's every dads worst nightmare to find out that his son is gay so it isn't unusual for a dad to be unhappy and annoyed. The thing is, my friend tells me that his dad really is annoyed and he's scared that he might do something to his brother. Every time we speak irl/msn I always want to give him some advice but I just don't know what to say. I agree with his dad being annoyed and I have told him that, he agrees but said that "being aggressive to your son just because he's gay isn't on". Please help me here, as I really want to help him.

Thanks.

Where on earth did you get the bit in bold on that from? That's a pretty old fashioned outlook.
In this case it seems that the Dad is oldfashioned but why agree with his Dad being annoyed though? I agree with the your friend that being aggressive isn't right but really it's the Brother I feel sorry for. He didn't chose to be gay and has had the courage to come out. I would suggest you look up the various Gay support sites that your friend and his Brother could look at. It might help you soften your attitude too. :P Where is the Mother in this?

[-:Undertaker:-]

Where on earth did you get the bit in bold on that from? That's a pretty old fashioned outlook.
In this case it seems that the Dad is oldfashioned but why agree with his Dad being annoyed though? I agree with the your friend that being aggressive isn't right but really it's the Brother I feel sorry for. He didn't chose to be gay and has had the courage to come out. I would suggest you look up the various Gay support sites that your friend and his Brother could look at. It might help you soften your attitude too. :P Where is the Mother in this?

...well it is, otherwise his Dad wouldn't have a problem with it. :P

The best thing is to give it time I think, could also depend on how he told his Dad because I suppose of you told your Dad when hes lost his job, is arguing with his wife/someone then that isn't the best of times to drop a bombshell like this.

I agree with Rosie though, maybe the mother (if shes around) could try and talk to the Dad - he could always do something with his Dad like a day out with just them two and explain it isnt his fault hes gay but he is and theres nothing that could change that.

[e5]

Where on earth did you get the bit in bold on that from? That's a pretty old fashioned outlook.
In this case it seems that the Dad is oldfashioned but why agree with his Dad being annoyed though? I agree with the your friend that being aggressive isn't right but really it's the Brother I feel sorry for. He didn't chose to be gay and has had the courage to come out. I would suggest you look up the various Gay support sites that your friend and his Brother could look at. It might help you soften your attitude too. :P Where is the Mother in this?
It's sorta true cos his dads might want grand kids :rolleyes:

[luce]

...well it is, otherwise his Dad wouldn't have a problem with it. :P

The best thing is to give it time I think, could also depend on how he told his Dad because I suppose of you told your Dad when hes lost his job, is arguing with his wife/someone then that isn't the best of times to drop a bombshell like this.

I agree with Rosie though, maybe the mother (if shes around) could try and talk to the Dad - he could always do something with his Dad like a day out with just them two and explain it isnt his fault hes gay but he is and theres nothing that could change that.

But his dad isn't every dad.

I don't really know what to say i know my dad has been angry and disappointed in me before but because he loves me he forgives me and gets on with life so i think that is what will happen here in time.

[Mint]

But his dad isn't every dad.

I don't really know what to say i know my dad has been angry and disappointed in me before but because he loves me he forgives me and gets on with life so i think that is what will happen here in time.

When you came out as being homosexual what did you do to calm him though?

Thank for all your other replys.

[Catzsy]

It's sorta true cos his dads might want grand kids :rolleyes:

He has a brother who isn't gay and children shouldn't be brought into to the world to supply their parents needs :S

[leah]

He has a brother who isn't gay and children shouldn't be brought into to the world to supply their parents needs :S
I don't think he meant it like that, he might have liked the thought of his Son having children, like most parents do, and because he's gay realised it isn't going to happen. I understand what mint meant by it's every dads worse nightmare, dads usually take it a lot worse than mums.

I would tell him that he should stand up to his dad for his brother and offer him all the support he needs, it's all he can do, really.

[LuketheDuke]

I don't think he meant it like that, he might have liked the thought of his Son having children, like most parents do, and because he's gay realised it isn't going to happen. I understand what mint meant by it's every dads worse nightmare, dads usually take it a lot worse than mums.

I would tell him that he should stand up to his dad for his brother and offer him all the support he needs, it's all he can do, really.

^^this is the best advice, +rep

My big brother recently came out and my dad took it so badly, 'no son of his' could possibly turn out to be gay. He then jumped to conclusions that he was cruising gay bars and picking up guys:S. I have no problem with it so its like what the **** is the difference if hes gay, it doesnt change how much you love him but its taken Dad a long while to come to terms with things like this and it hurts as your respect for someone you admire drops.

Sibling support is the best thing immidiately after, time heals

[drama]

ahah when I told my dad I was gay I got meals left at the bedroom door for the next month and he never talked to me, gosh it was fun realising thinking I was gay was a phase...

[Mentor]

Weird - i've generally noted it to be the Mums who get more worried about it these days o.0

[ifuseekamy]

It's pretty stupid for parents to get annoyed because a lot of sexuality is down to upbringing and how you're made to perceive gender roles :S Anyway, there's not really much you can do unless he does do something, unless you plan on having a heart to heart of course. Personally I can't see it happening if his dad at least pretends he's okay with it, I'd imagine if he hated it so much he wouldn't bother pretending otherwise.

[Catchy]

Blah urm I don't know what advise to give really as both of my parents seemed to be fine with it and they're pretty chilled out about most things I get up to etc, it should be okay, the dad just needs to realise that he's still the same person and like he doesn't choose to be gay. If he's pretending to be okay with it then it'll probably be fine. When my cousin came out to his mum she needed counselling and everything lol! But she is fine with it now and I guess people just learn to accept it.

[Mickword]

EDIT: Not going to say that!, just go with it, really everything in life has a purpose.

[Mentor]

It's pretty stupid for parents to get annoyed because a lot of sexuality is down to upbringing and how you're made to perceive gender roles :S Anyway, there's not really much you can do unless he does do something, unless you plan on having a heart to heart of course. Personally I can't see it happening if his dad at least pretends he's okay with it, I'd imagine if he hated it so much he wouldn't bother pretending otherwise.

O.o Actually almost every bit of evidence scientific and anecdotal says sexuality is genetic and nothing to do with upbringing? Perception of gender rolls is totally irrelevant?

[-:Undertaker:-]

Your genetics affect your enviroment, hence why most gay guys dont like football and will generally be more camp. It is your personality, how your made etc.

[Mentor]

Your genetics affect your enviroment, hence why most gay guys dont like football and will generally be more camp. It is your personality, how your made etc.
Wouldn't say theres any direct effect, sexuality only effects personality in so far of which gender their attracted to. The other traits are purely a byproduct generated from the society their in's perception of gay people, reactions to the sexualty, and often gay culture itself o.0 (aka the personality trates are a social construction/environmentally based while the sexuality itself is genetic)*

*This may actually have been what you meant, i had trouble understanding exactly what you were saying.

[ifuseekamy]

Eh, they passed on the genetics. Either way it's their fault :P

[Mentor]

Eh, they passed on the genetics. Either way it's their fault :P
I doubt its an inheritable trait or it would show up in family lines and genetic histories. Its likely more related to a genetic mutation of some form or possibly conditions in the womb.

[GommeInc]

Weird - i've generally noted it to be the Mums who get more worried about it these days o.0
Me too, most of our gay friends have had mum problems - if not all (though I suspect you may know more :P).

I wouldn't know what advice to give, other than to show the father that there is nothing wrong with having a gay son - he is his son, sexual preference has beggar all to do with it :/

And as for where homosexuality comes from, I find it a mix of genetic and social environment. I seem to hear of straight guys having one night stands and developing mutual feelings, which confuse the idea of homosexuality. But pure homosexuality is pretty much genetic - straights having night stands and vice versa is just pressure or confusion, which everyone suffers/can suffer from.

[BlueLord]

What you've got to remember is, parents may act like they don't care about you, under difficult and emotionally challenging circumstances, but the person who has "come out" is still their child, I strongly doubt they'd do something stupid (there's not much they can do, and if they do do anything you'll notice, obviously if it's physical injury) but just make sure that he knows you're willing to listen to him and as sad as it sounds, offer him a shoulder to cry on.

I think he's taken a big step, coming out gay, he's just got to live with it, and he must've expected this to happen as I'm sure him coming out was fairly well planned.