A story opener

[Gibs960]

A man of many faces


He headed straight out of the room, he grabbed C4's gun Straight off his desk. He ran down the coridoor. And heard a faint voice calling;
“Bring that back!” B could here him but did not bother answer, this would watse vital time that was needed to save the hostage. He didn’t have his car keys on him so he had to hot-wire someone elses car. He sped off in the VW Polo and hoped for the best, he slammed his foot down when he saw the petrol light flash on. He had to be there, Schrifmegh was his to finish off. When he arrived he opened the door and ran, he knew he didn’t have time to close the door.
“Where’s the hostage?” He said to the first police officer he saw.
“Top floor, third room on the left, he’s got a gun, don’t mess around.” The words “Don’t mess around” repeated in his mind as he ran up the circular stairs. He heard a faint scream as he reached the top floor. He tried to be as silent as possible, but as he opened the door. He heard a gun shot.
“Your gun I do believe,” he said launching the gun at Agent B. “Straight into his skull. You know I’ve always wanted to meet a secret agent ever since I was a boy.” The word boy did not seem related to this beast of a man.
“Why do this? I can hel-,” When he said this Schrifmegh stood up.
“Help me? Me, the one that’s just killed an innocent man. Give me your gun. Or even better drop it on the floor, then we can have a chat.” B did so, with great hesitation.
“Now we’ve got that cleared up I think we can chat. So what do you think my plan is. To kill you right here right now? Ha! No. I will send you back to MI6, let you get a plan, give myself more time to think.”
“You’ve had plenty of time to think. Why kill him? He was just a normal man. Nothing distinctive.”
“Oh actually there is. He’s one of your agents.” B’s heart sank. “Do you want to give him a hug?” A smirk washed across his face. “You see this thing on my back it’s called a jet-pack. Catch ya later.” He pressed a tiny yellow button and he launched out of the window. B dived onto the floor of the now, dead man. Tears dropped from B’s eyes, he closed the dead mans eyes.

As B walked out of the room, the dead man in his arms, he thought to himself, is this job really worth it? Was it time to leave now? How was he going to retire? Death or Old age?

[Misawa]

Well, I can't say I understand much of it. Bad punctuation, structure and spelling is rife and the dialogue makes little to no sense, and is totally unnatural. Back to the drawing board, I'm afraid.

[FlyingJesus]

I would suggest reading some stories before trying to write one

[Nixt]

Sorry I actually laughed out loud when I read the bit about the jetpack. It's poorly written and as Misawa has pointed out there are some terrible grammatical and spelling mistakes. It needs a lot of work.

[Gibs960]

KK but you have to understand I'm only 10

[FlyingJesus]

That makes absolutely no difference to the content, harsh as that may be

[Misawa]

Well, if you're genuinely ten you can be somewhat forgiven.

[Gibs960]

Do you need a pic? Or just a facebook link? lol I'm 10

[Misawa]

Why are you on Facebook at ten-years-old? :S What happened to Facebook being the adult social network? :(

[Gibs960]

Dunno, I know but loads of people go on it that are underage like me and thousands of other users.

[e5]

Well, I can't say I understand much of it. Bad punctuation, structure and spelling is rife and the dialogue makes little to no sense, and is totally unnatural. Back to the drawing board, I'm afraid.
Yeah, my thoughts echo this post. How bizzare is your punctuation?! Really just a terrible story, sorry.

[lPinoy]

oh hell, that is awful, sorry.
misawa's pretty much summed it up...

[syko2006]

He, he, he, he, he.

Thesaurus for you, my friend!

[kuzkasate]

Well it sort of doesnt make sense & seems too rushed and not something I'd like to read... not in my taste.

If you are going to write a story opening, it has to grab the readers attention and has to be suspenseful so the reader will WANT to know what happens next and obviously the answer only unfolds right until the end. Its vital that you get the reader hooked straight away because if you dont, they might just say "Oh well, sounds boring not gonna bother with this one."

You may also want to plan it out before you write it, maybe find some good words or phrases you think will sound very good and jot them down. When I'm sometimes writing, I just write and write and think about what will happen next, then my brain clicks and I find a very good word or phrase that will make it sound more interesting. Also try and describe to the best of your ability, the better the description the more realistic it seems for the reader.

But here are some links you may find useful to help you get a good story opening:

- http://www.ehow.co.uk/how_2273594_write-suspenseful-opening.html?cr=1
- http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Suspenseful-Opening
- http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Create-An-Opening-to-Your-Story-That-Will-Keep-Readers-Agog&id=1118061

[Starburst1345]

Why are you on Facebook at ten-years-old? :S What happened to Facebook being the adult social network? :(

Where have you been for like the last 5 years lol?
Obviously it isn't the best story opening ever but considering your age i think you have made a brilliant job. You will learn as you grow-the more you write/read the more you learn. When you look back at your previous work you'll probably cringe but that's normal :)
One thing i would suggest is to concentrate more on the emotions and feelings into the characters as well as slowing down the pace of the events. Sorry this is vague but i am on mobile :)

[Meree.]

Well for starters..
You didn't start the story in a some what interesting manner. Secondy you started by saying 'he' Who is he & how are we ment to know who he is. Aswell as that it lacks pure punctuality. Okay for a 10 year old though; I suppose.

[Sunnily]

I didn't understand the whole thing and it sounds quite.. dramatic

[SugarBabyRach]

Yeah... Didn't really understand the point of that...:S

[lPinoy]

After reading it another three times, I still stand by my comment - it is pretty damn awful but good for a ten year old, I suppose.

He headed straight out of the room, he grabbed C4's gun Straight off his desk.
He is okay to use if your using it as a prologue and keeping it suspenseful and your prepared to share his identity later on in the story. But counting, you've used a lot of he's and you've lacked the use of connectives (also, therefore etc) and conjunctions (and, but etc)

And heard a faint voice calling;
“Bring that back!” B could here him but did not bother answer, this would watse vital time that was needed to save the hostage.
The sentences are completely and utterly confusing and also, answering back to whoever had called him would not waste vital time, so this is not needed.
Who is 'he', 'him' and 'B.

He didn’t have his car keys on him so he had to hot-wire someone elses car. He sped off in the VW Polo and hoped for the best, he slammed his foot down when he saw the petrol light flash on. He had to be there, Schrifmegh was his to finish off.
Firstly, heres another name. Who exactly is Schrigmegh? Plus, We hardly know where 'he' are. Is he in a parking lot? In the middle of a building? At least give us some sort of description, a setting perhaps that'll give us some idea where he's driving the car. And you haven't told us what he is supposed to be doing, why he is doing it and of course, who the hell he is.

When he arrived he opened the door and ran, he knew he didn’t have time to close the door.
I don't think anyone would care if he closed the door or not.

“Where’s the hostage?” He said to the first police officer he saw.
Police officer...?

“Top floor, third room on the left, he’s got a gun, don’t mess around.” The words “Don’t mess around” repeated in his mind as he ran up the circular stairs. He heard a faint scream as he reached the top floor. He tried to be as silent as possible, but as he opened the door. He heard a gun shot.
Ain't got any idea why the police didn't do the job himself. Also, you've missed some punctuation in the last sentence.

“Your gun I do believe,” he said launching the gun at Agent B. “Straight into his skull. You know I’ve always wanted to meet a secret agent ever since I was a boy.” The word boy did not seem related to this beast of a man.
Who the hell is talking? Straight into the skull of who? And why on earth would he give the gun to someone who could potientally kill him.

“Why do this? I can hel-,” When he said this Schrifmegh stood up.
I'm taking a guess that 'Schrigmegh' said the above. Still, who is he?

“Help me? Me, the one that’s just killed an innocent man. Give me your gun. Or even better drop it on the floor, then we can have a chat.” B did so, with great hesitation.
This sentence is utter crap. Schrigmegh gives 'Agent B' a gun then tells him to give it back or drop it on the floor.

“Now we’ve got that cleared up I think we can chat. So what do you think my plan is. To kill you right here right now? Ha! No. I will send you back to MI6, let you get a plan, give myself more time to think.”
Plan...? I'm still asking the same damn question, why is he actually here?

“You’ve had plenty of time to think. Why kill him? He was just a normal man. Nothing distinctive.”
Think about what? Kill who? Seriously, you've used four characters in a opening paragraph and you haven't described at least one.

“Oh actually there is. He’s one of your agents.” B’s heart sank. “Do you want to give him a hug?” A smirk washed across his face. “You see this thing on my back it’s called a jet-pack. Catch ya later.” He pressed a tiny yellow button and he launched out of the window. B dived onto the floor of the now, dead man. Tears dropped from B’s eyes, he closed the dead mans eyes.
Awful. The jet pack idea is soooo awful, not even the highest authorities of the criminal world have one, I'm guessing. Even if they do, I doubt it would travel large distances plus there is a higher chance you'll get shot so I doubt a criminal would use one even. If B was intelligent enough to be in a secret service, he'd easily have gotten him arrested.

Punctuality is awful too, have a couple years of english lessons first before writing another story, I suggest. Good luck on your next piece :)

[Misawa]

By "punctuality", he means punctuation.

[Starburst1345]

Punctuality is awful too, have a couple years of english lessons first before writing another story, I suggest. Good luck on your next piece :)


No way! Doing is learning. The more you write, the more you learn. Write, write, write, write and write some more.

If you don't like reading you can learn from yourself. Read through your work after you finish and experiment with things such as new words and different ways of describing things.

Have fun while doing it! It's YOUR story, you can do whatever you want - If you want to blow up the eiffel tower, then go ahead. If you want to live with Beyonce, go ahead.

Go for it! Try different genres such as horror, romance, sci-fi and so on. Remember, you don't HAVE to show your stories to anyone - they can be your own personal project, so don't be embarassed to go into things like dreary-love scenes (e.g. "I love you so much, Miranda, I want to spend my life with you and never leave you!"). Obviously keep it appropriate.

1 tip

NEVER throw your stories out. No matter how "rubbish" you think they are. (OR ANYONE ELSE for that matter)

[Kyle]

pinoy half of your comments are stupid and I think you need a couple more years of English lessons if you're getting grammar mixed with time keeping.

[Laggings.]

Pinoy, half of your comments are stupid. and I thinkYou need a couple more years of English lessons if you're getting grammar mixed with time keeping.

Yawns.

charlimitz.


A man of many faces


He headed straight out of the room, he grabbed grabbing his C4's gun straight off his desk. He ran down the corridor. and heard a faint voice calling, “Bring that back!” B could hear him, but did not bother to answer, this would waste vital time that was needed to save the hostage. He didn’t have his car keys on him so he had to hot-wire someone else's car. He sped off in the VW Polo and hoped for the best. He slammed his foot down when he saw the petrol light flash on. He had to be there, Schrifmegh was his to finish off. When he arrived, he opened the door and ran. He knew he didn’t have time to close the door. “Where’s the hostage?”, He said to the first police officer he saw. “Top floor, third room on the left, he’s got a gun, don’t mess around.” The words “Don’t mess around” repeated in his mind as he ran up the circular stairs. He heard a faint scream as he reached the top floor. He tried to be as silent as possible, but as he opened the door, he heard a gunshot. “Your gun I do believe,” he said, launching the gun at Agent B. “Straight into his skull. You know I’ve always wanted to meet a secret agent ever since I was a boy.” The word boy did not seem related to this beast of a man. “Why do this? I can hel-,” When he said this, Schrifmegh stood up. “Help me? Me, the one that’s just killed an innocent man. Give me your gun. Or even better drop it on the floor, then we can have a chat.” B did so, with great hesitation. “Now we’ve got that cleared up, I think we can chat. So what do you think my plan is? To kill you right here right now? Ha! No. I will send you back to MI6, let you get a plan, give myself more time to think.” “You’ve had plenty of time to think. Why kill him? He was just a normal man. Nothing distinctive.” “Oh actually there is. He’s one of your agents.” B’s heart sank. “Do you want to give him a hug?” A smirk washed across his face. “You see this thing on my back, it’s called a jet-pack. Catch you later.” He pressed a tiny yellow button and he launched out of the window. B dived onto the floor of the now, dead man. Tears dropped from B’s eyes, as he closed the dead mans eyes.

As B walked out of the room, the dead man in his arms, he thought to himself, "Is this job really worth it? Was it time to leave now? How was he going to retire? Death or old age?"


Yeah and that's putting it lightly.

[ams30]

I think there are some overly critical comments on this piece. It's pretty decent for a 10 year old but does need some improvement.

[Kyle]

Yawns.

charlimitz.




Yeah and that's putting it lightly.

wHy bothar corecting my post it Didn"t even need any correcttion lol you noob

[BobX]

YOU SEE THESE WORDS ON MY SCREEN? IT'S CALLED A SCENTANCE. CYA LATER.

[brandon]

Pretty good effort for someone your age. I doubt half of the people who criticised on this thread could have done a lot better when they were 10.

[FlyingJesus]

To everyone mentioning his age;


That makes absolutely no difference to the content, harsh as that may be

Still as true as when this wasn't an old topic