my friend's dad died? how do i help?

[StripedTiger]

It's one of the most distressing times in anyones life, when someone close to you dies.

This friend from sixth form has been off all week and today we were wondering what was up because she hadnt texted any of us and we hadn't heard from us, so i texted her asking if she was alright.

About an hour later i recieved a text asking if i had heard, so instead of having a long conversation over text, i rang her. Sitting in a circle of friends she picked up and i asked what her text meant, and she managed to blurt out that her dad had died before bursting into tears completely. Well i talked to her for a about 5 minutes, just telling her i was sorry and that we are all thinking of her etc. I said that we would come see her if she wanted us too, but when the time was best for her n stuff.

After putting the phone down i told the rest of the group and told them that i had said we'd go and see her. for some reason, they all sorta reacted as if they didnt want to see her and didnt really want to get involved?

We carried on texting each other for a bit, she told me when the funeral is and that she wont be in until after it, so i went to our teacher (who is expecting coursework atm) and told her that my friend wouldnt be in for another week aftleast, and then texted my friend back telling her its all sorted and that she doesnt need to worry about that and can concentrate on home and family atm.

what my problem is though, is that i dont want to seem like a control freak taking over.. im not the closest one to her in the group yet (with something similar happening last year with a friend losing her mother) i kinda know how to react ? i dont think im forcing myself onto her, im replying to her texts trying to jusy sympathetic and just giving her the freedom to talk about what she pleases, we're texting atm because she cant sleep. i'm just not sure really. ive bought her a card and chocolate and to take when i go and see her, but she said shes had so many family members and family friends its just confusing her and mixing her head up and asked if i could go at the weekend so i texted back yeah or even after the weekend if she wanted.

but again im just really worried incase its taken the wrong way? i dont want to look like a control freak and i dont want to force myself onto her..

[DJ-Ains.T]

you need to give her space, let her grieve, give her your condolencies, flowers and say you're there for her if she needs help then leave her be for a while.

[Hecktix]

I think her texting you is a positive sign. I think she's taken well to your support, if she hadn't she wouldn't be texting you. I think the key thing is not to swarm her, like maybe if you + all your friends went round it'd be a bit too much, you on your own or maybe you and another would be good.

If she's texting you though don't stop, it's clear your support is helping :)

[Black_Apalachi]

I was also in sixth form when my dad died, and a I got a couple of texts the next day which I thought was really nice given that I didn't even know how my friends knew yet!

I've always found even before it affected me, that people always completely avoid the subject as much as possible. Personally I wish they wouldn't but that being said, I was the same with my mate whose mum died when we were in primary school - and even now I've still never plucked up the courage to talk to him about the subject generally. Partly because it's hard to think of a good starting point and I don't want to kill the mood of whatever situation we are in at the time and there's also the risk that they may not be as willing to talk about it as I am. Anyway my point is, that I think if you can find a way to approach it, try seeing if she wants to talk about her dad or the subject of death or whatever. Not so much immediately, but a bit later on.

From my personal experience, there have been a couple things that I've sometimes thought about bringing up with my mate, and also another friend who lost her brother more recently. So if your friend is at all like me, I think she would benefit from being made to feel she can open up about anything without feeling any sense that she may be being depressing or attention-seeking (these are just things that go through my head lol, but of course she could be completely different).

[StripedTiger]

You are all really helpful :] we stopped texting about 12 AM and ive texted her twice today, once to give her sympathy from our english teacher (she asked if id text her) and i sent her a poem which was sent to my dad when my nana died. I might phone her sometime on sunday to see how shes doing

[myke]

it depends on your friend. some people hate people "treating them differently", obviously you know her so you can decide the best way to offer help. sometimes try and talk about other things, not too much that she thinks you don't care. be an ear and listen to what she said - by looks of things you're doing great so far anyway :P

[Catzsy]

Sounds like you are doing all the right things and I am sure will be there for her for a long time to come. =]

[StripedTiger]

i hope im doing the right thing. i aint texted her today to give her some air but might phone her tomorrow or monday and see how she is and what shes been doing..

[Special]

I've been in the same situation before

Best thing to do is never bring it up, or anything along the lines.

I know it's hard & i've slipped up a couple of times.

Also, there may be times when it all comes flooding back for your friend, like for example we simply walked past a graveyard and it brought it all back to him and he was emotional for a few minutes. Just let one person go and comfort him. The last thing they want is a massive surge of people.

The main thing to do is act normal. I know it's hard & may seem mean but act like nothings happened

[lTraditional]

Well my grandad died when i was quite young and i saw him everyday and i lived next door to him but i got over it after a few days or weeks. Just give her some space, plus make sure you don't say anything about her dad unless she starts the conversation and she will recover soon.

[Black_Apalachi]

You are all really helpful :] we stopped texting about 12 AM and ive texted her twice today, once to give her sympathy from our english teacher (she asked if id text her) and i sent her a poem which was sent to my dad when my nana died. I might phone her sometime on sunday to see how shes doing

Glad I could help, was afraid I'd rambled on a bit too much! :P You seem to be doing well, just don't go over the top on calling/texting. If you're doing it much more than you normally would, I think it could have an adverse effect on things.


Well my grandad died when i was quite young and i saw him everyday and i lived next door to him but i got over it after a few days or weeks. Just give her some space, plus make sure you don't say anything about her dad unless she starts the conversation and she will recover soon.

This is partly what I was getting at. I hate it when people blatantly side-step the subject - like you can tell they would normally ask a question relevant to whatever the current situation is but you know that in their head they've gone; 'oh crap, better not mention that'. As I say, everyone's different but personally I'd prefer people to just be normal and not change their conversations or whatever.