Short Vampire Story

[Gibs960]

We had to do a descriptive piece of writing, but being the writer I am I had to carry on the story, here it is, tell me what you think... Keeping in mind I'm 11 :)

I thought the room was empty. I thought I was alone. But then suddenly, to my amazement a voice spoke my name… I anxiously turned around waiting for the next mysterious call. I saw the hooded figure in the arched door way. A long strand of ginger hair hung down his face, covering his right eye. He lifted the cloak from his face, I saw a scarred eye, white skin and white teeth. He stepped forward his black scuffed boots echoing on the wooden floor. He flicked the strand of hair from his eye and revealed another scarred eye. The rest of his hair was black, only one strand ginger. He called my name once more, I backed away from this terrifying creature. He seemed un-humanly, he lacked human qualities, part of me wanted to attack him, half of me wanted to run. The ginger strand of hair fell back onto his face, this time he did not flick it back - his white canines began to extend…

His eyes started to turn a dark scarlet. I stepped slowly back before tumbling like a baby to the floor. His teeth were now double the size of a tigers‘. I stared up into his eyes. His nose was crinkled, his fangs over-lapping his lower lip. I slid along the floor, my trousers beginning to become dirty, I cowered in the corner of the room, whilst the demon edged further forward. I had to do something. I picked up a tool lying on the floor-boards. I threw it with all my might. He dodged it, swivelled and caught it. He sniggered. He threw it against the wall easily breaking through the brittle wall. He elegantly jumped into the air landing and crouching a few centimetres in front of me. I began to cry, salty tears streamed down my dirty face. He smiled and crept toward me. He grabbed my head and tilted it, 2 or 3 tears hit the floor with a thud. He through his own head back and sank his teeth into my neck. Pain flowed through my body. It was excruciating. He continued to suck - I knew it was the end. My eyes flew open with shock. I started to get dizzy. After 1 minute of him sucking I finally tried to push him off, my strength, sense of smell & hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire…

[kuzkasate]

Thats actually fantastic. I really enjoyed reading that, might have a few (literally one or two) errors in the punctuation, but apart from that its fantastic! You should write a book when your older lol!! +repp

[Gibs960]

Thanks so much!!!! I really enjoy writing and reading, all the boys at school have heroes like Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, David Beckham, Robinho, mine is Stephenie Meyer :L +rep for feedback too :)

[kuzkasate]

Thanks so much!!!! I really enjoy writing and reading, all the boys at school have heroes like Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, David Beckham, Robinho, mine is Stephenie Meyer :L +rep for feedback too :)

Yeah, I hate it when people have hero's like that. I mean footballers? wth, people who are worth millions? i believe noone in the world is worth that much - especially for kicking a ball.. lol what a load seriously.. but yeah, nice to know there are still people like you out there. I enjoy reading and writing too, but like if my friends find out they'd laugh at me so hard - but i bet they read too!! anyway, you didnt add the rep *cries* and your school sounds good if your producing this level of work, what school in manchester is that seriously lol? i live in manchester and most of the schools here are for dumb ******.

[Gibs960]

It won't let me, cos I can't give a comment :( I'll spread some and then try :) My school is actual not as amazing as you might think, I think it's more about an individual than the school, and I have a lot of passion about writing :)

[kuzkasate]

It won't let me, cos I can't give a comment :( I'll spread some and then try :) My school is actual not as amazing as you might think, I think it's more about an individual than the school, and I have a lot of passion about writing :)

when i was around your age, i did the same, i wrote loads of amazing texts and everyone liked them tbh - i was literally forced into so many competitions that i won - but when i came into high school - i changed and i thought "oh i cba with that, im too big for that." that was my big mistake, i should never have given up. i suppose i could start again, but it would be much harder. just dont make the same mistake as me ;)

[Gibs960]

The only problem with me is I hate writing with my hands with a pen :( My hands always sweat and ache :'(

[kuzkasate]

The only problem with me is I hate writing with my hands with a pen :( My hands always sweat and ache :'(

same lol - i used to either do it bit my bit - or on my laptop :) if your gonna start writin a book on a laptop, make sure you have duplicate copies on memory sticks and other places!

[Gibs960]

Will do :)

[Shar]

This is really good :D
But a bit of advice would be to tone it down with all the movement :P

[::Art::]

Haha that was great!
I'm older and I couldn't write something that good lol. I usually just right 1 page stories about random stuff lol ;)

[Gibs960]

This is really good :D
But a bit of advice would be to tone it down with all the movement :P

What do you mean by tone it down?

[Shar]

Just like lose a bit of it? So it doesn't get overwhelming, other than that I think it's awesome :)

[Nixt]

I think it's really good, particularly for someone of your age. I think maybe change the tiger's teeth simile as Tiger's teeth are MASSIVE.

The bit that just didn't flow for me was the following:


It was excruciating. He continued to suck - I knew it was the end. My eyes flew open with shock. I started to get dizzy. After 1 minute of him sucking I finally tried to push him off, my strength, sense of smell & hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire…

I don't quite like the whole sucking description. Not only because of the sexual innuendo it just sounds pretty crude. Perhaps change it to something like:

It was excruciating. He continued to gorge on the liquid flowing from my veins - I knew it was the end. My eyes widened in shock. I began to feel dizzy. After what felt like an eternity of pain I finally managed to push him away. My strength had returned, my sense of smell and hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire...

It's not amazing just a quick edit that I think will make it work better. Overall though, good effort :D

[matt$]

Maybe instead of using "After 1 Minute of him sucking" use 'As he drained me dry" or something, other than that it's quite good.

EDIT: Like Garion said it just reminds me of sexual innuendos

[Gibs960]

Not only because of the sexual innuendo it just sounds pretty crude.

What do you mean by that?

[Nixt]

What do you mean by that?

In terms of description it's relatively crude, as in poorly constructed.

[Gibs960]

In terms of description it's relatively crude, as in poorly constructed.

I mean the sexual bit :S

[matt$]

I mean the sexual bit :S

You'll understand when your older :)

[Nixt]

I mean the sexual bit :S

Well as you're writing something with a Gothic theme, it's kind of like a sexual innuendo? A Gothic convention is sexuality, and by overtly putting sucking in it just sounds dodgy, tbh. More important than that though is my above point about the poor construction.

[Gibs960]

But that's what vampires do, Suck :P that might sound dirty, but true.

[Inseriousity.]

"before tumbling like a baby to the floor"

Yeah, I'm not quite getting this bit. It made me stop reading and ruined the suspense so I'd either change it or remove the similie. Remember, not every sentence has to be long. Use short sentences for bigger impact.

Also "salty tears", tears would have sufficed, I think.

Overall though, a good start with a lot of potential so keep it up. :)

[Nixt]

But that's what vampires do, Suck :P that might sound dirty, but true.

If you're not concerned by the explicit use of sexuality as a Gothic convention, when it should be discreet, then at least take into account the poor construction of that part then :P. It's good other than that though!

[Hollie]

thats really good!
i couldnt write like that, i fail at story's :L
well done :D

[Gibs960]

The tumbling like a baby bit fits perfectly I think :S I will take in all your advise for my next piece of writing :)

[Inseriousity.]

Babies tumble? hmmmm, cry like a baby, sleep like a baby. tumble like a baby? yeah I'm just not getting it sorry.

[Shar]

Babies tumble? hmmmm, cry like a baby, sleep like a baby. tumble like a baby? yeah I'm just not getting it sorry.
I agree :)

And vampires do SUCK ;)

[Gibs960]

When babies are learning to walk, they fall over....

[Inseriousity.]

"tumble like a baby who is just learning to walk."

Yeah, whichever way you put it, I think it slows down the tension of the writing by unnecessary similies.

[Gibs960]

I agree it slows the tension, but it doesn't completely kill the story :|

[sammy]

If you want to succeed you need to accept constructive critism. I agree with Inseriousity & Garion, the 'falling to the floor like a baby' similie just doesn't really work, and the "sucking" thing is indeed very, erm, dodgy.

But it's a good piece of work. A few punctuation errors and stuff like that, but the vocabulary is good overall and it's quite well structured.

Well done :D!

[Judas]

I agree it slows the tension, but it doesn't completely kill the story :|

it doesnt kill it at all, its just not a very good similie really as babies arent known for tumbling i guess? and spelling it out like inseriousity put would slow down the pace of the story, something else would work better

but it is really good, especially coming from an 11 year old really well done :)

[Volumise]

its good, better than what I would write

[Narnat,]

Amazingg ;']]] tbh. It's really discriptive !