Competition Entry

[Gibs960]

Writing Competition, MORE INFO IN THIS THREAD (http://www.habboxforum.com/showthread.php?t=659036&page=1&highlight=Writing+Competition)!
Here's my entry anyway:

I saw a glimpse of the hooded figure appear when I turned my back. ginger hair, red eyes, white skin & the most distinctive feature, his colossal teeth. He edged forward, his boots echoing like a shout in a cave. My legs turned to jelly as I fell to the floor. He lunged forward and grabbed my torso with his right hand before with his left hand he grabbed my neck and sunk his teeth into me. My pulse raced as I tried to push him off. How many more excruciating seconds would pass before he would finally stop draining me. After what felt like an eternity of him gulping down my thick, red blood. My skin turned pearl white and my eyes became a dark scarlet. What had I become? Finally I gained the strength to push the beast off me. His Scarlet eyes were wide, his skin was even whiter than my own. When I analysed his features I realised what he was - A Vampire… Did this mean I was one of them? How could I ever go back to my family without ripping them apart? These questions would soon be answered… I had to go somewhere…

It had to be 200 words btw :)

[hamheyelliot]

It's a nice little story, good luck in the competition!

First things first are a few little punctuation and grammar errors: for example ginger hair when it's starting a sentence and should be Ginger hair. Also in a few places you've used unnecessary capital letters, such as 'Scarlet eyes', if Scarlet was a person (a noun) that would be fine but it's a description (adjective) so it stays lowercase.

In a few places you've ended the sentence a little early, some of those short sentences are really effective for the story- but for example where you've written 'thick, red blood.', you should continue the sentence with what you've written after, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

Other than that, I would remove one of the ellipsis (... things), for effect it's best to stick to one in a paragraph.


I don't try to nitpick, I'm assuming little things like this will sway your outcome in the competition, so it's for the better!

As for the actual story: it's a great, conclusive story that leaves some thought for the reader!

[Gibs960]

I changed stuff before I sent it cos my mum read it, and I'm definite I put a comma :S instead of a fullstop :S

[hamheyelliot]

On your post above it's a full stop, and the sentence doesn't seem to make sense on its own. Best of luck with the entry.

[Gibs960]

Thanks :-) I probably won't win, but I suppose it's the taking part that counts :)