Save me [Lyrics]

[K-Cat]

Here's a song that I wrote a few months ago. I hope you like it. :)
Feedback is welcomed.

My once perfect life is crashing down around me

Burying me in faraway memories of what used to be

Suffocating me until everything fades

Slowly my soul dies as the joy and happiness is drained from every fiber of my being

Leaving me an empty shell fuelled only by anger and sorrow


Chorus

I need a saviour, a guardian, a bringer of light

Someone, anyone, to save me from myself

Save me from the dark

Save me from the world

Take me away from this life and start anew

Be my guardian angel


Paranoia calls as I slip further and further into a pit of desolation

Deeper and deeper, continuously falling like a never ending nightmare

Will these troubles ever cease?

The world is a cruel place in disguise

Only now I realise it.


Chorus

I need a saviour, a guardian, a bringer of light

Someone, anyone, to save me from myself

Save me from the dark

Save me from the world

Take me away from this life and start anew

Be my guardian angel


This world in which we live is not as it seems

Still in darkness I finally acknowledge it

My can’t take it much longer

It has to end

Before I break, I shatter and whither away.

Just in time…


I’ve found my saviour, my guardian, my bringer of light

Someone to save me from myself

Save me from the dark

Save me from the world

Take me away from this life and start anew

You are my guardian angel

[RedStratocas]

cant really judge a song that isnt recorded?! try recording it ill give you some feedback.
or do you want us to judge it as a poem?

[Becca]

the lyrics are good, make sure the beat is right for it though

[K-Cat]

Well, I just write them. I don't have the voice to sing them. And I'm in the process of learning the guitar.

[RedStratocas]

o so its a poem then.

i like how you stay on topic, its hard to do that in lyricism. but some of the lines are kinda ambiguous, like "Paranoia calls as I slip further and further into a pit of desolation." i would try to make lines like that more specific or personal. our intuition tells us that people want to hear broad lyrics so that more people feel a connection to a poem/song, but the reality is that if you're going to write lyric-centered songs you want to be more specific, personal, and less obvious. it makes people think, and makes your lyrics sound more honest. no one wants to hear, say, "the ocean is beautiful," its too straight forward and applicable, but if you were to describe why the ocean is beautiful, or indirectly make reference to it through its features, thats what keeps people thinking and interested.

[Sly]

It doesn't even rhyme in the slightest, I know songs don't always have to rhyme but seriously
And the 20 syllable line just completely takes the cake.
And aside from that, it sounds like the ramblin' of a 11 year old Emo kid.