My first paragraph...

[,elaboratedolls]

So I'm writing a story in Literacy at school, and wanted to share the first paragraph of it. The story is called "Diamond Knives" (I laugh so much when I read the title as I was thinking of the song Diamond Eyes xD) and it's about this girl that has just started her freshman year, and a mysterious person joins the school all of a sudden, what they don't know is that this person is a psychopath and is selecting victims from that class to kill. So this paragraph isn't really saying much about the characters, it just says "Hey, this book is about a psychopath and it's got loads of deaths in it!". So, Hope you like it:) P.S; This is only the first draft ;)

She panted hard, crying and screaming in fear. There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from a girl around my age. "Save me god! Please!" Prayed the girl quickly. "What's the use of praying?! Like god will save you now. And anyway, you're going to die no matter what, so let me kill you.". "No! Just let me live a little longer!" She cried. She ran through the orange and red leaves, and tripped on a sharp, smoky grey rock and cut her knee so badly she was unable to move. Lots of blood dripped down her leg, she wiped the blood off and wiped her tears off her face. She tried to get up but it was useless. She started to cry and scream again. The amber leaves started to rustle. She then heard a quiet giggle. The thing looked worried all of a sudden. It lurched over to her and bent down to hug her. "It's okay," it whispered into her ear. She curled her arms around it's neck. "It will only hurt for, well... forever." it whispered again with a little laugh in between. "What?!" she asked quietly but confused. Why had it been so kind to her, but suddenly bringing up pain and torture so quickly, she thought. There was a little clink that echoed through the empty forest. The moon glistened off it's sharp knife. "So long, dearest enemy.". It lifted the knife up over it's head and smiled and giggled once more. She screamed and cried, chanting "Help me!" at the top of her lungs, but still no one could hear her. It plunged the knife into her back, making a loud splash. There was a even more screaming, and she lastly cried "No!". Then silence. A pool of crimson blood surrounded her. It wiped the blood of it's face, then it smiled and licked it. The abandoned forest was suddenly filled with a mental laughter. Such a bad thing happened, but no one even knew about it until a month later. And that, is her. Aramo Leo. Top of the deadliest people on the planet.


And yeah... that's the first paragraph.
Tell me what you think of it, and some improvements. I've done some little tweakings whilst listening to Rena's laugh for 10 minutes (BWAHAHAHAHA. On minute 4:25 atm :L). The line were Aramo says "You're going to die no matter what, so let me kill you." got it from the Yuki vs. Asakura battle from TMoHS ;)
So yeah. Thanks:)

[Matthew]

only thing i can say is that you start too many sentences with 'she'.
try to mix it up a bit :)

for example, instead of 'She cried', use 'tears dripped down her face' or something.

also, instead of 'she wiped the blood off and wiped her tears off her face' you dont need to use "wiped" twice, so try: "she wiped the blood off her leg and the tears off her face".

Hope this helps :)

[kuzkasate]

I think it sounds great so far and has engaged me, so well done on that.

The only thing, however is that it sounds like too much all squashed into one paragraph. I also suggest you change some words like "lots of blood" just change it to something a little more exciting. Also these this part doesnt really make sense "There was a even more screaming."

You also may want to change the sentences around a bit like this for example:
There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from a girl around my age

In the distance, a cackle could be heard (what ever you think sounds better)

and the other part "most likely from a girl around my age" doesnt really sound that good maybe change it to something like most likely by a girl, a girl just like me, innocent and ...

Also, maybe change the "prayed quickly" part because I cannot imagine someone praying quickly, they may do it in a rushed/hurried way.

Just a few ideas, but for a first draft, sounds great. :D

[Samantha]

There is some punctuation/gramatical errors, e.g. when the speaker switches I'm sure it is suppose to start a new line.
Anyway, some small things, some of the lines aren't really interesting, for example...

There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from a girl around my age.

There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from yet another victim laying helpless. Lifeless. (Lifeless is a simple impact sentence but also is a metaphor as you cannot cackle when you are lifeless.)

(God could use a capital letter btw)

"Save me god! Please!" Prayed the girl quickly.

The girl, desperate and weak, had no choice but to seek advice in God. Praying that he would rescue her from this terrifying ordeal.

She ran through the orange and red leaves, and tripped on a sharp, smoky grey rock and cut her knee so badly she was unable to move.

She ran through the forest, leaves crunching with every step she took. Suddenly, she tripped, not knowing what part of her body to shield, she chose her face, hoping that maybe she would wake up, from this nightmare - but of course, this was very, very real. Attempting to carry on running, her leg throbbed with pain, and yet again she fell onto the cold Autumn mud, not knowing what was going to come of her.

[RandomManJay]

Maybe I've read it wrong, but this part here: "There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from a girl around my age", in particular the my sounds wrong. Who is it referring to exactly? Because it sounds like you're writing it in the 3rd person, but "my" is 1st person unless its supposed to be a thought or spoken words, which it would have to be either stated that its a thought, or put into speech marks.

Also, it's like a lot of things are overly described, making it rather convoluted so you don't really get the right amount of tenstion and quick tempo. Also try to make the psychopath's words more cold, calculated and heartless.

[Samantha]

Maybe I've read it wrong, but this part here: "There was a cackle in the distance, most likely from a girl around my age", in particular the my sounds wrong. Who is it referring to exactly? Because it sounds like you're writing it in the 3rd person, but "my" is 1st person unless its supposed to be a thought or spoken words, which it would have to be either stated that its a thought, or put into speech marks.

Also, it's like a lot of things are overly described, making it rather convoluted so you don't really get the right amount of tenstion and quick tempo. Also try to make the psychopath's words more cold, calculated and heartless.

This also, hense the description of the rock.

[kooldude23]

It sounds great so far, try adding a few more adjectives to describe the enviroment thorughly. It will add to the atmosphere leading up to the death.

[,elaboratedolls]

Thanks for the comments.
This first paragraph is just a taster of what you might get in the story, and it only introduces the main character until the second which I have finished, but won't be posting cause it's long :|
I know it could be a bit more descriptive too... but for some reason I forgot to put some metaphors, similes and adjectives in so it just says about this random persons death.
But this first paragraph would make sense once you've read the full story, which I might post on some blog site.
I like the suggestions though! Maybe I could put them in the final story.
But yeah, +rep for all the comments.

[Jessicrawrr]

that's actually very good, I would continue reading something if it started like that!
but yeah, as others have said you use 'She' too often, also you need to use different adjectives, not just plain ones that are used quite often.