Sexuality and causes?

[Casanova]

I was chatting with my step-mum today and we were discussing various things surrounding relationships and general chit chat.

My family are aware of me being gay, and finally it would appear either it's hidden and not thought of, or they've accepted it. Either way I'm not camp or rub it in their faces.

When we were discussing my personal relationship with my mum (she cheated on my dad and then left when I was ten. No i don't see her, no i don't wish to see her and no, it doesn't "hurt") and my step-mum blurted out "I think you're gay because of your mum"
"I think you can't trust women and never would, so you're gay".


We didn't go into it but effectively she feels I bat for the other side because of the trauma from my broken relationship with my mum. I totally disagree and feel that it's just the way i feel - I remember attraction to guys a year or two before my mum left.

My dad, he feels that I'm still straight, I'm not "sure" (he thinks i'm 'inexperienced' but won't let me discuss my sex life if i try to explain that's just not the case...) and i'm going through a "phase".

Has anyone expressed their opinions on your relationships or sexuality? What d'you feel personally?

[beth]

i think yr step-mom/dad are still coming to terms with yr sexuality and henceforth are probably trying to find some level of understanding.

the whole nature vs. nurture argument around homosexuality has been raging for years, and i think it can be a mix of both. i do believe some people are born with an attraction to the same sex pre-defined, however i also believe that sometimes when an individual suffers a trauma at the hands of a member of the opposite sex, subconsciously that does something to the person. especially if this happens at a very young age when your brain is beginning to understand relationships.
i don't think we'll ever truly know, it's an interesting argument though.

[qaxzsw]

People DON'T get turned gay. You are born gay and thats that. you cant change it. you can't change your sexuality. I get really pissed off by people who think its a choice or something made you gay. It's 'god' or nature or w.e.

[beth]

People DON'T get turned gay. You are born gay and thats that. you cant change it. you can't change your sexuality. I get really pissed off by people who think its a choice or something made you gay. It's 'god' or nature or w.e.

don't wet yrself. and i know people for a FACT that turned gay because of a certain incident or a bad time with a guy, so *REMOVED*
and lol god. yum. religion.

Edited by HotelUser (Forum Moderator): Please don't be rude to other forum members, thanks.

[Casanova]

They've had two years. In a way it's actually affected my relationships as a whole coming out to my parents.
My dad won't allow me to discuss my personal relationships so as a general rule no one has ever known of any of my personal relationships. If I come home after a late night if asked i state i stayed at a female friends house 'cos my dad wouldn't appreciate hearing a guys name.

The instance with my mum has affected my relationships as a whole. Of course I'm more mis-trustful but that's not to say i bat for the other side because my mother affected me. Dear god if a froidian was online I'm sure they'd rip this to shreds :D!

And yea the nature/nurture arguement is difficult. Even from this side i can see sides from either arguement in my life.

[qaxzsw]

Anyone whos got 'turned' gay can **** right off. you dont get turned gay. your born it.

[beth]

They've had two years. In a way it's actually affected my relationships as a whole coming out to my parents.
My dad won't allow me to discuss my personal relationships so as a general rule no one has ever known of any of my personal relationships. If I come home after a late night if asked i state i stayed at a female friends house 'cos my dad wouldn't appreciate hearing a guys name.

The instance with my mum has affected my relationships as a whole. Of course I'm more mis-trustful but that's not to say i bat for the other side because my mother affected me. Dear god if a froidian was online I'm sure they'd rip this to shreds :D!

And yea the nature/nurture arguement is difficult. Even from this side i can see sides from either arguement in my life.

in your case because you said you felt for a guy before yr mom walking out, i'm more inclined to say nature, however yr mom may have further convinced yr conscience if that makes sense?

p.s: cowbiscuits, since you seem to know everything about human behaviour ever, can you tell me explain to me a few other mysterys of life?

[Casanova]

People DON'T get turned gay. You are born gay and thats that. you cant change it. you can't change your sexuality. I get really pissed off by people who think its a choice or something made you gay. It's 'god' or nature or w.e.

There's arguements for both sides. you're being a tad extreme.


don't wet yrself. and i know people for a FACT that turned gay because of a certain incident or a bad time with a guy, so feel free to climb out of yr own arse.
and lol god. yum. religion.

I could pick a whole in that too. Curiosity killed the cat... you need to have a thought or two before you proceed for something.


Anyone whos got 'turned' gay can **** right off. you dont get turned gay. your born it.

Stop being an idiot, let people express themselves... I WANT TO BREAK FREE!!! (chorus).

[qaxzsw]

Ok, well I'm gay, say i get abused by a guy i am in a relationship with, am I suddenly gonna think omg i hate men they abuse me -turns straight- No, its in the mind, you are born with a nautral attraction to male or female, or both.

[beth]

I could pick a whole in that too. Curiosity killed the cat... you need to have a thought or two before you proceed for something.


i agree, but i know people who had very very bad childhood experiences with men (their dads/uncles etc) and has rebelled against the opposite sex since, and anyone who tries to imply that NATURALLY happened is chatting **** and not taking all parameters into consideration.

but then we will never have the chance to bring her up in a different environment to compare the differences.

i know why people get angry about it, because i know by implying their is an environmental cause to sexuality almost means i'm saying it's a choice, but i'm not. i'm talking about the subconscious fully here, not the conscious mind.

[qaxzsw]

i kinda see where your coming from, but it grinds me up because I know alot of people who claimed they decided to be gay, (not because of a reason or anything,) or that 'someone' turned them gay, and that really annoys me, theres nothing that makes me more mad.

[Casanova]

The only way I reason with it is that you have the curiosity. that you are neutral to both sexs and you shape your feelings and instincts around life. So technically bisexual?

My favourite arguement for "when did you decide you were gay"
"Since i decided to be gay, does that mean i'm the straight one and you've picked the opposite sex?

[-:Undertaker:-]

It is natural of course and I suspect the nurture argument has come up because nature (believe it or not) can influence your personality/the way you act/the way you move - almost everything.

[Casanova]

anyway... we weren't discussing the mystique behind sexuality. What's your peers and family's feelings on your sexuality etc.

[FlyingJesus]

People DON'T get turned gay. You are born gay and thats that. you cant change it. you can't change your sexuality. I get really pissed off by people who think its a choice or something made you gay. It's 'god' or nature or w.e.

Yeah let's just ignore the fact that there's no "gay gene" and that nearly all social behaviour is learned shall we? No-one's suggesting it's a "choice", the nurture argument takes nothing away from it being as much a part of you as anything else is so no need to get angry


Anyone whos got 'turned' gay can **** right off.

So you're now suggesting that any homosexuals who believe in the nurture theory (which in fact covers nearly all of the gay folk I know) aren't truly eligible to be gay?


On what friends and family think with regards to me, my parents seem to think I'm some sort of Casanova (if you'll excuse the expression) with the ladies while most of my friends are apparently waiting for me to come out of the closet lol, so who knows what the real general opinion is. I don't think my family are too happy with some of the somewhat less masculine tendencies I have though

[Inseriousity.]

I don't think there can be one general cause tbh. I think it's half-nature, half-nurture. For example, in some tribe in some place I forgot the name of, the traditional gender roles are swapped round. Men do the housework, gossip, raise the children while the women have the fights, go to work etc. So yeah I think there has to be some part of nature involved but a 'trigger' in life that brings that nature to life such as a bad experience with the opposite sex like bethie was saying or something as simple as seeing some fit man/woman and thinking sexual things... which I'd get warned for if I go into too much detail ;)

[luce]

People DON'T get turned gay. You are born gay and thats that. you cant change it. you can't change your sexuality. I get really pissed off by people who think its a choice or something made you gay. It's 'god' or nature or w.e.

how can you say that for sure. say if i decided i liked girls now after being with guys? does that mean everything i felt for those guys wasn't real because it sure as hell felt it? then how do you explain bisexuals aswell because they go for both? Also the whole idea of it being god is flawed because if you're talking about a religious god i don't know any god of modern religion (or accent for that matter) who supports homosexuality. Maybe you should reconsider what you just said before being so dogmatic about your views because at the end of the day there has to be an element of choice there because i don't think much is fixed in life, if it wasn't a choice you would haven't people dating then coming out as gay because they wouldn't even want to touch a girl/guy (respective of gender).

oh and you can be turned gay? course you can! i don't think anyone is gay until like whenever because you're so conditioned by society to be straight you don't see 4 year olds holding hands with their first same sex crush? It's impressed on you by parents/friends etc to get a gf/bf you don't really make your own mind up until at least 15/16. I know people who have had girlfriends and are now so gay it's funny.

Personally i think you just fall in love with one person sometimes regardless of their gender. At the end of the day i think that's how it should be there is so much stigma attached to having a fixed sexuality yet surely it's just easier to fall in love with someone whatever.

[qaxzsw]

Yeah let's just ignore the fact that there's no "gay gene" and that nearly all social behaviour is learned shall we? No-one's suggesting it's a "choice", the nurture argument takes nothing away from it being as much a part of you as anything else is so no need to get angry



So you're now suggesting that any homosexuals who believe in the nurture theory (which in fact covers nearly all of the gay folk I know) aren't truly eligible to be gay?


On what friends and family think with regards to me, my parents seem to think I'm some sort of Casanova (if you'll excuse the expression) with the ladies while most of my friends are apparently waiting for me to come out of the closet lol, so who knows what the real general opinion is. I don't think my family are too happy with some of the somewhat less masculine tendencies I have though
No, I'm not saying they're not eligble to be gay, I'm just saying, I think people who say that don't understand sexuality. It's just MY opinion.


how can you say that for sure. say if i decided i liked girls now after being with guys? does that mean everything i felt for those guys wasn't real because it sure as hell felt it? then how do you explain bisexuals aswell because they go for both? Also the whole idea of it being god is flawed because if you're talking about a religious god i don't know any god of modern religion (or accent for that matter) who supports homosexuality. Maybe you should reconsider what you just said before being so dogmatic about your views because at the end of the day there has to be an element of choice there because i don't think much is fixed in life, if it wasn't a choice you would haven't people dating then coming out as gay because they wouldn't even want to touch a girl/guy (respective of gender).

oh and you can be turned gay? course you can! i don't think anyone is gay until like whenever because you're so conditioned by society to be straight you don't see 4 year olds holding hands with their first same sex crush? It's impressed on you by parents/friends etc to get a gf/bf you don't really make your own mind up until at least 15/16. I know people who have had girlfriends and are now so gay it's funny.

Personally i think you just fall in love with one person sometimes regardless of their gender. At the end of the day i think that's how it should be there is so much stigma attached to having a fixed sexuality yet surely it's just easier to fall in love with someone whatever.

If you read carefully enough, I said 'god', I am not religious, and actually, Christianity supposidly supports gays, some people have 'misread' the bible, and if you google it, there are alot of sites which say that christinanity is not anti-gay. Anyway, I was just saying that for an example.

Oh, and as for the dating thing, I have dated girls before, and that is because I didn't know my sexuality, but thats because it's not something you know, but you have it there. And some gays or lesbians will date the oppisite sex for a cover up.

[Panda]

i don't think you're born gay, like most things in your life are learned over time or gained over time, so in my opinion i think your surroundings and circumstances as you grow up are what effects your sexuality. you aint born craving cooch or shlong na'mean.

[HotelUser]

Isn't it just like anything else? Some people prefer brown over blonde hair, green eyes over blue, tall over short, one accent over another. You can't necessarily question such preferences. Sexuality isn't tangible either some people just prefer one dance over another, you can't always pinpoint it towards one rhyme or reason. I don't think you can just wake up one morning and decide to like a gender of sorts, I think it's built upon the perspectives and influences of a person's entire life.

[Shar]

I agree, you can't be born gay :S who you are develops with your everyday life.

[RandomManJay]

Its common for family members and those close to you to find and make up reasons to explain your sexuality, as in a way, although they may accept it, they may feel responsible in some way so they do it to try and eliviate that sense of responsibility and guilt. I think its known as "deflection" but I'm not sure.

Its sounds more or less like she's still coming to terms with it. If you really didn't like what she said, you can talk to her about it.

As for personal experiences. My parents don't know I'm bi, simply because the issue never comes up. They don't really care what I am as long as I'm happy, and comfortably independent. My friends know, but they really don't care either, the issue genuinely never comes up. One of my best friends is gay and he hasn't had a problem with it either, although before he came out, he would often get really embarrased and close himself off from the universe over the random, non-genuine homophobia me and my friend would hearl at each other (its a random insult game we made up, where we use insults which aren't considered acceptable in mainstream western society. Quite a boffin style game, but meh, we're geeks).

I've found that although sexuality is sort of a taboo thing in my hometown, when people are open about it, there really isn't a problem. But I have known people who have been treated horribly for being gay (for example: a friend of mine in america commited suicide after his sister told him he was a disgrace and an insult to her being gay. She pretty much pretended to accept him and be his lynchpin for 5-6years then doubled back and destroyed his entire view of the world (she's a complete religious nutter btw)).

The best thing to do is just wait for them to become comfortable with your sexuality, and tell them if you dislike or are uncomfortable with anything they do or say to you on the subject. Just because they haven't come to terms with it, doesn't mean it gives them the right to treat you negatively for it. They can't control what you are, just like you can't control how they feel about it.