Matthew
01-11-2010, 12:07 PM
This is the story which I submitted to a competition the other day, and I wanted to know what you thought about it xP
The first lines were set, and we had to make a story based on that. In bold is the set lines. It also had to be a maximum of 1000ish words, and I've done 960 odd.
So yeh, thoughts?
--------------------------
Thomas and Beth were having a perfectly normal ride home until their train stopped at a station that didn’t exist.
“I’m sure that this isn’t Mathbury Way,” said Beth as she poked Thomas in the shoulder. “This definitely isn’t Mathbury Way...”
“What?” said Thomas looking up from the movie playing on his iPod, “Are you sure? It must be Mathbury Way, this is the first station that we’ve come to since we boarded, meaning it has to be the right one. You remember, we talked about it earlier. Come on now, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late for tea.” Thomas got up from his seat and started to walk down the aisle to the exit. Beth wasn’t convinced, but reluctantly followed her brother.
As the two stepped off the train, they were faced with what looked like a perfectly normal station. “Oh, wait a minute,” said Thomas as the train accelerated off behind him, “That sign says that this is Darkway Station”
“Ugh, I told you! Why do you never listen to me? Now we’re at completely the wrong station and the train has just gone. Great,” Beth said, frowning.
“Calm down Beth, it was just a misunderstanding; we got off at the wrong stop, it’s nothing major. Look, I’m sure there’ll be someone around to ask for help, a ticket-man, someone.”
The two children looked around, but saw no-one at the station at all. Thomas suggested that they walk around a bit to find someone. Beth agreed, and off they went.
“There’s no-one around, honestly. Look what you’ve got us into Tom, now we’re easily gonna’ be late for tea.”
“B-B-Beth...”Thomas mumbled. “Beth!” he then shouted, pulling his sister over to him.
“What?!”
“Look!” he screamed, while pointing off into the empty station.
“What.. Is that?” Beth said, trying not to appear scared.
Thomas gulped. “I don’t know, but it’s getting closer! Run!” The two children then turned around and ran, hand in hand, to the steps which led up to the ticket office. Little did they know that they were being pursued by a cave goblin, a huge and terrifying beast which lives in dark and damp caves.
The children found themselves at the steps, and Tom turned around to see his worst nightmare. The goblin would be upon the children in a matter of seconds. “Quick,” he shrieked, “its coming!” Beth, in her haste, tripped on one of the steps. Her brother frantically tried to help her up, but it was too late. The creature was upon them, and with its disgusting green hands it picked Beth up by the waist. “Get off her!” Tom said as he begin to pick litter up off the floor and throw it at the beast, “leave her alone!”
Beth feared the end, trying her best to kick out at the goblin with her dangling legs. The goblin took out a dagger. Beth looked away. Tom became silent. Just as Beth was about to be devoured, the cave goblin gave out a terrible screech, and fell to the floor with an almighty thud. Beth was let free of the beast’s grasp, and she fell to the ground in shock. Under further inspection, the children noticed that an arrow made of solid gold had been shot straight through the goblin’s massive head. Someone had saved the children’s life, but who? “What the hell was that,” Tom said, while looking around for someone to answer.
“I don’t know, but it was about to kill me! Who shot the arrow,” she said to Tom, before shouting the question again to find the archer responsible.
The kids heard a voice. “Me,” the voice said. It was a soft and friendly voice, with a certain sense of authority about it. A figure appeared. It was a short woman, wearing dirty jeans and an old, ripped shirt. “And you’re damn lucky I was here as well. What are you doing here? You could have been killed.”
“We were on a train home, we just got off at the wrong stop,” Beth said, “I’d never even heard of this station anyway, I never knew it existed. I wish that I still didn’t!”
“No-one has ever heard of it, no-one knows that it exists, until of course they arrive,” the woman said, “I’m Jan, by the way. I’ve been here for 6 months, fighting off those blasted goblins. You’re the first survivors, actually. No need to thank me.”
“How did we get here?” Tom asked.
“Err, I believe that you said you arrived by train?” Jan laughed.
“No, how did we get here, this station doesn’t exist.”
Jan smiled. “Ahh,” she said, “Well that’s kinda’ hard to explain. To put it simply, you were chosen. By who; I don’t know. Why; I likewise don’t know. All I know is that someone, somewhere, wants you here. And he won’t be happy ‘til you’re dead. It’s the same with me, but I’m still here, eh?”
“So how do we get out!?” cried Tom, “I want to go home...”
“There’s only one way out, and it’s not easy. We’ll have to work as a team. Way to the east of here there’s a portal, it’s heavily guarded though, by yet more of those goblins. To open the portal, three levers need to be pressed at the same time, that’s why I haven’t been able to escape yet. As I said, everyone else who arrived here so far has died.”
And so, in the empty and unknown Darkway Station, the three stood, discussing their exit of that evil abyss. They knew it would be hard, they knew that they would have to risk death to escape, but they knew that it had to be done. They had to get out, no question about it.
The first lines were set, and we had to make a story based on that. In bold is the set lines. It also had to be a maximum of 1000ish words, and I've done 960 odd.
So yeh, thoughts?
--------------------------
Thomas and Beth were having a perfectly normal ride home until their train stopped at a station that didn’t exist.
“I’m sure that this isn’t Mathbury Way,” said Beth as she poked Thomas in the shoulder. “This definitely isn’t Mathbury Way...”
“What?” said Thomas looking up from the movie playing on his iPod, “Are you sure? It must be Mathbury Way, this is the first station that we’ve come to since we boarded, meaning it has to be the right one. You remember, we talked about it earlier. Come on now, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late for tea.” Thomas got up from his seat and started to walk down the aisle to the exit. Beth wasn’t convinced, but reluctantly followed her brother.
As the two stepped off the train, they were faced with what looked like a perfectly normal station. “Oh, wait a minute,” said Thomas as the train accelerated off behind him, “That sign says that this is Darkway Station”
“Ugh, I told you! Why do you never listen to me? Now we’re at completely the wrong station and the train has just gone. Great,” Beth said, frowning.
“Calm down Beth, it was just a misunderstanding; we got off at the wrong stop, it’s nothing major. Look, I’m sure there’ll be someone around to ask for help, a ticket-man, someone.”
The two children looked around, but saw no-one at the station at all. Thomas suggested that they walk around a bit to find someone. Beth agreed, and off they went.
“There’s no-one around, honestly. Look what you’ve got us into Tom, now we’re easily gonna’ be late for tea.”
“B-B-Beth...”Thomas mumbled. “Beth!” he then shouted, pulling his sister over to him.
“What?!”
“Look!” he screamed, while pointing off into the empty station.
“What.. Is that?” Beth said, trying not to appear scared.
Thomas gulped. “I don’t know, but it’s getting closer! Run!” The two children then turned around and ran, hand in hand, to the steps which led up to the ticket office. Little did they know that they were being pursued by a cave goblin, a huge and terrifying beast which lives in dark and damp caves.
The children found themselves at the steps, and Tom turned around to see his worst nightmare. The goblin would be upon the children in a matter of seconds. “Quick,” he shrieked, “its coming!” Beth, in her haste, tripped on one of the steps. Her brother frantically tried to help her up, but it was too late. The creature was upon them, and with its disgusting green hands it picked Beth up by the waist. “Get off her!” Tom said as he begin to pick litter up off the floor and throw it at the beast, “leave her alone!”
Beth feared the end, trying her best to kick out at the goblin with her dangling legs. The goblin took out a dagger. Beth looked away. Tom became silent. Just as Beth was about to be devoured, the cave goblin gave out a terrible screech, and fell to the floor with an almighty thud. Beth was let free of the beast’s grasp, and she fell to the ground in shock. Under further inspection, the children noticed that an arrow made of solid gold had been shot straight through the goblin’s massive head. Someone had saved the children’s life, but who? “What the hell was that,” Tom said, while looking around for someone to answer.
“I don’t know, but it was about to kill me! Who shot the arrow,” she said to Tom, before shouting the question again to find the archer responsible.
The kids heard a voice. “Me,” the voice said. It was a soft and friendly voice, with a certain sense of authority about it. A figure appeared. It was a short woman, wearing dirty jeans and an old, ripped shirt. “And you’re damn lucky I was here as well. What are you doing here? You could have been killed.”
“We were on a train home, we just got off at the wrong stop,” Beth said, “I’d never even heard of this station anyway, I never knew it existed. I wish that I still didn’t!”
“No-one has ever heard of it, no-one knows that it exists, until of course they arrive,” the woman said, “I’m Jan, by the way. I’ve been here for 6 months, fighting off those blasted goblins. You’re the first survivors, actually. No need to thank me.”
“How did we get here?” Tom asked.
“Err, I believe that you said you arrived by train?” Jan laughed.
“No, how did we get here, this station doesn’t exist.”
Jan smiled. “Ahh,” she said, “Well that’s kinda’ hard to explain. To put it simply, you were chosen. By who; I don’t know. Why; I likewise don’t know. All I know is that someone, somewhere, wants you here. And he won’t be happy ‘til you’re dead. It’s the same with me, but I’m still here, eh?”
“So how do we get out!?” cried Tom, “I want to go home...”
“There’s only one way out, and it’s not easy. We’ll have to work as a team. Way to the east of here there’s a portal, it’s heavily guarded though, by yet more of those goblins. To open the portal, three levers need to be pressed at the same time, that’s why I haven’t been able to escape yet. As I said, everyone else who arrived here so far has died.”
And so, in the empty and unknown Darkway Station, the three stood, discussing their exit of that evil abyss. They knew it would be hard, they knew that they would have to risk death to escape, but they knew that it had to be done. They had to get out, no question about it.