Creative writing piece

[dbgtz]

It's not amazing, but I would like to get a rough estimate on what I will get on this. Admittidly there is not much plot to it, but I decided to keep it short as we had to hand write it. I also didn't get much chance to develop a plot from the lack of time I had (about a week).

http://i54.tinypic.com/2s0ljj4.png
http://tinypic.com/r/2s0ljj4/7

[Misawa]

It's a bit overkill on the 'woe me' front. It's trudging to get through the story because of how negative it all is and how just about everything is sinister. I couldn't take it seriously when you were describing the shop in such a harsh way. Some of the descriptions are also on the clumsy side. I failed to understand just what it was about. Certain things are alluded to but they aren't clear. There is some good in there, but you need to salvage it by drastically re-wording your piece. If you do tht, you could get a decent mark, depending on your age.

[dbgtz]

It's a bit overkill on the 'woe me' front. It's trudging to get through the story because of how negative it all is and how just about everything is sinister. I couldn't take it seriously when you were describing the shop in such a harsh way. Some of the descriptions are also on the clumsy side. I failed to understand just what it was about. Certain things are alluded to but they aren't clear. There is some good in there, but you need to salvage it by drastically re-wording your piece. If you do tht, you could get a decent mark, depending on your age.

Well it wasn't meant to be nice, and I tried to develop the characters sort of insanity and paranoia, but I think lack of time and the fact I had to hand write it made me not include anything directly suggesting it. Also can I have a couple (the worst) descriptions which are clumsy, for future reference. It's only GCSE so I don't think it will be too bad, but if I want to redo it I want to know where I generally went wrong :P Thanks for the comments btw, much appreciated.

[Narnat,]

I actually really like it Why aren't you a news or article writer :O +Rep

[Jacob]

It's considerably good at GCSE level and I feel that the structure is flowing reasonably well. There's not much I can comment on really because it's a creative writing piece and all I can try to do is sense what your trying to convey. Obviously their is a strong sense of negativity but you mentioned that you were trying to express insanity which I can't see clearly, but well done ;)

[Mathew]

You needed to write some creative writing and that's exactly what it is. It really is very good for a GCSE piece in my opinion.

I wouldn't worry too much about it being sinister; it reminded me a little of Catcher in the Rye (J.D Salinger). In the book, Holden Caulfield (protagonist) is such a cynical, pessimistic and all-round grumpy teenager who hates the world and everything in it annoys him; yet it mentions a light at the end of the tunnel, a younger family member who means the world to him. Your writing is similar in the sense it's so pessimistic (even depressing in parts!) yet still has that hope at the end. Interesting.

If I was to give you a tip for improvement however, I would advise you to "vary sentence lengths" which is something your teacher will be looking for (it's on the mark scheme). After having a quick skim through, pretty much 98% of your piece consists of compound or complex sentences. In order to give extra emphasis to those sentences, you need to vary it with simple sentences (maybe just one word!) so that people don't get bored and it becomes an effort going through it. For example, you said "You only live once." at the end of a paragraph which was good, because it was in so much contrast with the rest of the paragraph.

Good luck! :)