Protective or obsessive?

[blackops121]

Basically I've been going out with my girlfriend for 8 months now, I think it is a pretty great relationship with only one flaw, Me.

Ever since we first got together I have been very protective and jealous over her, I disliked it when she was out getting drunk, when she was at parties, generally when she was with boys. I told her my worries and everything and she reassured me everything would be fine. I didn't stop her from doing these things but I was strongly against it and on a few occassions asked her to please not do it.
Recently I feel like my protectiveness has gotten even larger rather than smaller, I find myself annoyed when she even goes out with GIRL friends, nevermind male friends. And when she decides to drink I feel so angry that I begin to almost make her cry.

I know I sound like a really bad person right now, but I honestly can't help it, I don't mean it in a bad way at all, even though it may come across like that:(

Is this just over-protectiveness, or is this becoming something more, obsession?

I know I need to stop, I need to trust her and let her have her fun, but I just can't help but worry so much.
What should I do?

[Mark]

I think there is a lack of trust in the relationship maybe. You need to trust her that she will be faithful to you, I think everyone goes through it tbh. What I always think is, she picked you, no one else. From previous relationships have you ever been cheated on? Sometimes that is the cause of it.

[Narnat,]

I would agree with Mark it sounds like there is a lack of trust and she will end up leaving you if you smother her. She needs a break away from you and you need a break away from her it's just the way people get a break! Maybe just tell her how you feel but sometimes you just have to let her go and get on with it!

[cocaine]

you're probably just scared of losing her. just back off a bit, show you trust her and it will be reciprocated.

[Shar]

you're probably just scared of losing her. just back off a bit, show you trust her and it will be reciprocated.
This really. Give her a bit more space and show her that you trust her.

[Kaseythegreat]

I agree. Give some space and maybe she will start to see that you trust her a little more.

[blackops121]

I think there is a lack of trust in the relationship maybe. You need to trust her that she will be faithful to you, I think everyone goes through it tbh. What I always think is, she picked you, no one else. From previous relationships have you ever been cheated on? Sometimes that is the cause of it.

No i've not been cheated on as far as I am aware of, But I have admitted to her from the very start that I have major trust issues, most likely originating from my past as a smaller child. I don't trust anyone with anything, even if a friend said to meet them at the cinema, I would think of all these different possibilities such as, Are they even going to show up? Is it cause they are bored and i'm a last resort? I think of the worst of things. She is aware of it so I think she is giving me some leignancy on the matter, But I know its really getting to her, She has told me it makes her so sad that I don't trust her. Even though I probably trust her more than anyone else in my life, It's still a very small amount of trust. And I think this has caused her to even struggle to trust me.

Yeah I am very scared of losing her, I've never really 'properly' liked a girl in the past, When I went out with them it was for the hell of it really, But I think I really do love this girl, and just I get really worried that she will like another guy over me or something.
I've told her I'm going to give her more space to do her own thing, and that I will trust her. I'm trying really hard to follow through on it, I know she's got a day out with her friends to the beach some day this or next week, Drink will be involved to the extent where I don't think they are even going to attempt to come home, they will be finding the nearest B&B. I guess that will be an test of how much I trust her.

I don't want to have a break from the relationship and I really want to stay with her, We have made so many commitments already, We have booked a holiday to spain next year and everything. Is there anything I can do that will strengthen the trust? Perhaps just ask her if she can lay off drinking from boys for a while, and then slowly move onto that or what?
I think she is ignoring my wishes now anyway, Just yesterday she was out drinking, I asked her not to drink too much, not to get too drunk and to try stay inside with girls. She said she promised she would do all of these things, And the whole night she was telling me she was sticking by them, Until her friend told me she was lying and actually she had drank Alot, Was very drunk, and was outside at a park.
I got so angry and confronted her about it, and she just bluntly said she was sick of me telling her what to do or not to do, and if I don't change it'll be the end of us. I really don't want us to end:(

[kuzkasate]

It happened to me when I had my first couple of relationships, I got so jealous and so angry it's untrue. But you have to learn to trust her. What I did that helped was whenever she went out to parties and stuff, I would go with her to keep an eye on her and stuff and if I couldn't go to the party, I'd make my friends or her friends tell me how she was acting. But you really need to trust her and spend more time with her, thats the best thing to do really. I know it's extremely hard to do that, but you need to do it because if you don't your relationship will fall apart.

[Richie]

Let her go out, if she cheats on you at least then you know she's not right for you. Think of it like this, if anything ever happened between both of you and it was more than just a teenage relationship, you can't keep her locked up forever. Why would you want your relationship to be tested when it's something bigger than it's now, when you can test it now before you get superdooperserious.

I don't trust anyone, it's a dog eat dog world and if there is someone better than you your girlfriend is going to go for them, so how i see it's, you need to be the best.

[Glen Coco]

i'm like this but it's sorta because everytime he went out he'd lie to me about what he'd done so i stopped trusting him. but time's a really good healer. and like Arfar said, try to go with her .

[blackops121]

The beach thing is today. And I've been invited along to it too, I'm not sure whether its because she wants me there or because she wants to save the hassle of me being annoyed though. :(

I really don't want to seem like a bad person! I can't help it at all, I just get so scared i'll lose her, because she's very independant and doesn't like getting too close to people, and the fact she can get drunk sooo easily makes me think someone could try take advantage of that.

I'll take all this advice on board, Thankyou. :)

[Glen Coco]

are any of your friends going?

[Accipiter]

You's could have a week or a fortnight of a "break" where you can't talk to her etc, and it might help you trust her more too see that she is loyal when she's by herself for even longer times!

You want to hope she doesn't go on holiday, haha

[Jordy]

How ridiculous you're confronting her about going out with mates or drinking. It's totally up to her and if you carry on like that, no doubt her friends will begin to hate you and it'll all be downhill from there.

You understand the problem but you seem too obsessive to do anything about it. You've got to grow up a bit, trust her and let her do what she likes, you've no right to tell her what to do. I suspect you'll probably ignore me though and your relationship will end in a matter of days/weeks.

[blackops121]

It won't end in a matter of days/weeks. We've been together for 8 and a bit months now. We are too in love with each other for it to end just yet, But i'm wanting to be able to stop this before it gets out of hand and for her to eventually tell me its over.

[beth]

you need to let her live her life or you will lose her. i had an ex that didn't like me going out and didn't like my friends, and it really upset me because i had to be two different people at different times and in the end it willl crack the relationship and drive her away.

speak to her about it, maybe go out WITH her if you can't trust her. you'll see what she's like when she's out and you'll get reassurance. if you don't like what you see when yr out with her talk to her about it.

[Shar]

you need to let her live her life or you will lose her. i had an ex that didn't like me going out and didn't like my friends, and it really upset me because i had to be two different people at different times and in the end it willl crack the relationship and drive her away.

speak to her about it, maybe go out WITH her if you can't trust her. you'll see what she's like when she's out and you'll get reassurance. if you don't like what you see when yr out with her talk to her about it.

This is quite a good suggestion, you can go out with her and then try and slowly trust her to go out on her own.

[blackops121]

Yea, But one of the reasons I get so worried is because I've been out with her, I know what she acts like when she's drunk. When she's sober shes fine, I think I'd be able to trust her when she's sober fine, After trying for alittle while. But when shes drunk? I think it will be FAR more difficult. She can get too drunk too easily :/

[Matthew]

You say that you're very scared of losing her... Well if you carry on how you are then just that will happen. You need to let her have a life or you will lose her, simple as.

If she does things behind your back, then she obviously isn't right for you anyway.

[Zak]

I agree with Matt, if you carry on like you are you're more likely to lose her. I know it can be very hard to let her do things that make you feel uncomfortable without reacting, but really dude it's not worth it. If she likes you as much as you like her, she won't do anything.

From past experience half the time the situation(s) you're stressing about aren't as bad as you think they are. As for the drinking, if she's sensible with it there should be no problems at all & if she has a good group of friends they will look after her.

If she ever did anything, then you'd know that you two weren't meant to be I guess. You'd get over it :)

[GoldenMerc]

Prob just too scared to lose her, as a saying goes theres always more fish in the sea

[Wig44.]

No i've not been cheated on as far as I am aware of, But I have admitted to her from the very start that I have major trust issues, most likely originating from my past as a smaller child. I don't trust anyone with anything, even if a friend said to meet them at the cinema, I would think of all these different possibilities such as, Are they even going to show up? Is it cause they are bored and i'm a last resort? I think of the worst of things. She is aware of it so I think she is giving me some leignancy on the matter, But I know its really getting to her, She has told me it makes her so sad that I don't trust her. Even though I probably trust her more than anyone else in my life, It's still a very small amount of trust. And I think this has caused her to even struggle to trust me.

Yeah I am very scared of losing her, I've never really 'properly' liked a girl in the past, When I went out with them it was for the hell of it really, But I think I really do love this girl, and just I get really worried that she will like another guy over me or something.
I've told her I'm going to give her more space to do her own thing, and that I will trust her. I'm trying really hard to follow through on it, I know she's got a day out with her friends to the beach some day this or next week, Drink will be involved to the extent where I don't think they are even going to attempt to come home, they will be finding the nearest B&B. I guess that will be an test of how much I trust her.

I don't want to have a break from the relationship and I really want to stay with her, We have made so many commitments already, We have booked a holiday to spain next year and everything. Is there anything I can do that will strengthen the trust? Perhaps just ask her if she can lay off drinking from boys for a while, and then slowly move onto that or what?
I think she is ignoring my wishes now anyway, Just yesterday she was out drinking, I asked her not to drink too much, not to get too drunk and to try stay inside with girls. She said she promised she would do all of these things, And the whole night she was telling me she was sticking by them, Until her friend told me she was lying and actually she had drank Alot, Was very drunk, and was outside at a park.
I got so angry and confronted her about it, and she just bluntly said she was sick of me telling her what to do or not to do, and if I don't change it'll be the end of us. I really don't want us to end:(

Sounds like trust issues stemming from low self-esteem. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) should work wonders for you.

[Robi]

I have the same problem, my girlfirend turns 18 this week and im terrified of her going clubbing etc .. I just guess you have to let other people life there live. :(

[Muct]

i'm just saying but what you've described is really like what just happened in coronation street with that ginger kid and the girl in the wheelchair!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zak]

I have the same problem, my girlfirend turns 18 this week and im terrified of her going clubbing etc .. I just guess you have to let other people life there live. :(

I must say this is when I notice the most change in girls. You'll just have to learn to trust them, my girlfriend gets chatted up all the time. It bothers me, but I trust her in that she wouldn't do anything and our relationship is a lot better that way. Her friends are really down to earth like her, they're really decent people and aren't out to hurt their boyfriends which is even more reassuring. :)