need a bit of advice (+rep)

[beth]

okay so my friend from college got a new girlfriend a couple of months ago, which wasn't really a big deal because she was an alright girl and generally my friend has pretty good taste. so it was all good up until we realised nathan (my friend) was having a few issues with his new girlfriends family. basically she is asian and of a religious background and nathan is just yr bog standard white family, loosely christian values. so they kept their relationship secret to both families, which we knew was hard for nathan but moving on.

over the last few weeks or so we've heard from nathan less and less, he doesn't come out anymore (which we kinda expected, doing the whole relationship thing) and he ignores our calls (less expected) and doesn't seem like himself at all. he turned up to our halloween party on saturday for all of 20 minutes, we managed to get him a bit tipsy and he dropped a bit of a bombshell on us: he's in the process of becoming a jehova's witness so his girlfriends family accept him.

now, i'm all in favour of people making their beds and lying in it. but i just don't understand the logic. he's 21, he's only been with this girl for 2 months and he's doing a BIG thing like this? he hasn't told his parents either and he keeps going to these meetings and has even started spouting the homophobic values of the religion to one of our gay best friends.

what should we do? we don't know whether to get involved and to tell him he needs to think about it harder or let him make his own life? we don't want to see him hurt either way, but this just seems like a massive joke.

please help. xxxxx

[Zuth]

It is a HUGE step to make after being with someone with only 2 months! If I was in this situation I'd just have a quite chat with him alone and tell him what he is actually doing and if he really wants to do it, as its a big commitment to someone when you've been dating them for 2 months.

[geo]

Yeah, I'd try to get him alone and talk to him whilst he's by himself. Tell him what he could be getting himself in for and I'd try telling him the disadvantages of what's happening. It's only been 2 months, so he could be rushing into a little. I wouldn't really try forcing him into a decision because at the end of the day it's his life, I'd just make him understand that things could go wrong. :P

[Catzsy]

I really really feel you should not say anything as obviously he is very infatuated with this girl and it will probably end with him suffering a huge fall or he could be going through some personal crisis. I don't think you should say everything is fine either. You can say you don't understand but as his friend you will be there for him. :)

[chantellehugs]

I have a friend who's been stuck in the 'honeymoon' period with her boyfriend, after many arguments and frustrating chats I came to the decision that she'd snap out of it eventually, whether that's when she comes to her senses or they break up I don't know, but I've told myself to just leave her to it because she'll learn from her own mistakes.

In terms of becoming a Jehovah's witness, perhaps to him religion doesn't mean a whole lot, you mentioned he's doing it so that the family will accept him, if they were to break up do you think he'd still continue to stay devoted? Around my area, non-Muslim girls who fall 'in love' with Muslim guys will convert without a second thought because they know it will make their boyfriends happy, but maybe 10% of them actually act like Muslims and change their ways.

I think you should definitely give it a shot and speak to him about it, but don't be surprised if it appears to fall on deaf ears, apparently love isn't only blind, but also deaf and sometimes senseless :)

[Narnat,]

I think you should maybe just have a casual chat with him and listen to his opinion and then you can express yours. I personally would only get involved if you feel you really need to. Normally if my friends are having a relationship issue I let them carry on with it because you need to learn from your mistakes and it will make you a better judge of character and will let them learn more about what they want and what they don't want from a relationship. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

[Ostinato]

okay so my friend from college got a new girlfriend a couple of months ago, which wasn't really a big deal because she was an alright girl and generally my friend has pretty good taste. so it was all good up until we realised nathan (my friend) was having a few issues with his new girlfriends family. basically she is asian and of a religious background and nathan is just yr bog standard white family, loosely christian values. so they kept their relationship secret to both families, which we knew was hard for nathan but moving on.

over the last few weeks or so we've heard from nathan less and less, he doesn't come out anymore (which we kinda expected, doing the whole relationship thing) and he ignores our calls (less expected) and doesn't seem like himself at all. he turned up to our halloween party on saturday for all of 20 minutes, we managed to get him a bit tipsy and he dropped a bit of a bombshell on us: he's in the process of becoming a jehova's witness so his girlfriends family accept him.

now, i'm all in favour of people making their beds and lying in it. but i just don't understand the logic. he's 21, he's only been with this girl for 2 months and he's doing a BIG thing like this? he hasn't told his parents either and he keeps going to these meetings and has even started spouting the homophobic values of the religion to one of our gay best friends.

what should we do? we don't know whether to get involved and to tell him he needs to think about it harder or let him make his own life? we don't want to see him hurt either way, but this just seems like a massive joke.

please help. xxxxx

As others have already basically said - I think you should try and let him know your concerns lightly whilst still being there as a mate for him if and when things do go pear shaped.

Ultimately if you go in all guns blazing telling him exactly what you think he will resent you for it and will likely be pushed further into it. However, you can't stand by either and see him undermine a big part of his life for a relationship that isn't even public.

Perhaps you could gently bring up your opinions saying you don't quite understand why he is getting so involved directly in his life - as surely if the relationship is so special for him to change so much, it's special enough for him to tell his and her family and if their love is so strong it would survive??

Ultimately though - you need to make sure your there for him as a mate and accept taking a back seat for a little while. He'll eventually realise what he's missing and wil need you one day.

[xdinosaurdaniel]

I think you should let him do his own thing because if he is willing to make that huge of a step then obviously he likes the girl alot and feels like nothing is gonna go wrong or anything. Yes he may get hurt but thats where you come in.

[beth]

It is a HUGE step to make after being with someone with only 2 months! If I was in this situation I'd just have a quite chat with him alone and tell him what he is actually doing and if he really wants to do it, as its a big commitment to someone when you've been dating them for 2 months.

that's our (my group of friends) biggest problem with it all really, it's such a huge step for such a small amount of time.


Yeah, I'd try to get him alone and talk to him whilst he's by himself. Tell him what he could be getting himself in for and I'd try telling him the disadvantages of what's happening. It's only been 2 months, so he could be rushing into a little. I wouldn't really try forcing him into a decision because at the end of the day it's his life, I'd just make him understand that things could go wrong. :P

we don't wanna force him into anything, but we feel like worse friends standing back and doing this behind everyones back when we can just see him running into ****.


I really really feel you should not say anything as obviously he is very infatuated with this girl and it will probably end with him suffering a huge fall or he could be going through some personal crisis. I don't think you should say everything is fine either. You can say you don't understand but as his friend you will be there for him. :)

yeah, i think that's what we're gonna do. if anything we might just step back a bit until he needs us because the way he's treating us at the moment isn't on, especially we hadn't done anything.


I have a friend who's been stuck in the 'honeymoon' period with her boyfriend, after many arguments and frustrating chats I came to the decision that she'd snap out of it eventually, whether that's when she comes to her senses or they break up I don't know, but I've told myself to just leave her to it because she'll learn from her own mistakes.

In terms of becoming a Jehovah's witness, perhaps to him religion doesn't mean a whole lot, you mentioned he's doing it so that the family will accept him, if they were to break up do you think he'd still continue to stay devoted? Around my area, non-Muslim girls who fall 'in love' with Muslim guys will convert without a second thought because they know it will make their boyfriends happy, but maybe 10% of them actually act like Muslims and change their ways.

I think you should definitely give it a shot and speak to him about it, but don't be surprised if it appears to fall on deaf ears, apparently love isn't only blind, but also deaf and sometimes senseless :)

it's not his relationship or the girl we have the issue at all, it's the making such a big life decision after such a short amount of time.


I think you should maybe just have a casual chat with him and listen to his opinion and then you can express yours. I personally would only get involved if you feel you really need to. Normally if my friends are having a relationship issue I let them carry on with it because you need to learn from your mistakes and it will make you a better judge of character and will let them learn more about what they want and what they don't want from a relationship. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

same thing as above really, we don't really care about his relationship or want to break his thing up. we care about his well being and i don't think at all it's a happy decision or a well thought out thing he's doing. thanks for the good luck, think we need it.


As others have already basically said - I think you should try and let him know your concerns lightly whilst still being there as a mate for him if and when things do go pear shaped.

Ultimately if you go in all guns blazing telling him exactly what you think he will resent you for it and will likely be pushed further into it. However, you can't stand by either and see him undermine a big part of his life for a relationship that isn't even public.

Perhaps you could gently bring up your opinions saying you don't quite understand why he is getting so involved directly in his life - as surely if the relationship is so special for him to change so much, it's special enough for him to tell his and her family and if their love is so strong it would survive??

Ultimately though - you need to make sure your there for him as a mate and accept taking a back seat for a little while. He'll eventually realise what he's missing and wil need you one day.

the point is bolded is what i think completely. and 2 months isn't a be all end all relationship. he's saying he's doing it because when they get married (not if they get married, WHEN they get married) it'll be better for him to be accepted. ehhh it's a hard one.


I think you should let him do his own thing because if he is willing to make that huge of a step then obviously he likes the girl alot and feels like nothing is gonna go wrong or anything. Yes he may get hurt but thats where you come in.

yeah i see what yr saying but if i had a boyfriend i was competely infatuated with and say for example he was asking me to idk jump off a cliff, that doesn't make it right. and i'd hope my friends would come in and not just stand back.

[xdinosaurdaniel]

that's our (my group of friends) biggest problem with it all really, it's such a huge step for such a small amount of time.



we don't wanna force him into anything, but we feel like worse friends standing back and doing this behind everyones back when we can just see him running into ****.



yeah, i think that's what we're gonna do. if anything we might just step back a bit until he needs us because the way he's treating us at the moment isn't on, especially we hadn't done anything.



it's not his relationship or the girl we have the issue at all, it's the making such a big life decision after such a short amount of time.



same thing as above really, we don't really care about his relationship or want to break his thing up. we care about his well being and i don't think at all it's a happy decision or a well thought out thing he's doing. thanks for the good luck, think we need it.



the point is bolded is what i think completely. and 2 months isn't a be all end all relationship. he's saying he's doing it because when they get married (not if they get married, WHEN they get married) it'll be better for him to be accepted. ehhh it's a hard one.



yeah i see what yr saying but if i had a boyfriend i was competely infatuated with and say for example he was asking me to idk jump off a cliff, that doesn't make it right. and i'd hope my friends would come in and not just stand back. Well you never said the girl made him or asked him to do it. if she did thats a different story but if hes doing it on his own free will. >.>

[beth]

Well you never said the girl made him or asked him to do it. if she did thats a different story but if hes doing it on his own free will. >.>

well if he wasn't with her, he wouldn't be turning jehova.

[HotelUser]

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of what you could do, but if he's extracted himself so much in such a short-lived relationship maybe it's just a sign that he's just being generally over-ambitious and has gotten caught up in the idea of having a new girlfriend, and with that idea he's putting a lot of faith in his relationship with her. Maybe soon the novelty of his girlfriend and obtaining a new life style will wear off and he'll forget about it, and gradually integrate his and her relationship into his normal everyday life again.

[Hollie]

You could maybe talk to his girlfriend to see what she has to say about it and tell her it could be a bit soon etc. I don't think you should say anything to your friend though, just be there for him.

[Rozi]

beth if I'm honest

do all that talkywalky stuff

and then if that doesn't work make him come round for a cup of tea and spike it and hypnotise him out of being an idiot

[beth]

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of what you could do, but if he's extracted himself so much in such a short-lived relationship maybe it's just a sign that he's just being generally over-ambitious and has gotten caught up in the idea of having a new girlfriend, and with that idea he's putting a lot of faith in his relationship with her. Maybe soon the novelty of his girlfriend and obtaining a new life style will wear off and he'll forget about it, and gradually integrate his and her relationship into his normal everyday life again.

heh i guess the best we can hope for is that he's just in some kind of honeymoon phase.


You could maybe talk to his girlfriend to see what she has to say about it and tell her it could be a bit soon etc. I don't think you should say anything to your friend though, just be there for him.

i don't really know her well enough to speak to her about this. it'd be pretty awkward. they've never really socialised as a couple with us so we know him not her.