Depression

[Conspiracy.]

Just wondering if anyone else here has problems with depression and anxiety? I'm on Anti-Depressants right now (Citalopram, 40mg to be exact) and I feel much better than what I used to :) I used to get awful mood swings. I would be happy as Larry one day (not "manic", just happy) and then crying for no reason the next. I'd also used to get panic attacks now and then. I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in over a year now.

I still get depressed during the winter (I believe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder) but I'm getting a lot better now Spring is coming.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only person here with these issues.

[MKR&*42]

I've had depression realllyyy bad before. For year 8 and 9, I was the most depressing person you could ever meet and I did some "stupid stuff". I never went to a doctor or anything because I was too afraid to "open up" all my feelings to my family or a doctor. I have had occasional mood swings, I had some a few weeks ago and they were absolutely horrific - I had about 9 mood changes in 2 hours ;//

I'm much better now though. I guess life just improved greatly for me - I can get stressed easily though :P - as for panic attacks, I've only ever had 2 in my life... I never get them but they are truly horrible so I can understand how you felt.

[dirrty]

i don't wish to come off as critical/insulting or anything, but when it comes to depression, people are quick to place that label upon themselves. i'm not saying you're not depressed, but a lot of people just use it as an excuse for mood swings, feeling down, etc.

[Jssy]

Yep a bit of both tbh. I was on the contraceptive pill (microgynon 30) since I was 12 and after the first year I started doing bad things and I'd just sit in my room and cry. I was diagnosed with depression from it and put on to a lower dose pill which helped loads and they offered me anti depressants and my mum wouldn't let my dr give me them because of the effects anti depressants can have on people, so I had to just cry it out haha, eventually I felt a lot better and I don't really have those problems any more.

I have a sleeping disorder associated with the rem sleeping pattern - eye movements, and the stages of sleep. My doctor diagnosed me with Sleep Paralysis. I was so glad when I told him because it was a huge relief. Basically what happens often is I will sleep then have a nightmare and wake up and like act out that nightmare or I will wake up but not be able to move at all, except my eyelids, I'm able to look around with my eyes but not move my arms or any of my body, I can't turn my head and I try and scream out but when I do nothing comes out, it just feels like I'm making a squeaking noise to myself. My doctor said that it's rare, but it's not unheard of but it's not common in people either. I was given sleeping tablets and I'm off those now but I still get a bit of anxiety with sleeping. I find it really hard to sleep because I am terrified everytime it happens, so I don't get as much sleep as I should. I believe the tablets helped a lot though because it doesn't happen as much anymore, just around twice a month now.

I wrote a lot there but I really do believe talking to someone experienced does help. I used to talk with other sufferers of my sleeping disorder and I found out that I really am not alone, other peop;e call it the old hag syndrome because it feels like someone is sat on top of your chest.

[Conspiracy.]

i don't wish to come off as critical/insulting or anything, but when it comes to depression, people are quick to place that label upon themselves. i'm not saying you're not depressed, but a lot of people just use it as an excuse for mood swings, feeling down, etc.
Honestly I thought the same for years. I payed no attention to it until I nearly took an OD. I also started drinking a lot to try and numb myself. Honestly, I think Citalopram may have saved my life. I don't know if I could have dealt with it for any longer. It scared me.

[FlyingJesus]

I also found that citalopram helped massively - it's not a long term solution but at the very least it helps you (or at least, helped me) to be in a stable enough state to find other things to help you. I'm pretty sure that without medical intervention I'd never have gone back to college, never have maintained many of my friendships, and would still be having panic attacks for no apparent reason, something which I too have not had in over a year now.

[Conspiracy.]

It actually worries me that I may never get off it :/ I'm too scared I'll sink back into depression. Then again my dad has been on it for nearly 10 bloody years and he seems fine.

[Chippiewill]

I used to have some major anxiety problems then I saw a CBT therapist for a year and then I was fine. No meds apart from sleeping pills.

[Conspiracy.]

I've had therapy too. Didn't seem to work very well. I found my mental health nurse/therapist/whatever the hell she was very patronising -____- grrrr. I'm also genuinely interested in Psychology and CBT myself so I knew what she was going to say before she would say it.

Obviously it may help some people more. It just wasn't my thing.

[Stephen]

im on 100mg sertraline hi

[Jssy]

I saw a psychiatrist for a while but it didn't help either. She always said the same thing over and over.

[dirrty]

Honestly I thought the same for years. I payed no attention to it until I nearly took an OD. I also started drinking a lot to try and numb myself. Honestly, I think Citalopram may have saved my life. I don't know if I could have dealt with it for any longer. It scared me.
i see, well i'm glad that it has all got better for yourself :). just annoys me when some young people claim to suffer from a form of depression, when in reality they really do not. known a few people like that over the years and it's just grating because it's quite reductive in regards to those who do actually have those issues.

[Conspiracy.]

Thanks :) I get what you mean. It annoyed me too until I joined a teen support forum ( I'm actually a moderator there now) I kind of understand why people feel like that now.

[Stephen]

Hate it when people are upset and then think they have depression

like damn my bf broke up with me now im so depressed gonna kill myself brb

and then there's people who really have depression who have completely given up and wish that the reason why they're feeling like **** is because of something small like that

[Conspiracy.]

Eh. What I think is if they do that for attention then they have other issues. It may not be depression but an extreme need for attention for whatever reason. Plus breaking up with someone can trigger depression.

[jasey]

I take psychiatric medication as well!

12mg Clonazepam
2mg Lorazepam
60mg Citalopram
20mg Olanzapine

Mental illness is not an isolated incident. Spread awareness!

[Nemo]

Wahey we're all sad.


Anyway yeah I used to be depressed (as some of you had the joy of seeing), to the point of being suicidal. I don't tend to go into it too much though because even though I still have the same issues, it isn't nearly as bad and there isn't really too much point lingering in the past, paritcularly over something that I can't really learn from as nothing was my fault. Never been on any meds though, I just sort of....got through it I guess.

[Stephen]

I take psychiatric medication as well!

12mg Clonazepam
2mg Lorazepam
60mg Citalopram
20mg Olanzapine

Mental illness is not an isolated incident. Spread awareness!

why you on an antipsychotic?

[jasey]

why you on an antipsychotic?

As long as you won't judge, I'm schizophrenic. It's not something I'm ashamed of but people tend to have negative reactions to it.

[-:Undertaker:-]

i don't wish to come off as critical/insulting or anything, but when it comes to depression, people are quick to place that label upon themselves. i'm not saying you're not depressed, but a lot of people just use it as an excuse for mood swings, feeling down, etc.

Indeed, many now find that swallowing tablets everyday will solve the problems in their life.

In the same way that we feed everyone these drugs for depression, the same can be said for 'ADHD'.

[buttons]

i don't wish to come off as critical/insulting or anything, but when it comes to depression, people are quick to place that label upon themselves. i'm not saying you're not depressed, but a lot of people just use it as an excuse for mood swings, feeling down, etc.
i completely agree and i hate the label of any mental illness. everything with mental illness is seen as being negative when it isn't always. some people do amazing things with their depression, or with their schizoid mind lol. mental illness, even depression in general, is so broad that people are going to fit in to some sort of 'abnormal' illness. no-one fits the 'normal, functioning person' imo :/

As long as you won't judge, I'm schizophrenic. It's not something I'm ashamed of but people tend to have negative reactions to it.
yeah. people seem to think schizophrenic's are psychopaths. they're not. schizophrenic's i can handle because they aren't out to harm and if they do it isn't because they want to. psychopaths are aware of their thoughts and and if they do harm they don't feel bad about it. i'm fairly sure my brother is the latter...


am gonna put mine in spoiler so u dont have to read if u dont want to
i always denied i was depressed because i didn't really understand what it meant, i thought of it as being in bed all day for weeks not wanting to get out. i can get out but most days i dream of staying in bed forever, not seeing anyone, not having to work towards anything life cause i don't see the point or a future. i was diagnosed with BDD when i was 15, it isn't as strong as it used to be and i had group therapy for it which is completely ridiculous considering most people there had social anxiety and panic attacks l m a o. i went for the juice and biscuits. it helped for a little while but i always had this little niggling voice at the back of my head that i didn't deserve to be happy and that i CANT be happy. i still get that, it's hard to be happy when you won't let yourself.

as for drugs, i won't ever take them. 'psychiatry means healing the soul, not medicating the brain'. i will never rely on it, it only treats the symptoms. if it's the only thing that allows someone to function normally then that's fine but i can't see it suddenly changing me in to a different person. i have no trust in anything so i'm sure as hell not gonna trust a bunch of drugs. the only way i see myself getting better is if i was reborn (preferably in to another time period) or hypnotised to completely forget my childhood and current thought process. i don't think ill ever see another therapist for the rest of my life, if i do it'll probably be when i'm a lot older. i reckon i'll have to go through years of it or i'll have to get family involved and that's just not going to happen.

my family motto is essentially to deal with stuff alone and don't make your problems known so my family aren't very open people which makes it difficult to get answers or talk about how you feel. i can handle my depression, i think. never really known how to deal with it. alcohol and ice cream are my therapies. depression is like my normal state of mind and i still function adequately on the outer but inside is different.


it amazes me how much teenagers are depressed. especially the people i've met on the internet, wow. i wonder if there's a correlation... i don't see it as weak or pathetic. it's easy for me to think of suicide or how worthless life is but when i see someone else say it i really can't handle it cause i don't think any life is worthless. except mine. depression is so dumb i wish there wasn't any, not long-term anyway. i don't see it as attention seeking either, it's easy to get lost in the moment and i honestly hope those people look back at their 'depression' as being a phase. i will always take depression/suicidal thoughts seriously because you just never know, you can say "you're not depressed" - it doesn't matter what you are, if you're feeling sad or worthless then you don't need to be brought down even more by people telling you you're an attention seeker. it makes me sad the way people treat each other. i'm pretty sure i will never get over my depression, like i say my thought process is complicated... it's hard to change the past and it's hard to change how i feel about it. i'm ashamed of being depressed which makes it even worse, it's an on-going cycle. feel worthless > depression > feeling more worthless. i dont mind talking about it, i'm very open about a lot of things in life but i won't let anyone help me.

i think i could be happy if i moved away from this hell hole and create my own life. it's one thing that does keep me going in education, motivation etc... but sometimes i have relapses.

[jasey]

i completely agree and i hate the label of any mental illness. everything with mental illness is seen as being negative when it isn't always. some people do amazing things with their depression, or with their schizoid mind lol. mental illness, even depression in general, is so broad that people are going to fit in to some sort of 'abnormal' illness. no-one fits the 'normal, functioning person' imo :/

yeah. people seem to think schizophrenic's are psychopaths. they're not. schizophrenic's i can handle because they aren't out to harm and if they do it isn't because they want to. psychopaths are aware of their thoughts and and if they do harm they don't feel bad about it. i'm fairly sure my brother is the latter...


am gonna put mine in spoiler so u dont have to read if u dont want to
i always denied i was depressed because i didn't really understand what it meant, i thought of it as being in bed all day for weeks not wanting to get out. i can get out but most days i dream of staying in bed forever, not seeing anyone, not having to work towards anything life cause i don't see the point or a future. i was diagnosed with BDD when i was 15, it isn't as strong as it used to be and i had group therapy for it which is completely ridiculous considering most people there had social anxiety and panic attacks l m a o. i went for the juice and biscuits. it helped for a little while but i always had this little niggling voice at the back of my head that i didn't deserve to be happy and that i CANT be happy. i still get that, it's hard to be happy when you won't let yourself.

as for drugs, i won't ever take them. 'psychiatry means healing the soul, not medicating the brain'. i will never rely on it, it only treats the symptoms. if it's the only thing that allows someone to function normally then that's fine but i can't see it suddenly changing me in to a different person. i have no trust in anything so i'm sure as hell not gonna trust a bunch of drugs. the only way i see myself getting better is if i was reborn (preferably in to another time period) or hypnotised to completely forget my childhood and current thought process. i don't think ill ever see another therapist for the rest of my life, if i do it'll probably be when i'm a lot older. i reckon i'll have to go through years of it or i'll have to get family involved and that's just not going to happen.

my family motto is essentially to deal with stuff alone and don't make your problems known so my family aren't very open people which makes it difficult to get answers or talk about how you feel. i can handle my depression, i think. never really known how to deal with it. alcohol and ice cream are my therapies. depression is like my normal state of mind and i still function adequately on the outer but inside is different.


it amazes me how much teenagers are depressed. especially the people i've met on the internet, wow. i wonder if there's a correlation... i don't see it as weak or pathetic. it's easy for me to think of suicide or how worthless life is but when i see someone else say it i really can't handle it cause i don't think any life is worthless. except mine. depression is so dumb i wish there wasn't any, not long-term anyway. i don't see it as attention seeking either, it's easy to get lost in the moment and i honestly hope those people look back at their 'depression' as being a phase. i will always take depression/suicidal thoughts seriously because you just never know, you can say "you're not depressed" - it doesn't matter what you are, if you're feeling sad or worthless then you don't need to be brought down even more by people telling you you're an attention seeker. it makes me sad the way people treat each other. i'm pretty sure i will never get over my depression, like i say my thought process is complicated... it's hard to change the past and it's hard to change how i feel about it. i'm ashamed of being depressed which makes it even worse, it's an on-going cycle. feel worthless > depression > feeling more worthless. i dont mind talking about it, i'm very open about a lot of things in life but i won't let anyone help me.

i think i could be happy if i moved away from this hell hole and create my own life. it's one thing that does keep me going in education, motivation etc... but sometimes i have relapses.

Wow! It was really inspiring to read your story. I am especially interested in the quote you put about medication. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in taking medication but I've been on tablets for so many years now that I would actually need to go to a detoxification facility for a while to get off the tablets. I have been to group therapy too and I think it's usually very unproductive. If it works for some people then great for them but, honestly, I always felt exactly like you did in those situations. Anyways, thank you so much for sharing that. It made me feel like I'm not alone and that others are going through the same kinds of things that I am. I also want to thank you for understanding schizophrenia. You are a good person.

[Stephen]

Of course you made the right choice in taking medication if you're schizophrenic

and anyway if I was on benzos for years I wouldn't even think about trying to wean off them

[Shar]

I've been trying to deal with depression for about 9 years now..its something that never leaves me but something that I can deal with, although that's easier said then done. I think the ultimate cause of my depression was being bullied and being abused over the years. Even when that period of my life went passed I never truly could over come it. It really affected my performance academically at school and I became very antisocial and afraid to get close to anyone, this ultimately made everything worse and I kept feeling more down and more suicidal and kept having thoughts about death. It kept getting worse and there were times I never used to want to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was sleep..I also suffered from insomnia and I'd stay up all night thinking which didn't help at all. It eventually got worse when I there was a death of someone very close to me which basically crushed me and I couldn't deal with it any longer. I was then forced to see a counselor every week for about 2 years. I kinda left that stage of my life behind when I got really annoyed with myself for feeling so ******* useless. I tried doing better academically, tried being more sociable and tried getting more confident.

Although there are times when I think that I'm a waste of space and that I'll never really make a difference in this world or that anything I do is useless, there has been times where I've been happy and where I've really tried to push negatives thoughts out of my head.
It hasn't been easy and all and there are times when I have relapses and I end up in a dark place again but I never stop trying. /rant


It may be surprising for some but there are many people my age and younger who go through depression and you shouldn't be ashamed if you're one of those people, its surprisingly common.

[jasey]

Of course you made the right choice in taking medication if you're schizophrenic

and anyway if I was on benzos for years I wouldn't even think about trying to wean off them

Yeah, but my dosage of benzodiazepines is unusually high. Clonazepam is on par with alprazolam being the two strongest benzos you will get a prescription for. I believe the maximum dose for psychiatric illness on clonazepam is 4mg and my psychiatrist, over the years, has bumped me up to 12mg. I think he is a really bad person for doing this to me because he has made me dependent and a slave to the dosage. I don't believe he knows what he was doing. I have searched the internet for help regarding this and I can't find anyone who has experience with this dosage for so long. It scares me. I was so silly to accept the tablets.

[Shar]

Yeah, but my dosage of benzodiazepines is unusually high. Clonazepam is on par with alprazolam being the two strongest benzos you will get a prescription for. I believe the maximum dose for psychiatric illness on clonazepam is 4mg and my psychiatrist, over the years, has bumped me up to 12mg. I think he is a really bad person for doing this to me because he has made me dependent and a slave to the dosage. I don't believe he knows what he was doing. I have searched the internet for help regarding this and I can't find anyone who has experience with this dosage for so long. It scares me. I was so silly to accept the tablets.
Is it possible to talk to a doctor about this or something?

[jasey]

I've been trying to deal with depression for about 9 years now..its something that never leaves me but something that I can deal with, although that's easier said then done. I think the ultimate cause of my depression was being bullied and being abused over the years. Even when that period of my life went passed I never truly could over come it. It really affected my performance academically at school and I became very antisocial and afraid to get close to anyone, this ultimately made everything worse and I kept feeling more down and more suicidal and kept having thoughts about death. It kept getting worse and there were times I never used to want to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was sleep..I also suffered from insomnia and I'd stay up all night thinking which didn't help at all. It eventually got worse when I there was a death of someone very close to me which basically crushed me and I couldn't deal with it any longer. I was then forced to see a counselor every week for about 2 years. I kinda left that stage of my life behind when I got really annoyed with myself for feeling so ******* useless. I tried doing better academically, tried being more sociable and tried getting more confident.

Although there are times when I think that I'm a waste of space and that I'll never really make a difference in this world or that anything I do is useless, there has been times where I've been happy and where I've really tried to push negatives thoughts out of my head.
It hasn't been easy and all and there are times when I have relapses and I end up in a dark place again but I never stop trying. /rant


It may be surprising for some but there are many people my age and younger who go through depression and you shouldn't be ashamed if you're one of those people, its surprisingly common.

That is so moving. To hear all of the awful places you have been in your mind and how you have mostly moved past it is so good to hear. I know it is probably trite of me to say but please continue to push the negative away as much as you can. You're a wonderful person.


Is it possible to talk to a doctor about this or something?

I am going to be moving for a year and a half to Québec City which is in North America in just over a week so once I get there I am considering seeking out a detox program. I am just not sure how medical stuff works when I am not a citizen of the country and just there for work. I have only really been interested and brave enough to think about getting off the tablets for a few months so I haven't taken any action yet. It's terrifying, honestly. Benzo withdrawal is one of the few types of comedowns that can kill you. It's worse than heroin if I understand correctly. This thread, though, has made me want to talk to a medical person even more.

[Stephen]

But are you sure you want to come off them? Are they helping you at all or

[jasey]

Well, the benzodiazepines are specifically for anxiety. Some research I've done even suggests that benzodiazepine class medications can aggravate and encourage schizophrenic tendencies. They helped at the beginning but you get tolerant very quickly and in all truth they are only meant to be taken for a few weeks or a month at maximum. I have a period of two or three years in my life where I can't remember much because of the haze the benzodiazepines put on your brain. It is a lot of lost memories and that kind of makes me sad. It happened to coincide with what I consider the best relationship of my life and it breaks my heart now to know that I lost out on keeping memories from that because of the tablets.

[Shar]

That is so moving. To hear all of the awful places you have been in your mind and how you have mostly moved past it is so good to hear. I know it is probably trite of me to say but please continue to push the negative away as much as you can. You're a wonderful person.



I am going to be moving for a year and a half to Québec City which is in North America in just over a week so once I get there I am considering seeking out a detox program. I am just not sure how medical stuff works when I am not a citizen of the country and just there for work. I have only really been interested and brave enough to think about getting off the tablets for a few months so I haven't taken any action yet. It's terrifying, honestly. Benzo withdrawal is one of the few types of comedowns that can kill you. It's worse than heroin if I understand correctly. This thread, though, has made me want to talk to a medical person even more.
The way you're dealing your condition is truly inspirational and I rate you for that. I hope everything works out for you because you sound like a really lovely person.

[Rozi]

[@]@buttons[/@] , I think the point about correlations is an interesting one. I think there isdefinitelya stronger concentration of people who appear to suffer from a range of mental health issues, ranging from minor ones to major ones. Maybe it's the anonymity or the fact people seem more accepting and open about their issues online, or people with 'depressivetenancies' find the internet to be a supportive base.


But anyway, I wouldn'tnecessarilysay that I amdepressed, but I haveintenselydepressive episodes which can range from like 2 days to 3 months. I also have fairly euphoric periods too (not like manically euphoric i.e. bipolar), but I've found the euphoria either falls just after a long depressed episode or right before a bad one. I think for a long time I was pretty in denial about my depressive tendancies, because I felt guilty for feeling like this, letting it effect my life and guilty for causing pain to my loved ones. I have a deep mistrust of those in the medical profession, which in my eyes is pretty financially driven. I did go and see a therapist for a while when I was like 12/13 as a reaction to me not going to school, but it waswhollyuseless - she didn't listen, was completely patronising and incredibly stupid. I think I've sort of created coping methods now but still it's impossible to remember to use these coping methods unless you catch it at the start of a down-swing. I've learnt to live with it and recognised that it's something I might be lumbered with for life.

[Conspiracy.]

Wow. I'm really inspired by each of you :) <3333 Stay strong everyone <33333333

[Stephen]

Well, the benzodiazepines are specifically for anxiety. Some research I've done even suggests that benzodiazepine class medications can aggravate and encourage schizophrenic tendencies. They helped at the beginning but you get tolerant very quickly and in all truth they are only meant to be taken for a few weeks or a month at maximum. I have a period of two or three years in my life where I can't remember much because of the haze the benzodiazepines put on your brain. It is a lot of lost memories and that kind of makes me sad. It happened to coincide with what I consider the best relationship of my life and it breaks my heart now to know that I lost out on keeping memories from that because of the tablets.

yeah I understand what you mean, it's like remembering a dream. I haven't taken benzos before but I've tried etizolam which is a thienobenzodiazepine. Was trying to use it to help me sleep for a few weeks but then I started using them recreationally and last month I ended up taking 15x the recommended dose, blacking out and waking up almost 24 hours later with my bedroom completely trashed. Glad I wasn't near a door or I might have started staggering around the street naked wth my boxers on my head pissing on all the cars or something

[Empired]

I had depression year 7 - 9.. It all kicked off when I spent 18 weeks in hospital because of a stomach ulcer that was wrongly diagnosed (the doctors diagnosed it as anorexia and put me on some weirdo drugs that sent me mildly insane). Nobody noticed my stomach ulcer until I collapsed and was taken in to hospital after 3 weeks :(

It was the drugs that depressed me though, and the hospital, aha. I can hardly remember year 7 at all thanks to being so heavily drugged all the time!

[jasey]

yeah I understand what you mean, it's like remembering a dream. I haven't taken benzos before but I've tried etizolam which is a thienobenzodiazepine. Was trying to use it to help me sleep for a few weeks but then I started using them recreationally and last month I ended up taking 15x the recommended dose, blacking out and waking up almost 24 hours later with my bedroom completely trashed. Glad I wasn't near a door or I might have started staggering around the street naked wth my boxers on my head pissing on all the cars or something

Gah, you poor thing! I am so sorry you had to go through that, Stephen. Be careful, please. We care about you.

[Stephen]

Lol I would have thought I'd have been careful seeing as I was rushed to hospital 2 days before that from another overdose. I'm trying to stay away from any kinds of drugs now (except this sertraline im on) so I'll see how long that lasts. Really don't know what's wrong with me I just like to play russian roullete for some reason then last month I hit the bullet

[beth]

probably gonna bang my stuff in a spoiler too so you don't have to read it.



always overthought everything, parents relationship was volatile, daddy was alcoholic, my mom is a manic depressive (so i'm pretty sure i get traits from her) in my immediate family there have been 6 suicides and i dunno. i feel like a lot of my angst is inherited which sucks.

from the age of about 9 i couldn't sleep and would sit up crying without knowing why i was sad or what made me this way, this kinda got into school as i grew older. had a massively exaggeratedly confident front with people i know and on stage but couldn't deal in social situations, hated any kind of authority and cut myself, massively (lolgreat).

overdosed at 13. was very very sick, spent a long time in hospital and lied to get out and be back with my friends. lied to the child psychatrist at the hospital, had counselling sessions arranged. i purposely missed them or lied to the woman and told her everything was fine, that i loved life and i just wanted to be with my friends.

15/16/17 were hard. but it became my little secret, and i used it to further myself in acting and drama. got kicked out of sixth form, had an abortion, was made homeless and again overdosed. this time it wasn't as big a deal as i was older and after 2 nights in hospital i was released with a psych assessment and came home and lived in hell for the next six months.

summer 2008 was the hardest time of my life, every waking moment i wondered how i could somehow get away from what my life was. i starved myself, i cut myself, i stopped talking, i stole money from my parents, i slept around because i couldn't cope with being alone with myself and my mom found a blog entry on livejournal (lol luv livejournal) and she took me to the doctors who diagnosed me as a manic depressive with general anxiety disorder and very mild bipolar disorder and put me on paroxetine. i felt so much better, i got into college and i got into a healthy relationship and worked hard. i felt my mind changing and i was happier for it and then i went back to see another doctor, who took me off the pill because off the hype surrounding it and put me on prozac. and i felt like it was over.

i had counselling for a bit after but i didn't feel safe anymore and it was horrible and nothing's changed now.

sometimes i hate living, i'm scared of other people, i'm an actor losing my confidence more with everyday. i hate people with a venom that i can't explain. i fear going to the doctor just to go back in a circle i feel i've been in since i was 11. sleeping pattern is all over the place, i'm obsessed with calories and exercise at the moment, i just yeah.

so yeah, depression is great. i love it.