Dilemma involving gift giving.

[Charz777]

Now, before I start, I don't want this to come across as mean, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just want to know what other people would do in the situation.

So, Aiden and I became guide-parents (like god-parents without the religion) to his cousin's twins when they were born. I'm always quite generous as I consider myself to be a people pleaser and it very difficult not to spoil these kids because they are just so darn cute!

Anyways, amongst baby showers, naming ceremonies and Christmas we've bought them quite a few bits and bobs. Mainly clothes and toys, and when it comes to things for babies, I've always been a bit cautious and won't buy anything cheap, so I always end up spending quite a lot.

Anyways, of all the things I've bought I've only seen them wear one outfit (and their mum is the sort of person who tags people in photos of her babies wearing the clothes or playing with the toys someone bought for them) which makes me think they just got chucked in a closet somewhere.

Then today she posts on Facebook 'For Sale £1 each' and the toys I got for Christmas (so less than four months ago) are in the picture, they look unused. So, not only am I slightly annoyed that she hasn't even let her kids use them, but she's selling them for a VERY small fraction of the price in new condition. She doesn't even seem bothered that I can see that she's selling the gifts I just bought.

And some of you are probably thinking that maybe she doesn't like what I buy. But all of the clothes have been very generic and similar to what she always dresses them in, or even stuff she's asked me to buy. Any other surprises I always think are very tasteful and honestly quite beautiful bits.

So, my dilemma is;

Do I bother getting anything for their 1st birthday (next week)? We are guide-parents and so I think it's expected of us. Also, it's not exactly the fault of almost-one-year-olds that they aren't given the gifts we buy and I would like to get them gifts even if it's just to put the thought in for them. Also, I'd still like to please their mum even if I am somewhat annoyed.

If I do get something then chances are it will just go unused, even if I ask her what she'd like. And then she'd probably just sell it. Then we'll be left feeling unappreciated. (Bearing in mind we also babysit and whatnot to help out and never ask anything in return, we do it just to be helpful and to spend time with the kids. ) Also, money is tight at the moment and I don't really want to waste money if the gifts won't ever be used.

But if we don't get something. There will be lots of ********** (especially horrible things being said behind our backs). We'll probably be judged for not being 'good' guide-parents. And again we'll be feeling generally **** about it all.

So, really I'm not sure what to do.

Would you get something just to save face even though it's a waste and unappreciated. Or would you not bother because, well, why should you? :/

Any thoughts/advice is appreciated :)

[Cerys]

Yeah I'd definitely get something, but nothing big and expensive. It's not worth the trouble so you might as well.
If she's selling your stuff for £1 each then go to the pound store and get something from there ;)

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[Martin]

Wow, that's pretty hurtful to see them posted for sale after it sounds like you've put so much thought and money into them! :(


Personally I would probably still get them something, but not anything overly expensive, they are only 1 after all so they probably won't mind! :P Perhaps something fun that will definitely be used or given to the twins.

I would probably still get something though as like you said it could come across as bad if you didn't and it isn't the twins fault afterall its the parents! :P

[Charz777]

Yeah I'd definitely get something, but nothing big and expensive. It's not worth the trouble so you might as well.
If she's selling your stuff for £1 each then go to the pound store and get something from there ;)

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I was thinking it's not worth the trouble it will cause between us.

[Red]

Err what type of person puts up an ad selling the gifts people bought them when they will see it :S If it was me, I wouldn't bother and would have to say something about it.

[Absently]

you could always goto a charity shop and just wash the clothes? altho a lot of stuff from there can be brand new. as well you won't mind half as much cus you know you didn't pay THAT much for good brands

edit; also u could just tell her straight out and tell her u find it quite offensive cus it's bloody rude as

[Samantha]

I was going to suggest giving them money, you know if their parent's have set up a savings account or something in their name. However, with the way you've said it (I don't think you sound mean at all by the way), there's a possibility the parents might not exactly use it for the children, if that makes sense?

It will be seen as ungrateful if you don't but anything, but in the same way they're being ungrateful to an extent too and it feels like you're underappreciated especially when you go to such time, effort and money to buy the gifts. To stay safe I would say get money, not spent too much on them, or what if you buy something they can't really refuse to use? Formula, nappies etc?

[Charz777]

Err what type of person puts up an ad selling the gifts people bought them when they will see it :S If it was me, I wouldn't bother and would have to say something about it.

Oh, I couldn't be confrontational about it :P I'm no good with that if it's someone I'll see often.

I was really annoyed/hurt more at the thoughtlessness of putting the ad on Facebook where I could see more so than her actually selling the things I'd bought. I don't think she did it to hurt me, we've never had problems (I'm too quiet for that!) but she clearly didn't care to think about what she was doing.

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I was going to suggest giving them money, you know if their parent's have set up a savings account or something in their name. However, with the way you've said it (I don't think you sound mean at all by the way), there's a possibility the parents might not exactly use it for the children, if that makes sense?

It will be seen as ungrateful if you don't but anything, but in the same way they're being ungrateful to an extent too and it feels like you're underappreciated especially when you go to such time, effort and money to buy the gifts. To stay safe I would say get money, or what if you buy something they can't really refuse to use? Formula, nappies etc?

That's the problem with giving money, while she is nice to me in person, and a good mum, she strikes me as the sort who would spend it on herself. She always puts on Facebook about classes or concerts she is saving up for and how she needs the money. I wonder if a gift voucher is a good way to go.

[Red]

Oh, I couldn't be confrontational about it :P I'm no good with that if it's someone I'll see often.

I was really annoyed/hurt more at the thoughtlessness of putting the add on Facebook where I could see more so than her actually selling the things I'd bought. I don't think she did it to hurt me, we've never had problems (I'm too quiet for that!) but she clearly didn't care to think about what she was doing.

It's just bizarre if you have never seen them play with the toys/wear the clothes. Personally I would raise the issue because if not, it would probably just continue and you would stay annoyed and upset.

[Charz777]

It's just bizarre if you have never seen them play with the toys/wear the clothes. Personally I would raise the issue because if not, it would probably just continue and you would stay annoyed and upset.

You're very right. And deep down I really want to say something. But she's a such stronger character than me and I think I'd get shot down. Also, it's not my family, it's Aiden's (my SO) and I don't want to get in their bad books because they really stick together in that family. Even if you are 100% friendly with any of them, if one of them is upset, you get outcast by them all because they insist on sticking together even if they don't agree with each other :P

[Mr-Trainor]

As it's only their 1st birthday I'd definitely still buy them something if I was you. It's a shame that they're treating you like this though :(, I really wouldn't be happy at all! If you buy toys you could save them until you're babysitting and let them play with them then, so at least you know they're getting used.

[Calum0812]

I'll post a proper reply tomorrow but maybe buy some of the toys off her and then wrap them up and give it back?
You have every right to be a little ticked of about it because it is really rude and horrible - especially in plain view of you... :/

[Kyle]

You need to realise that young infants grow out of clothes extremely quickly and if a toy isn't their all time favourite to play with then they likely aren't going to play with it more than a few times before moving onto something that engages their imagination in a different way. I don't think that the parents considered that people would be mad that their gifts were being resold cheaply as it seems that they are just trying to allow other parents a chance to spoil their own kids with stuff that would otherwise gather dust.

Don't take it to heart. She isn't doing it to spite you. Affection and quality time with the children is a much better gift than any toy. If money is tight then explain to them and they will understand. Buy a small toy if you feel guilty about not buying anything and if you want these kids to play with toys that you buy for them then buy them and keep them in your own home to allow them to play with them whenever they visit. Once they grow out of them then at least you can save them for when you eventually have children. :)

[Charz777]

I'll post a proper reply tomorrow but maybe buy some of the toys off her and then wrap them up and give it back?
You have every right to be a little ticked of about it because it is really rude and horrible - especially in plain view of you... :/

This is what I thought.

I can't +rep you yet so remind me in a few days! :P

[Yawn]

disgusting, i'd be tempted to not get them anything and maybe let it known that u have seen and that u are unimpressed

but i dont think that is worth it and is bad advice. u should take the highground, buy them something inexpensive and be done with it

[Charz777]

You need to realise that young infants grow out of clothes extremely quickly and if a toy isn't their all time favourite to play with then they likely aren't going to play with it more than a few times before moving onto something that engages their imagination in a different way. I don't think that the parents considered that people would be mad that their gifts were being resold cheaply as it seems that they are just trying to allow other parents a chance to spoil their own kids with stuff that would otherwise gather dust.

Don't take it to heart. She isn't doing it to spite you. Affection and quality time with the children is a much better gift than any toy. If money is tight then explain to them and they will understand. Buy a small toy if you feel guilty about not buying anything and if you want these kids to play with toys that you buy for them then buy them and keep them in your own home to allow them to play with them whenever they visit. Once they grow out of them then at least you can save them for when you eventually have children. :)

This is why I always buy clothes that they grow into, or that she asked for herself, but as I said I've only seen them dressed in one outfit and that's because she tagged me in a photo on Facebook. As for the toys it wasn't just that they didn't like them. They hadn't been used. It was clear from the image the children hadn't touched them :/

I don't want to sound mean about her because we've always got on and she is like my own family now. It just hurt that she was so inconsiderate.

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disgusting, i'd be tempted to not get them anything and maybe let it known that u have seen and that u are unimpressed

but i dont think that is worth it and is bad advice. u should take the highground, buy them something inexpensive and be done with it

I have decided to definitely get something. I want to and it's important to me to get them something. Struggling at the moment to decide what is a good idea to buy :P

[Alkaz]

I hate it when people do that, shows no appreciation or consideration. Set up a savings account for them and instead of buying them stuff put money into the account for them and when they're 17 or 18 you can give it to them as a big present that they will no doubt appreciate more as a young adult than any toy or item of clothing as a young child.

[FlyingJesus]

Get a present for just one of the kids and openly declare them as your favourite. I was thinking I'd come up with a reason why that's a good idea while it was being written but that never happened, should still do it though just for laughs

[-Moniquee.]

I would still get them something because you don't want to not get them something and it cause a larger problem. Don't spend a lot of money though, just buy something cheaper.

[Sharon]

could do a gift card to like mamas & papas or next etc so she would have to spend it on something for tjem

sounds pretty horrible tbh i would be fuming in ur position

[Glen Coco]

Just get them toys for when they come to yours if shes gonna be like that. I wouldn't trust her with gifts and why should you give her anything if she's just going to sell it?
If she asks just say the presents are at yours for when you babysit so they have something to play with

[Liva]

That would annoy me too. :/ I was gonna say, buy them back off her. :P I'd love to post a snarky comment like 'oh, weren't they good enough?' Or 'if you didn't like them, I would've returned them and got something else..'

But yeah, if it was me and I really had to get something, I'd get something she can't spend on herself like a gift card or whatever to a baby/child shop. :)


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[-:Undertaker:-]

Just be honest and say well you sold the toys we bought at Christmas so........... She won't have a leg to stand on.