CursedHeart
28-09-2005, 02:55 PM
I stumbled along through the grey. A blanket of fog had settled over Bridport but I was happy. I swung my arm and my red lunch box was the only blur of colour to be seen. I stepped in a puddle by accident. Urgh, the cold went right through me. I took off my shoes and socks and ran the rest of the way home.
We live in a bungalow... the five of us, my mummy, my daddy, me, my sister jemma (shes older and ginger) and my sister laura (shes older too but very sick)
Laura went to a special school.. because she was so poorly.. with a hole in her heart, her intestines upside down.. down syndrome.. so many different problems the doctors couldnt work out which symptoms came from where...
At 3.30 the mountjoy bus arrived, it came everyday at the same time and i waited on the doorstep for it.. lauras wheelchair was lowered from the bus to the ground, last kid to get off so Lynn the driver and class room assistant came in to talk to mum. I heard bits of their conversation about how laura had been grumpy at school that day. I went to her, it had stopped raining, I stroked her head once and kissed her soft smooth pale cheek. She smiled her toothless smile in my direction and i pushed her chair into the house. At seven years old you might expect me to go outside and play with my friends, but above being that I was lauras sister and I didnt go anywhere but school without her. We were connected by soul and heart.
But that day she looked at me with her watery brown ocean eyes and I felt sad.
Later that night Daddy and Jemma went to see a musical caleld Finnighan's Rainbow.. Jemma was always Daddys favourite but I had Laura so I didnt care. Usually mummy would let me crayon while she watched Eastenders then go to bed.. but the minute the door shut Laura began to cry and I was sent to bed.
I didnt sleep though I just listened. It was a primal cry, the twisted coul wrenching cry of pure unabashed pain. Mummy called me out of bed ''yes mummy?'' fetch me some towels.. so i did. Then returned to bed, looking around the room Laura and I shared.. her plasticy sheets that made a noise when you pressed them.. the books on the floor.. laura and i used to throw books at each other at night.. of course she didnt understand books hurt and threw hardback ones whereas i only threw soft ones... she was in the living room of our disabled family bungalow.. screaming.. and my blood was running cold.
At ten oclock I had dozed for half an hour when mum called me from the living room. Be a good girl for me. I nodded 'yes mummy' hold laura while i call the ambulance ok? 'yes mummy'. I got up onto the sofa and held her in my arms as she wept, I was afraid.
The ambulance came, a whirr of red and blue outside our cul-de-sac... I ran outside 'please sir, its my sister, i dont think shes very well'
In the ambulance I gazed out the window.. it was black and it was raining again, spots on the window distorted the headlights behind us and the traffic lights we went through.. I tried not to look at my sister..
We knew the hospital well, all the nurses and doctors.. Laura being so sick and myself an acute asthmatic.. Jemma and Dad arrived and we waited in the day room... I fell asleep on a tall white and brown rocking horse...
My mother came in looking stern and spoke so softly I could barely hear her. Dave would you like to be with her when... no. Jemma would you.. no. And she went out.. I found out years later she thought I was too young to ask. I didnt understand...
The nurse brought us three prestine white beds to sleep on... but at that moment mum returned and said we could go home now... ''but i wanted to sleep on the beds''
Months after that are missing from my memory. The night my sister, and more than half of myself, died at the ages of 9 (Laura May) and 7 (Kathryn Mary)
We live in a bungalow... the five of us, my mummy, my daddy, me, my sister jemma (shes older and ginger) and my sister laura (shes older too but very sick)
Laura went to a special school.. because she was so poorly.. with a hole in her heart, her intestines upside down.. down syndrome.. so many different problems the doctors couldnt work out which symptoms came from where...
At 3.30 the mountjoy bus arrived, it came everyday at the same time and i waited on the doorstep for it.. lauras wheelchair was lowered from the bus to the ground, last kid to get off so Lynn the driver and class room assistant came in to talk to mum. I heard bits of their conversation about how laura had been grumpy at school that day. I went to her, it had stopped raining, I stroked her head once and kissed her soft smooth pale cheek. She smiled her toothless smile in my direction and i pushed her chair into the house. At seven years old you might expect me to go outside and play with my friends, but above being that I was lauras sister and I didnt go anywhere but school without her. We were connected by soul and heart.
But that day she looked at me with her watery brown ocean eyes and I felt sad.
Later that night Daddy and Jemma went to see a musical caleld Finnighan's Rainbow.. Jemma was always Daddys favourite but I had Laura so I didnt care. Usually mummy would let me crayon while she watched Eastenders then go to bed.. but the minute the door shut Laura began to cry and I was sent to bed.
I didnt sleep though I just listened. It was a primal cry, the twisted coul wrenching cry of pure unabashed pain. Mummy called me out of bed ''yes mummy?'' fetch me some towels.. so i did. Then returned to bed, looking around the room Laura and I shared.. her plasticy sheets that made a noise when you pressed them.. the books on the floor.. laura and i used to throw books at each other at night.. of course she didnt understand books hurt and threw hardback ones whereas i only threw soft ones... she was in the living room of our disabled family bungalow.. screaming.. and my blood was running cold.
At ten oclock I had dozed for half an hour when mum called me from the living room. Be a good girl for me. I nodded 'yes mummy' hold laura while i call the ambulance ok? 'yes mummy'. I got up onto the sofa and held her in my arms as she wept, I was afraid.
The ambulance came, a whirr of red and blue outside our cul-de-sac... I ran outside 'please sir, its my sister, i dont think shes very well'
In the ambulance I gazed out the window.. it was black and it was raining again, spots on the window distorted the headlights behind us and the traffic lights we went through.. I tried not to look at my sister..
We knew the hospital well, all the nurses and doctors.. Laura being so sick and myself an acute asthmatic.. Jemma and Dad arrived and we waited in the day room... I fell asleep on a tall white and brown rocking horse...
My mother came in looking stern and spoke so softly I could barely hear her. Dave would you like to be with her when... no. Jemma would you.. no. And she went out.. I found out years later she thought I was too young to ask. I didnt understand...
The nurse brought us three prestine white beds to sleep on... but at that moment mum returned and said we could go home now... ''but i wanted to sleep on the beds''
Months after that are missing from my memory. The night my sister, and more than half of myself, died at the ages of 9 (Laura May) and 7 (Kathryn Mary)