Heart-Broken Life *UPDATE*

Ive been working on Heart-Broken Life since March and it should be done by August. I've only got through 4 chapters and I am planning to do 18 chapters! Here is a little plot

A average normal woman named Jane had two daughters, Alice and Rebecca. Jane worked in ASDA, a man there named Jack worked there. He was a very quiet and devious person. Until Jane thought he was flirting with her. When he told her a secret that would change Janes life. If she told anyone, she would die. It didnt end in easy consequences. With a matter of staying with the family or running away or death?

hmm interesting

Sounds er, wonderful? ;]

Let's go through sentence by sentence.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

A average normal woman named Jane had two daughters, Alice and Rebecca.

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Should be "an average woman", no need for backup with "normal" as it means exactly the same as average.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

Jane worked in ASDA, a man there named Jack worked there.

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"Jane worked in ASDA, along with a man named Jack"? It just doesn't sound right how you've put it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

He was a very quiet and devious person.

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Jack was? This doesn't work as a sentence on its own, needs to be put perhaps as a subordinate clause in the previous sentence.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

Until Jane thought he was flirting with her.

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What happened until Jane thought he was flirting with her? He was quiet and devious until that point? How can you tell?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

When he told her a secret that would change Janes life.

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He flirted with her and then told her a secret? This sentence doesn't make sense, it needs to have an ending. It's like having the word "Yesterday" as a sentence on its own. What happened when he told her?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

If she told anyone, she would die.

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Pretty morbid, but the sentence works here.

[quote=January]It didnt end in easy consequences.[/quotes]

I wasn't aware you could have easy consequences, seeing as how consequences come after things have happened and therefore can't be hard or difficult, just good or bad.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

With a matter of staying with the family or running away or death?

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What? This doesn't make sense at all.

[quote=FlyingJesus]Let's go through sentence by sentence.



Should be "an average woman", no need for backup with "normal" as it means exactly the same as average.



"Jane worked in ASDA, along with a man named Jack"? It just doesn't sound right how you've put it.



Jack was? This doesn't work as a sentence on its own, needs to be put perhaps as a subordinate clause in the previous sentence.



What happened until Jane thought he was flirting with her? He was quiet and devious until that point? How can you tell?



He flirted with her and then told her a secret? This sentence doesn't make sense, it needs to have an ending. It's like having the word "Yesterday" as a sentence on its own. What happened when he told her?



Pretty morbid, but the sentence works here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by January

It didnt end in easy consequences.[/quotes]

I wasn't aware you could have easy consequences, seeing as how consequences come after things have happened and therefore can't be hard or difficult, just good or bad.



What? This doesn't make sense at all.

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What he said.