This morning was no different to any other morning. I awoke to the sounds of gun shots from outside. I rose to my feet and took a cautious peek out the window; my face half-concealed by the curtains. Two gangs were firing their guns at each other in the park opposite my home. I shook my head and smiled; those cute little street gangs were at it again!
I got dressed and went out of my home. By this time, the street was littered with the bodies of the gang, and a few elderly women. An Indian man was cowering behind a postbox. I approached him slowly.
"What are you doing down there, my boy?" I said to him. He looked up with tears in his eyes. His body shook and his lips quivered as he replied,
"The postbox... ate my mail..."
At which point I kicked the man in the face and walked onwards.
Things were about to get much weirder. I turned the corner when I bumped into a stupid German man. This German man, in fact:
http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/1644/0561195300ao6.jpg
It was director Uwe Boll. I was about to reach for my knife when he apologised for so-rudely knocking into me. Then I remembered the movie 'House of the Dead'.
"Apologise for those movies you made," I said sharply.
To my surprise, he responded.
"How about a coffee?"
Usually, a strange German man inviting me out for a coffee would be disturbing. However since he was *the* Uwe Boll, the crappiest director of all time, I decided to take him up on the offer.
We ended up in McDonalds.
"What about the coffee?" I asked, angrily.
Uwe Boll soiled his pants in fear. It seemed likely that he had completely forgotten where the nearest coffee shop was, or even if one existed.
"I'm scared. Where I am?" he replied.
I placed my hand firmly on his shoulder, in hopes I could at least snap one bone.
"It's okay, Mr. Boll. We're in McDonalds."
Uwe walked funnily off to the toilets and returned almost 20 minutes later. He then proceeded to tell me about his future projects.
"I'm hoping to do an adaption of Metal Gear Solid with myself starring as Solid Snake. I've never done acting before, but it seems that if I direct and act at the same time then I can really be in control. And there will be some ****ie scenes."
I asked him why his movies were so terrible.
"They're not terrible. You just don't get my movies. My genius movies. I take an existing franchise and turn it into my own, original idea. For example, Alone In The Dark's original script didn't have many car chase sequences. So I decided to bugger up the entire concept and make the plot have tons of car chase scenes. Do you understand now?"
"Not really."
The heart attack-inducing meal ended terribly, for Uwe Boll anyway, when I ordered everyone in McDonalds to wrestle him to the ground and kick his head in.
What did you think of the meal, Uwe Boll?
http://img236.imageshack.us/img236/3554/uwebolllv5.jpg
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