Brother...

I know I've posted before but it still affects me (Y)

K, so my brother only just turned 19 the other month but he's been using my mums money to buy drink every weekend for the last 2-3 years.

Every Saturday my mum goes to her boyfriends to stay all night and my older brothers always out til dead late.

My grandas an alcholic and so is my dad and I think my brother is going to turn into one.

When I'm at home with my brother myself on a Saturday he is always drunk right, and he always starts crap with me :S like he calls me a tramp/tink/****, just whatever. Once it got really bad that he actually hit me. It wasn't sore but I was just in shock.

I'm really worried about him like. I have a councillor at school and she's told me to tell my mum, but the thing is my brothers a MASSIVE blackmailer.

Theres this guy I'm kinda with, and my mum aint keen on him cos he's 18 and drives a car. At the weekend he picks me up a few streets away from my home so mum doesn't see, but my brother knows I got with him. he says if i tell my mum he hits me or drinks every weekend he'll tell my mum about me and this guy.

I'm really confused, I don't know what to do, help??

I know its hard when someones blackmailing you but you need to think about this carefully.

Your mum is just a person who loves you both and wants the best for you.. if your dating a guy she doesnt like she *might* flip out, she *might* shout at you, but in the end shes not going to hate you..

your brothers drinking, that might kill him. thats the reality, drink driving, lack of attention crossing a road while drunk, liver damage, brain damage, progression onto drugs, alcaholism...

despite the fact that having an elder sibling who is abusive and bullies you (i went through that too) think of it from the side of a mature adult.

From the logical point of view, someone in your family, who you love, is ruining their life. and telling your mother so he can get help might not make you any friends, and it might upset your lifestyle for now, but its his whole life, and his health...

I think you have to risk him hating you and the arguements, and remember your doing the right thing...

I think your mum would be more worried about him actually hitting you other than some older guy you got with. If you think he has a drinking problem and worried that he might turn into an alcoholic then definitely tell your mum about it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Calisse

I know its hard when someones blackmailing you but you need to think about this carefully.

Your mum is just a person who loves you both and wants the best for you.. if your dating a guy she doesnt like she *might* flip out, she *might* shout at you, but in the end shes not going to hate you..

your brothers drinking, that might kill him. thats the reality, drink driving, lack of attention crossing a road while drunk, liver damage, brain damage, progression onto drugs, alcaholism...

despite the fact that having an elder sibling who is abusive and bullies you (i went through that too) think of it from the side of a mature adult.

From the logical point of view, someone in your family, who you love, is ruining their life. and telling your mother so he can get help might not make you any friends, and it might upset your lifestyle for now, but its his whole life, and his health...

I think you have to risk him hating you and the arguements, and remember your doing the right thing...

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I know that,
It's really hard for me to talk to my mum. She's usually at her boyfriends or whatever else. I actually told her that he was spending his pocket money on booze, but my mum lets him walk all over her. She'll be like YOUR GROUNDED and he'll still go out. I think she's past caring, and when I told her about it once she said she'd deal with it and I should think about myself for the moment. Thanks anyway. x

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Purposeless

I think your mum would be more worried about him actually hitting you other than some older guy you got with. If you think he has a drinking problem and worried that he might turn into an alcoholic then definitely tell your mum about it.

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My dad's side of the family and our side are not close. We don't talk about them or their alcoholism, she just thinks that my dads side is imperfect. I don't think she'd wanna talk about it. :|

Just dont turn it into a major drama about you with all this 'he hits me, hes drunk, hes blackmailing me' stuff in your head.. try and keep level headed and you will find the mature thing to do, shrugs.

my sister was an alcaholic by 14, coke addict by 15, moved out of my house by 16, we found her living on the streets by 17...

people drink for a reason, your brother needs help not drama


Edit (in response to your reply).. yeah you should be thinking about yourself, but your not.. at the end of the day, like ive said, alcaholism (or the beginnings of) is a sickness, people drink for a reason, and it requires help to stop it, if your mothers given up trying talk to a teacher, they suck at teaching but they see this kind of thing alot, and often they will have answers of how to help...

being grounded wont stop an alcaholic, they will drink at school, at work or whatever... you and your mother need advice on how to find out what the issues causing the drinking are, not finding ways to confiscate the dirnk.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Calisse

Just dont turn it into a major drama about you with all this 'he hits me, hes drunk, hes blackmailing me' stuff in your head.. try and keep level headed and you will find the mature thing to do, shrugs.

my sister was an alcaholic by 14, coke addict by 15, moved out of my house by 16, we found her living on the streets by 17...

people drink for a reason, your brother needs help not drama


Edit (in response to your reply).. yeah you should be thinking about yourself, but your not.. at the end of the day, like ive said, alcaholism (or the beginnings of) is a sickness, people drink for a reason, and it requires help to stop it, if your mothers given up trying talk to a teacher, they suck at teaching but they see this kind of thing alot, and often they will have answers of how to help...

being grounded wont stop an alcaholic, they will drink at school, at work or whatever... you and your mother need advice on how to find out what the issues causing the drinking are, not finding ways to confiscate the dirnk.

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We've never had an issue with him drinking. My mum doesn't see it as a problem as such. I mean sometimes I think, if i could just get evidence, but he has a hell of alot of things to blackmail me with. What if it ends up me getting into trouble? and his crap is just put to the side and left with? and I end up living somewhere else, that's gonna get me nowhere. I'm more terrified of my brother then my mom, so at the end of the day, maybe I should just tell her. I just don't know whens the best way to do it, or how?

Believe me, my sister has done some horrible f'in things to me.. like you wouldnt believe.. but at the end of the day now (when im 20 and shes 24) I still worry about her.. about how much she drinks, even though we live 100 miles apart...

and there are still days now where i get weird phone calls and i have to sit down with my mom and say, mom, i think we need to go see jemma, shes sounding weird and i think she might have coke in the house.. or mom, jemma needs to go back into rehab...

however much i hate how she treats me..

You cant please everyone, people will always lash out when they are angry or hurt. But your obviously concerned and cant approach your brother directly about it because you dont get on...

If its just a case of making your life easier by getting your sibling told off, dont do it, its not worth it, but if your genuinely concerned or cant take it any more because things are so bad, then you should..



I generally write letters, I can order what im going to say, edit them.. but some people prefer face to face.

My only tip is start off with

I am concerned about (brother) because I feel (he drinks too much / he hates me)

I am concerned (you are, she cannot dispute that)
because (give reasons so she can see you are genuinely concerned)
I feel (no one can argue with what you feel or think. Its not possible, 'i think i am too fat' 'no you dont'.. it doesnt work. Always say what you feel to be true, then no one can accuse you of lying).


Tell her you are aware that siblings fight, and that it puts her in a difficult position, but your not trying to cause trouble...

Stay calm and keep reitterating *why* you are tlaking to her.. because your worried. Itll stop her dismissing your poitn of view as childish or sibling rivalry.

and good luck




Anger Planet Parentline Parents of Addicts

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Calisse

Believe me, my sister has done some horrible f'in things to me.. like you wouldnt believe.. but at the end of the day now (when im 20 and shes 24) I still worry about her.. about how much she drinks, even though we live 100 miles apart...

and there are still days now where i get weird phone calls and i have to sit down with my mom and say, mom, i think we need to go see jemma, shes sounding weird and i think she might have coke in the house.. or mom, jemma needs to go back into rehab...

however much i hate how she treats me..

You cant please everyone, people will always lash out when they are angry or hurt. But your obviously concerned and cant approach your brother directly about it because you dont get on...

If its just a case of making your life easier by getting your sibling told off, dont do it, its not worth it, but if your genuinely concerned or cant take it any more because things are so bad, then you should..



I generally write letters, I can order what im going to say, edit them.. but some people prefer face to face.

My only tip is start off with

I am concerned about (brother) because I feel (he drinks too much / he hates me)

I am concerned (you are, she cannot dispute that)
because (give reasons so she can see you are genuinely concerned)
I feel (no one can argue with what you feel or think. Its not possible, 'i think i am too fat' 'no you dont'.. it doesnt work. Always say what you feel to be true, then no one can accuse you of lying).


Tell her you are aware that siblings fight, and that it puts her in a difficult position, but your not trying to cause trouble...

Stay calm and keep reitterating *why* you are tlaking to her.. because your worried. Itll stop her dismissing your poitn of view as childish or sibling rivalry.

and good luck

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I'm not so good at writing letters or talking face to face.
I'm rather good at getting my point across, my friend suggested showing her leaflets and telling my mum how much my brother drinks and to show how much he SHOULD be drinking for his age. I might try it and if it fails then ..... i'm going to come clean about things in the past. I may as wel tell her I've tried smoking [brother has a video of me doing it] then again, so has he, i'll have to tell her about this guy, then he can't black mail me. I'll leave it for a bit and if he's still drinking I'll just tell her and I'll try stay outta trouble. :D
Tyvm anyway. xxx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Calisse

I know its hard when someones blackmailing you but you need to think about this carefully.

Your mum is just a person who loves you both and wants the best for you.. if your dating a guy she doesnt like she *might* flip out, she *might* shout at you, but in the end shes not going to hate you..

your brothers drinking, that might kill him. thats the reality, drink driving, lack of attention crossing a road while drunk, liver damage, brain damage, progression onto drugs, alcaholism...

despite the fact that having an elder sibling who is abusive and bullies you (i went through that too) think of it from the side of a mature adult.

From the logical point of view, someone in your family, who you love, is ruining their life. and telling your mother so he can get help might not make you any friends, and it might upset your lifestyle for now, but its his whole life, and his health...

I think you have to risk him hating you and the arguements, and remember your doing the right thing...

---

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Purposeless

I think your mum would be more worried about him actually hitting you other than some older guy you got with. If you think he has a drinking problem and worried that he might turn into an alcoholic then definitely tell your mum about it.

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I agree with both of you. I think what's most important right now is your brother & your mom probably won't even worry about the guy. Your brother is what's important & would you rather lose a brother to alcohol or save him from it? I suggest you tell your mom or something bad might happen & you'll regret it. It could result in death, you never know. That's why I suggest you do what you have to do before it's too late. Family comes first.

I would explain it to your mum when you can and tell her everything and how you feel. It could make things worse but most things need to be out in the open before it's too late. Then you may wish you could have done someting earlier. If things are so bad i would talk to the police.