The President of Swaziland, Chuck Norris and David Beckham Decide to Save the World

"Sir, they're here.'' said Jamesy
"Send 'em in." I commanded
The Prime Minister of Swaziland and David Beckham walked straight into my office, both of them knew what the hell was going on. World War Nine-Thousand, the war to begin War Eight-Thousand and Nine, because we all knew about the paradox and time traveller and blah blah blah. But the real matter was, we were running low on nail clippers.
"As you know gentlemen there is a emergancy going on right out there in the battlefield." I explained
"Of course, men are dying out there!" yelled David Beckham, who's grey hair seemed to only tighten his vocal cords
"Actually the recorded casualties are David Beckham and two other's called Bill and Ben. But other than that there is a seriously high record of something else..." I once again explained
"Yeah, I'm running out of hair dye for my back hair." complained the Prime Minister
"I'll get my secretery on that..." I replied, with an austere look
Just then the latecomer - Chuck Norris, barged in with a swagger and a pungent oudour of liqour and booze which immeadiatly poisoned the hair. Chucky came over to the desk and stared me in the eyes and then proceeded to take a grenade from deep beneath his pants. He bit off the pin and threw it down into his pants, at this point we all dived into cover from the inevitable explosion.
I hid cowardly in cover behind my desk and proceeded to dial 999 and ask for the lifeguard to come and check on my waffle iron (I had left it on at my beach resort) he replied with some swears and foul language and then I heard the phone being eaten.
I lifted my head up from beneath the desk and saw Chuck Norris at pelvis level, still intact. He had his hands on his hips and a hypnotic stare in his eyes. In the corner, David Beckham and the Prime Minister were deep in physical... action.
I yelled for them all to come back to the desk and resume briefing, they did, but only for the milk and cookies which had magically appeared during the interuption.
"Anyway... as you know..." as I munched on a cookie
"We all know about the red diamand, sir, but do you want me to explain it because I feel like it." said a stern Prime Minister
"Okay." I said
"'Kay everyone, 5 years ago South Africa discovered a diamond deep in a hippo's *** and found it to be worth nine-hundred trillion US dollars, their economy boosted and they invested and invested and became the world's richest country. They then proceeded to invest in nuclear weapons and now here we are 5 years on and they are ready to push the red button." said the Prime Minister, very fastly
"Yes." commented Chuck Norris
"Now gentlemen... I want you all to go plant a bomb on someguy's car and explode it at the toe nail factory." I briefed
"WHERE!" shouted David
"Berlin, by 'Maccy Ds'." I answered
"WE'RE ON IT SIR." shouted David.
The 3 heroes sprinted straight out my office (they even got stuck) and dashed down the hallway. I meanwhile rang my secretery and told her to get back in the kitchen and cook me lunch.