Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lewis-Moody!
It was cold, all I could hear was the sound of them behind me. I didn’t want to turn around; although as much as I did not want to, I knew I had to. My good friend Sean had become one of them, one of the Bad Guy Species Name, I hated myself for it, It was my fault, if I had grabbed him, instead of letting him fall down the side of the hill, into the hands of the King Bad Guys Species he would be here today, running with me. It was all in the past, I hated myself for it but I had to get over it, for it was him chasing me, which is why I did not stab him with my sharp curved dagger.
Firstly and fairly importantly you need to get your grammar sorted. It's not terrible and you can work without perfect grammar but it does take away something from a story if it's not being told in proper English.
There are far too many commas and not enough periods, full stops or whatever you want to call them. Arguably basic syntax and punctuation are the most important things to have a good grasp of when writing - you want your sentences to make sence and flow properly, otherwise you will be writing a pointless babble of words which a reader will want only to skip over.
What you also want to watch out for is not building up "info dumps". As I've said I strongly suggest planning your story well before writing anything, down to the very last detail, but these details shouldn't all come out in one lump. You wrote just four sentences and in that we already found out that
*Your character is being hunted
*Once you have a foe species we will know what it is right away
*There is a personal connection with them due to the friend
*We know exactly what happened to said friend
*Your character had had conflict with them earlier
*Your character has guilt issues
*Your character is armed
all in the first paragraph. It's easy to get excited by an idea and follow it through as the thoughts come, but you do need to slow down and let the reader work some things out for themselves. You stated that this is meant to end up as a book rather than a leaflet in which everything happens in 4 pages.