Introductory Paragraph Critique

I'm doing some prep for this really huge exam that I'm taking in March. I have to do an essay portion for the exam, and I wanted some critiques and comments on my introductory paragraph if there's any English buffs out there!

The essay topic: Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way?

I wrote a lot, but if it's not too much trouble I'd love some critiques on it. Don't hold back, I love improving on my work!
+Rep for good critiques :)

The human race has accomplished a tremendous amount of things over the course of our existence. Further, there have been many different individuals that have contributed their ideas to future generations so that their own creations could be the foundation upon which more things may be conjured. The accumulation of growth that our race has had through the years is all thanks to the many different people and the myriad of notions that they have fashioned. Since every single entity in the world is different, they must have to do things differently according to who they are. If a person is required to collect their thoughts in the order a person tells them to, they will never feel as if they are thinking for that person, thus hindering their full potential. They will feel as if the concepts they have made are not theirs, causing them to lose concern for the project they are supposed to focus on. Their individual thinking styles will seem crowded, and their own thoughts will be mixed with another’s according to their rules. Changing a person’s thinking style will cause them to be uncomfortable with their own progress, and they won’t completely accomplish what they wish to this way.