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For a beginning you need to set a scene, not launch straight into a billion problems or racist attacks. Racism in any field needs be handled precisely and delicately , something which you fail to mismatch.
The first couple of sentences are generic, and downright uninteresting. So I generally was bored for most of it.
Sorry if I'm harsh, but take this criticism and come back with a hot dog, not just the brine
I don't reckon you should've said he was shot dead, you should have just ended his speech, and describe the sound of the gun, not just go straight into it saying "he was shot"Quote:
‘’Give us a min..’’ Gary started but was shot dead before he could finish.
‘’Ahhhhhhhhhhh!’’ Screamed Sonya who was franticly struggling to escape from the table she had only just managed to squeeze into.
EDIT: I just read the rest of it, and in all fairness its terrible, its just one after another, no description, just you TELLING what's happening. I enjoy books when they create a picture in my head, and its like watching a film inside my head. Yours, doesn't create any pictures, its just the words in a book to me.
You could improve it so much with describing everything:
I'm not too good at english, although this seems better in my mindQuote:
‘’These bread sticks are to die for!’’ mumbled Sonya with a mouth full of bread.‘’Why the **** would you ever need to die for a ******* bread stick woman! ‘’‘’Your some stupid ass *****’’ said Tracey who had taken on an extra shift serving at the Olive Garden and was getting fed up of all the ‘Fat ass ****’ that were coming into his restaurant and chatting ****.
As i said, i'm not the best at english, but this creates more of an image in my mind.Quote:
"These bread sticks are to die for!", teased sonya as she chewed on the golden stick, making the crunch which she adored. "Why the **** would you ever need to die for a ******* bread stick woman! Your some stupid ass *****" groaned Tracey, who unfortunately took on another shift serving at the desolate restaurant, so wrongly named "the olive garden", as there were no olives around. He was fed up of the desparate "Fat ass holes" that were coming into his resturaunt, and taking advantage of the free bread sticks.
haha conor you just made my day (L)
Atleast one person likes it :PQuote:
Originally Posted by drama
i read the first paragraph, couldn't be arsed to read the rest but it was good what i read.
and you call yourself a friend :(Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackk
Too much speech, too much swearing and its confusing, you need to set the scene, set who the people are and too unbelievable that everyones just sitting in the restraunt. U need to set the characters up and take it slower, u cant just have murder after murder, u need to let the readers get to no the characters and stuff.
It's really good. Can't wait to read more.