Okay, there's this guy.
I really like him.
Like, I completely would die for him.
When I'm around him my heart stops...
I dunno why I like him so much though.
But there's a few problems...
My best friend just recently moved to Texas, just at the beginning of last summer when school let out. I miss her so much, but we're still in touch, and she still comes to visit here because her father still lives here with her step mom, so yeah. She's coming in really soon, too, actually just in a week!
But anyway, that's beside the point.
I liked this guy (his name is Austin) since about a year ago. I met him at my best friend (Savannah's) Halloween party in 2005. That's when he got addicted to hugging, and I followed in his lead and within a month we were hanging out more and more and my hugging became really skillful and his hugging was always skillful so of course, we hugged a lot and he always complimented my hugs, at which I could feel my face burning. Anyway.
A couple months before school let out last schoolyear, he asked Savannah out. I really liked him still, of course. I think I may have even loved him - but I don't know yet. Savannah said yes and they kept going out. Since we had a kind of threesome of friendship there, I was with them a lot when they were together and every time I watched them kiss and hug I would feel my heart sink and I kind of turned away, but luckily they didn't notice anything.
A few weeks before school let out, I had my birthday party. There was another guy, he was my friend. I had a small, tiny, tiny, tiny microscopic crush on him - not anything near how much I liked Austin. His name was Nick. He gave me a kiss for a brithday present, and I took it alright. Austin and Savannah thought I was completely gleeful, but they don't know how much I still liked Austin. The next day Nick asked me out.
On the last and final day of school, Nick, Austin, Savannah, out other friends, and I all went to the movies to celebrate. Afterwards, Nick kissed me goodnight, and I went outside to where Austin and Savannah were. Austin grabbed Savannah and kissed her long and hard, unaware that Savannah was going to dump him. But did it really matter? Austin loved Savannah and Savannah was leaving for Texas the next day. That was two whole states away!
Now we come to the present time.
The present time where I go to football games and hang out with Austin only half the time.
The present time where on MySpace, I am no longer his second on his top 8, but his sixth.
The present time where I hang out with his brother, which isn't even really his brother, more.
When I call Savannah and she's talking about other boys at school,
when she tells me how she still has a small crush on Austin.
Austin changed. He became involved with himself.
He tries to be better than everybody else, he tries to be all popular and cool.
I prefered him before.
But the thing is, there's always those times when I do have the old Austin
and it makes my heart stop.
Friday October 13, 2006
Homecoming Football Game::
It was the end. The game was finished, and it was raining because it was storm time here. I was pretty sad because I love Austin. He just got dumped by his girlfriend and he's sad, but we all know he'll move on in a day or two, because that's how he is. I felt like crying, and my dear old former second-best friend, he sensed this. I had confronted him earlier and slapped him. He went out with me in the Summer, which I left out. We kissed, twice. Then I went to San Diego for a while and he dumped me while I was there. He claimed, "He didn't want to ruin our friendship."
I felt he used me just to have a girlfriend in the summer, since he really just said "ever since i heard this song, I have to have a girlfriend in the summer!!"
It hurt really bad. I slapped him and told him how every girl he ever went out with feels that they have been used by him, just so he could have a girlfriend and not be as lonely as normal people feel. I told him that he shouldn't have even used me.
Danny, another of my friends and his friend too, retorted.
"You don't know anything, Angeline! He wouldn't EVER shut up when you guys were going out! Really, why would you even say that?"
Now I felt bad, and at a loss of words.
Austin was gaping at me, he looked a bit sad. I looked in his empty eyes that I still love so much -- it had less life in them than before. They looked more grey these days. Before they were a bright and beautiful blue.....
I told him he needed to find a girlfriend.
One that he actually likes.
One that he actually likes to be "clingy" with...
He told me he would.
And he left after that.
Back to before!
When I was walking up the path around the football field, I was getting wetter and wetter in the rain. Austin was right beside me, but he was so close to me that our elbows kept on bumping. I was freezing because some annoying kid had stolen my favorite jacket -- which was actually a male dressjacket I got for a joking movie my freinds and I were making, but I kept it because it was comfy, warm, and cool-looking. In my eyes, at least.
So there I was, in the rain, soaked, with a tanktop on.
Austin was talking to me, and I was talking to him in a quivering voice.
Then we were just walking in an awkward silence.
Suddenly Austin stopped and quickly gave me a little hug.
"What was that for?"
"I just figured you needed one."
So we kept walking for a small ways. Then, we were in the curve of the pathway that lead to where our parents would be picking us up.
I turned to him and I grabbed him and I put my head on his chest and I breathed in his scent and I wanted to lean back up and kiss him, but that wasn't a smart idea right now.
"I love you Austin," I had said.
"I love you too, Angel," he had replied.
And I wanted to tell him
I wanted to say,
"I really do..."
But I couldn't.
I brought myself back up and we kept walking until we were right by the high school. There were people, including his half-brother, in the area with a shielding roof and vending machines. I walked in there and Austin said goodbye and headed onward.
I saw his brother, who's a little guy but he's really nice and fun and kind. I turned to him and I said:
"Can I trust you?"
and he said,
"Yeah."
And now I started crying as I said,
"I still really, really like Austin.."
So I told his brother.
And his brother told me how Austin acted different around me-- but I don't know if I took it in fully yet.
So there's the story.
Sorry it's so long, but thats just stuff I thought you m ight need to know to decide this..
He doesn't know I love him.
But I want to tell him so bad now.
I remember when I hugged him there in the rain on that walkway.
He put his arm around me too.
And I loved it.
I miss it.
I want him so bad, but I don't know if he really wants me.
I want to ask him out, maybe.
But I don't know.
If I went out with him, my best friend would tear me up.
My other friends who know I love Austin say that she's just being annoying and I should just go for it.
Others say I should tell him how I feel and see how he reacts.
But I don't want to put him on the spot, like make him feel he has to ask me out right then.
Plus, it might ruin the bit of a friendship we still have left, since we have come apart so much lately..
But, God, I love him so much.
Please, will somebody give me advice?!?
