teenage heartbreak. {:

haha, emo kid. *points & laughs at self*

I wrote it for a compettion to get published ina book, getting results soon. {:

any comments?

Oh you smiled and I cried,

You laughed and I died.

I hear 1000 hearts break,

Conceal behind a smile that is so fake.

The taste of lies from your lips,

Another emotional scar and slit.

Thanks for watching while I fall,

Thanks for not caring at all.

Thanks for all the lies and all the broken tries.

Thanks for letting me realise, `

The love I had for you just died.

Here is my final demonstration,

My one true revelation.

I don’t need you anymore,

Now you’ve walked out the door.

I couldn’t give a damn –

I hear your feet slam.

You’re angry I can tell,

It’s your fault – go to hell.

I’m happy now don’t you see

Not us – just me.

very good =]

thanks alot (:

Sounds like lyrics. There is a definate "beat" or rhythm to it. I really like it.

I really Like it tooo
Thats really nice, i hope you get it published :]

Thats some good poetry although a few words are repititive.
Plus this line killed it for me{it is actually a poor line especially in comparison to the rest of the poem}

I couldn’t give a damn –
I hear your feet slam.

That just ruined the poem, seemed a bit out of place/as if you were trying hard to think of something to rhyme with it.

really nice

sorry for bump; don't think it got published. ]:
but thanks for the comments.

thats quite good!! gd luck in the comp thing.

Nicely put =]

Very nice.

very nice although i think
Here is my final demonstration
should be replaced with
Here is my final demis or however its spelled

Wow that's excellent. Good luck mate, it will take something special to beat that.

it's pretty good :]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gangster

Thats some good poetry although a few words are repititive.
Plus this line killed it for me{it is actually a poor line especially in comparison to the rest of the poem}

I couldn’t give a damn –
I hear your feet slam.

That just ruined the poem, seemed a bit out of place/as if you were trying hard to think of something to rhyme with it.

---

True, id have gone with something to do with a door and slam, although my suggestion stops at the rhyming since i suck at the writeings.

Still nice poem, plus as you said kinda emo, but with the context there wasnt really much altenative lol :p