Personal Statement Review - 9 rep or some other low number like that

Hi all
I've written up my personal statement to apply for sixth form; I'm intending to stay at my current school but nonetheless I have to apply, and in rare cases current students are actually not allowed to return due to behaviour or grades.
I'd like it if people could take a read (beware, it is 877 words so you may have a challenge) and tell me how they would change it or whether I should add anything. Any references to working at a website are of course referring to Habbox, and any mention of the school I'm at/want to be in will be generalised. Thanks in advance fans x

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As a person, I feel I am suited to a school like SCHOOL, for I have a strong work ethic and in the face of any adversity understand that my education is the most valuable thing in my life. Even when those around me try to distract me, I am able to exert a level of self-control and continue as I have been. I do accept that my method of learning and social interaction can be unorthodox at times, and I have found other people can be scared away by how intensely I try to develop close friendships with them, which has reduced the number of relationships I expected to make upon joining this school in 2009. As SCHOOL accepts a large group of external students for the final two years of its education, I will be able to start afresh with some of these people and choose again those who I become close to,whilst still keeping many of the same faces around me.

In my free time, I enjoy interacting with technology (the reason I decided to learn Computing as a GCSE subject) and watching sports such as tennis and badminton, although I do not play on a regular basis for a club. Through these, I have been able to bond with people from around the world, connected by the Internet, via a website I can detail in the interview stage if necessary. On this, I have performed a number of community and content-based staff roles in the past three years from writing informative news articles to managing a virtual customer support desk. I hope that in the future SCHOOL caters more to students in the upper years who want to get involved with technology, and I would be happy to spearhead a scheme like this.


Despite still being a student, I have been able to be a part of multiple personal development events, many of which were organised and run by SCHOOL, such as being leader of a team which went on to beat 35 others in the SCHOOL Business Challenge as well as placing in the top 400 14 and 15-year-old students in the country for Mathematics in the UKMT Intermediate Mathematical Olympiad, the success of which I hope to continue in future Intermediate and Senior events from this organisation. In the course of 2013, I worked with other students from SCHOOL at OTHER SCHOOL, a school for children with social disabilities, which was a rewarding experience that taught me patience and empathy although at times challenging.


My subject choices reflect who I am: a person who ruthlessly comes to conclusions and can think critically about the world and the relationships, networks and communities within it. These kinds of skills are becoming ever shorter in supply in the modern world as Western students and employees expect an easier and easier course through their work, something I personally do not believe in doing.


Mathematics and Further Mathematics go hand in hand, showing I am prepared not only to take a facilitating subject but (as the latter's title describes) take it further to broaden my understanding of what I consider a specialist subject for myself. From GCSE level, I have developed a knowledge of Mathematics and my recent success with the course supports this, scoring 95% on each of the final exams for this subject and obtaining an A* grade.


Economics can also be used with mathematics in various university courses such as Econometrics, Financial Mathematics and Economics itself, which suggests my choice of A-Levels is appropriate. My previous experience in Business Studies, a subject which looks more acutely at how a single business operates, as opposed to national and international economies, has prepared me well to study a subject like Economics: the style of long answer question is similar in both and the mathematical backbone of the subjects is necessary.


Finally, in a world where the dependence on technology is ever increasing, not including a subject directly related to ICT in my qualifications would be a mistake; I chose Computing due to my current familiarity with the subject, where I achieve a solid A in many assessments. This is complementary to Mathematics and Further Mathematics for university courses involving Programming, Theoretical Mathematics and Computer Science, which I would be open to studying at a further level.


I have my sights set on attending a successful university of high calibre such as the London School of Economics & Political Science or Warwick University, and studying all four of these subjects for two years will greatly improve my chances of obtaining a place at one of these establishments, who value a greater number of A-Levels, providing they are of healthy grades, something I feel SCHOOL can ensure.


Thank you for taking the time to read my personal statement, and my application in general; I believe I have provided the right information for you to determine the kind of student I am, as well as my suitability for studying the A-Level subjects I yearn to. I hope you consider my application with an open mind and see I am a perfect student to study at SCHOOL for a further two years.

I've asked my mum, who really thought it was good, but she is easily impressed and having read some of her personal statements in the past not a pro at the whole "selling yourself" thing
If you guys also think it's good, I'll send it off with the rest of my application, which has to be in by like February 6th or something

Kinda a pointless thread when you've already sent it off... Imo you're guaranteed to get accepted as you're not badly behaved however the personal statement isn't great, sorry

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Originally Posted by Mark

Kinda a pointless thread when you've already sent it off... Imo you're guaranteed to get accepted as you're not badly behaved however the personal statement isn't great, sorry

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By how he has said it, it doesn't seem he has sent it off yet and is seeing if people can help him.

I've read a little bit and I think it's okay. It's weird how they are making you right out a massive thing for it though. When I applied for college all they did was have a small 10 minute interview discussing what we wanted to do and check our grades out. I suppose it's just so we get a feel for future situations.

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Originally Posted by Jordan

By how he has said it, it doesn't seem he has sent it off yet and is seeing if people can help him.

I've read a little bit and I think it's okay. It's weird how they are making you right out a massive thing for it though. When I applied for college all they did was have a small 10 minute interview discussing what we wanted to do and check our grades out. I suppose it's just so we get a feel for future situations.

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I logged onto Skype to speak to him about it rather than on the forum and he said he's already sent it because his Mum said there wasn't anything needing to be changed

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Originally Posted by Mark

I logged onto Skype to speak to him about it rather than on the forum and he said he's already sent it because his Mum said there wasn't anything needing to be changed

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i didnt know that :( but yes it is a little pointless then.

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to,whilst

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You missed a space after the comma.

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although I do not play on a regular basis for a club

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Unnecessary thing to say IMO.

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I have been able to be a part of multiple personal development events, many of which were organised and run by SCHOOL, such as

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I'd change the two commas in that sentence to two hyphens.

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Despite still being a student, I have been able to be a part of multiple personal development events, many of which were organised and run by SCHOOL, such as being leader of a team which went on to beat 35 others in the SCHOOL Business Challenge as well as placing in the top 400 14 and 15-year-old students in the country for Mathematics in the UKMT Intermediate Mathematical Olympiad, the success of which I hope to continue in future Intermediate and Senior events from this organisation.

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This is just a wall of text with no full stops, maybe add some to break it up?

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I have my sights set on attending a successful university of high calibre such as the London School of Economics & Political Science or Warwick University, and studying all four of these subjects for two years will greatly improve my chances of obtaining a place at one of these establishments, who value a greater number of A-Levels, providing they are of healthy grades, something I feel SCHOOL can ensure.

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Again I think this needs breaking up. It doesn't read too well either.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my personal statement, and my application in general; I believe I have provided the right information for you to determine the kind of student I am, as well as my suitability for studying the A-Level subjects I yearn to. I hope you consider my application with an open mind and see I am a perfect student to study at SCHOOL for a further two years.

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I'd leave this out entirely. Asking them to consider the application open-mindedly could be considered a bit insulting depending on who reads it and, depending on the university, some won't even read your personal statement!

You also talk about your grades a lot very specifically - they will look at your grades/UCAS points before reading your statement. Maybe leave them out and talk about you as a person and how going to the university will benefit you. What will you take away from your 3-4 year course (apart from a certificate saying you have a degree)?

Good luck and grats on your maths... :)

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry just realised this is for sixth form and not university...

I found the application process for sixth form pretty pointless considering we had the sixth form within our school. Everyone that applied got offered a place, if your school set up is like that, you shouldn't worry. It's just paperwork really.

Personally I would get rid of '(as the latter's title describes)' since that's pretty obvious, I personally wouldn't mentioned letter grades, since they will be in your application anyway, but I'd keep in the 95%, as that gives further detail than just an A*. Also, you've not capitalised Mathematics at one point.

Any err English errors (particularly the spacing, which wasn't my fault cos copying from open office to hxf editor did not go well) were corrected before I submitted the application.

And we haven't 100% earned a place just by being in the same school beforehand; you need like average of B in all subjects for them to allow you back in

I didn't read it all because I got distracted by the first paragraph. It starts off a bit like therapy.
"I'm a little weird so I can't make friends that well but I hope to change that by starting sixth form and expecting things to be different" I'd have personally rewrote that section all over again.

Okay read some of the rest and I'll give a positive, your personal statement is focused (helped by your narrow choice of subjects, not a bad thing if that's what you want to do) and having a maths-focused A levels means you can talk passionately about it specifically rather than giving a general overview so that's good but yeah that first paragraph hmmm I'd reword that and make yourself sound less awkward.

Well, I guess as you've already sent it all in theres no real point on me commenting but..what the hell :P

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although I do not play on a regular basis for a club

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I think that, if anything, this point is going to make you seem somewhat less appealing to the people who read your application. It's not really going to do you any favors and could've really been left out.

Also, I don't really think you've sold yourself good enough. I think they could've learnt so much more about you. It seems you're only really pushing points across which can be taken both positively and negatively, for example..

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I have found other people can be scared away by..

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Yes, they could see this as how you're describing it to be, so as a positive, however if the reader doesn't personally know you, or know you well, he/she could view you as awkward, intimidating and even a little creepy. Lets face it, nobody wants to take on somebody like that haha.

Have you only applied for the one school? Or have you applied for a few more as a safety net just in case?


Overall, it's good but just try and work on pushing all the positives about you in their faces, even if you can't think of any there's no harm in lying just a tiiiny bit... (in mine I said I'm dedicated and hardworking..yeah that's all a load of rubbish but it'll help me so much if they believe this! So yeah, lie a bit but not overly I guess? )

Goodluck Alexis :3

u shouldnt have made urself out to be socially ********
saying "it will be nice to make some new friends while keeping the same faces around me" definitely would've sufficed