House of Cards - WIP

jinxii · 22-03-2006, 07:15 PM

This is going to be a really long epic poem one day. It's basically a story about a deck of cards where the Jack of Hearts falls in love with the Seven of Spades, but it all goes all Romeo and Juliet stylee and there is much woe and death. The finishing line will be some guff about how a spade is just really a heart upside down. Sappy, eh? =) This IS a Work In Progress (WIP) and I have LOTS of stuff to do on this, but you get the idea. I just want some feedback on this initial first part. Thank you very much. =)

I have included a brief commentary below explaining some of the concepts used if you were reading this in too an absent-minded way to notice.

This WIP was first posted here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/29344877/

House of Cards - WIP
“I think I’ll wear my suit of hearts today,”
Said the fourth Jack to the Queen,
“Although a bitter foe in play,
For my green-fingered tailor I’ve great esteem.”

“How fine you look all dressed in red!”
The scarlet Queen said to her son,
“Hurry, but don’t switch to black instead,
Make haste, the game’s begun!”

So the Jack went off to the pack
Decked out in fine red linen,
He hoped only to beat the black,
And dreamt solely of simply winning.

Onwards our hero went in to the game,
To use the board on which the real knights dwelt,
Of course by name they’re almost the same,
But chess pieces can’t be dealt.

Then suddenly!

In a second so split he nearly missed her
Falling face-down onto the table,
But the literal hand, figurative of Fate, didn’t twist her.
In fact, he was totally unable
To do anything but wait for her to be flipped
Over, so he could see her face,
But her retreating pattern was thrown to the card crypt,
The lamentable ‘Out’ pile with little grace.

But once the card was back in play,
The Jack glimpsed her piano-key profile
And noted with a gasp of dismay,
That her eyes, her seven Spades, her smile

Was enough for him to give up his Jacks’ stripes for.

Commentary
First stanza: Here the Jack's colours - hearts - are established to the reader. The "green-fingered tailor” is just the maker of cards; green fingered because he would also deck (heh) out the spades, a gardening utensil.

Second stanza: Pretty simple; basically the queen is a wee bit of a snob and wants Jack to marry some wealthy red Ten, or a Nine at a pinch. She sends Jack out into the game to socialise and do battle with his black enemies.

Third stanza: Jack doesn't really care about his mother's ambitions for him, so he goes into the game looking for a fight. He isn't interested in wee girly cards.

Fourth stanza: Jack plays on a chess board, where 'real knights', i.e. the chess pieces known as knights, are found. 'By name they're almost the same' - knights and knaves both start with Kn.

Fifth stanza: A single line. Represents the abruptness and shortness of the glimpse.

Sixth stanza: A long one with lots of enjambement (when the lines overflow so each line is not a separate clause). This reflects the state of the Jack's heart whilst he sees the Seven of Spades of the first time. The Seven of Spades, seen as worthless in this game, is thrown into the 'Out' pile, so the Jack cannot find her identity initially.

Seventh stanza: 'seven spades, her smile' is an example of sibiliance (alliteration with S's). Also, a 'piano-key profile' is alliteration, and describes the card's face which would obviously be black and white.

Eighth stanza: 'Was enough for him to give up his Jacks’ stripes for.' is another instance of enjambement and is an abrupt end to the part. =)

Polly-alyssa · 24-03-2006, 06:29 PM

Different idea but i like it, not read sumthing like tht before i lke it

jinxii · 31-03-2006, 06:54 PM

CHeers! =)

Pawf · 01-04-2006, 09:04 AM

I really like it. It's very well written. The way the structure changes in the 6th stanza gives a representation of how his feelings have changed in the space of one glimpse of a different card?