Creative Writing

[Crimson]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this here, but.. meh.

In prep. for my SATs I've been doing a little bit of random Creative Writing every day for just 30 minutes or so. I came up with this today, and was wondering what you guys thought. It's based on someone who has been sectioned for most of their life. If you could read it and give me a few pointers. Ta.

Happiness
Chapter 1: Understanding, knowing, recognizing, identifying me.

I sat on the floor; the cold, damp and dirty floor. With only a flicker of light from on old lamp that held a ballroom dance for hundreds of flies that skipped around the light, then making a quick escape when the light would turn off – and then returning to dance together again. I peered at them as they slowly started to die off slowly, falling into an abyss until they gently floated to my hand, where I would mourn for them. I cried, inside. I didn’t have the mental capacity to emit any emotion ‘outside’ according to the doctor. He described me as someone crawling to a door that was ever moving. I wasn’t sure what that meant. He always sighed at me, after I would ask what that meant, and would rephrase it to someone who could never reach a goal.
I didn’t know what that meant either. The only words that I can decipher on the ‘outside’ were your basics. Colours, numbers and basic words such as “And” or “But”. The longest word that I knew was; “Help”. I don’t know why I knew it since I’d only ever said it once in my life. I never relied on anyone, as I had myself. I thought myself of being the only one that mattered, when it came to my own needing. Why would I need help? The one time that I said help, I was thrown into my home. I guess for you, home is a good thing. You would think that home is cosy. You would think that home is yours. Well, my home wasn’t cosy or my own. It was dirty and I was told many times it was for ‘dirty’ people. I always wondered if that meant I was dirty. I washed every morning and evening. I never said a foul word. So why was I dirty? Maybe it was one of those complex meanings of another word that many people would follow. My friend would say ‘hot’ a lot. If he looked at a girl, he would say,
“She’s hot.” But he didn’t mean that she was a high temperature. He meant that she was good looking, even though he said ‘hot’ not ‘good looking’.

My ‘outside’ wasn’t really me. It was like my shadow. I had two shadows, my physical shadow and my fictitious shadow; someone that would follow me and be maybe classed as ‘me’. Everyone classed my ‘outside’ as who I am. The ‘outside’ that couldn’t understand any words that pushed over three syllables, couldn’t understand the meaning of myself and the ‘outside’ that had the mental capacity of a four year old. This upset me greatly, the doctors considered me as an idiot. They would never admit it, but I knew what they thought. They didn’t know me, me being my ‘inside’. The ‘inside’ was who I really am. The ‘inside’ spirit that couldn’t do anything except make mental contacts with only one thing; itself, myself. They didn’t know of this ‘inside’. Only I did and that frustrated me more. However I could never show this to anyone. They only knew of my ‘outside’. It was impossible to express my feelings to anyway but myself. Only I knew that I was frustrated, that I wasn’t and idiot. But I could never prove this, ever.

By mourning the death of the flies, it reminded me of my ‘outside’. It was as if the flies were killing their ‘outside’. However they were still happily dancing around the light. I wish I could do this, get rid of my ‘outside’ and proceed in doing the happy things of my ‘inside’. Prove to everyone that I wasn’t this stupid person that they all perceived me of being. Finally, it seemed as if my life had turned around. I had heard of many people doing this before. To get rid of their ‘outside’ and proceed to happiness on their ‘inside’. However these people would follow it on a religious basis. I debated for a long time what to do. Until I decided that I was going to try get rid of my ‘outside’ and I had a perfect plan on how to do it.

[FunerealSerap]

I'm sorry to bump and old thread, but I simply do not understand how this has had absolutely no reply.

I think it's amazing. It's so in depth and thought out. It's definitely the best piece I've read in a while.

There were one or two minor mistakes, ie;

"I peered at them as they slowly started to die off slowly"

You used the word "slowly" in the same sentence again and although it makes sense in your head, it makes it slightly difficult to read for others.

Aside from that, I love it, and would love to read more of it ...

Keep up the creative writing. It's a VERY good skill to have.

++rep

[-Eyeless-]

It probably hasn't had a reply because so few people visit the aritcles section of the forum, I for one gave up checking as there were never any new threads. But if the writer wants my opinion then feel free to pm me and I will post it here