Song lyrics I Wrote :)

[clueless]

i didnt know where to put this so move it if im not wrong to put it in music!!

my friend explains it all again
how her sister and dad are the same
heard this story 50 million times it seems
so i begin to dream
bout the people all around me
the things that we do
again and again and how its all the same
every day of every year
just another story to share
just on and on and on
but then i see you out the corner of my eye
in your uniform with your tie
then beckys story becomes further away
as i listen to what you say to your friend
you laugh at a joke i wonder if its funny
i wonder what makes you laugh and what you find funny
if only i could speak to you just for a minute
see your mind and see whats in it
everything about you seems so perfect
getting to know you would be worth it
you would pick me up at my door
get to know you more and more
we would go to the cinema
you would drive me in your car
and even if it was real ****
we would still enjoy it
you would look into my eyes
take away that disguise
see the real me see you one that you love
and i would love you back
just like that
youd drive me back to my house and say goodbye
i would be sad but wouldnt cry
go inside and make nutella on toast
even though ive been cooked a roast
but i wouldnt want that as you bought me a drink
and even though i threw it down the sink
you made me full
because after all
we had a good night
but i snap back to reality
see you over there and not with me
i wonder if it could ever be
or is this just a story
i laugh at my friends joke even though i dont know what its about
i just want to turn around and shout
'want to chat for a little while'
but i dont instead i just smile
you see me smile and smile right back
then you look into my eyes
take away that lame disguise
you see the real me that one you love
and i love you back
just like that.

[clueless]

anyone got any comments

[inVe]

Seems a bit clumsy to be honest with you.
And spamming 5-10 mins after posting won't help lol.

[clueless]

what do you mean by clumsy? sorry i didnt like type it all out properly, i will correct typo's and all that later
its just i spent a good while kind of chopping and changing so its a bit rough around the edges if you get me!

and oops sorry

[Pyroka]

Sounds like a poem imo, not very songish. No chorus, intro, verses, outro, bridges, yknow?

[inVe]

Sounds like a poem imo, not very songish. No chorus, intro, verses, outro, bridges, yknow?

Exactly.

[clueless]

mm maybe i should rename the title to poem i wrote then
i might make up a little melody to go with it on the guitar so thats why i called it a song
but i guess you are both right

thanks

[RedStratocas]

hmmm, seems more story-like than a song. it's too literal. use metaphors for your feelings instead of just describing the experiences, that way people can actually connect to it. there are definitely some cases where pure literacy works (see the album "pinkerton" by weezer) but in most cases you dont want to just be pouring your heart out with literal experiences.

[clueless]

it is meant to be like a story, that was the style that i was after lol
but thanks for your advice all the same

[Clowgon]

Not bad at all. What kind of music does it go with?