English coursework

[ToxicPaddy]

Hi all
I'm in year 9, but we have started out first piece of english coursework already. We have to write a short story, which is 10% of our final mark. I have picked a hostage situation story, and have wrote a beginning and starting on the middle. I'm not entirely sure how I will end it. There's many ideas, but I can't choose what one to pick. I was thinking something along the lines of this -

As he was let free in the park, he saw his children and wife running towards him. He was fulfilled with glory and relief as he realized he was finally free. But, suddenly, he heard what seemed like a gunshot. Everyone ducked to the floor, and then came a second gunshot. His children were very scared, and it was then he noticed his daughter point to a building screaming. The man, never heard the third gunshot.

It would be in different, better words, but thats the general gist of it. Is this a good ending? I think its alright but I need some help.

+Rep for help

I know this has been posted in the education forums but no one seemed to answer there, and I'm sorry if I have broke any rules but this is quite important to me.

ToxicPaddy

[Alan_Carr]

I did this in year 9 last year, got a B grade.
Yeah the lil bit you've posted is alright, but how can the building scream?
wouldn't it be " screaming from a building" ?

[Ugawa]

I done the short story when i was in year 10, i got an A for mine ( yes thank you thank you please no applause lol ) <-- i just mae myself giggle lol.

Seems like a good idea, =].

Mine was about a pagan girl and her last few hours before she was burnt at the stake.

XX

[mangle]

I think it's pretty good apart from this line :
His children were very scared, and it was then he noticed his daughter point to a building screaming.

The first bit seems a little basic, then the bit about her screaming at the building needs re-wording as Greg didn't understand it and I feel others won't either

[Crimson]

I like it;
but for one fix the building bit that everyone's talked about

Also, I personally dont like that literally every sentance is full of commas. Shorter sentances will make it more intense. Oh, and try to include some adjectives.

So like this part:
But, suddenly, he heard what seemed like a gunshot. Everyone ducked to the floor, and then came a second gunshot.

Try more like:
But, suddenly, he heard what seemed like a gunshot. Everyone ducked to floor in fright. Then, came a second gunshot.

Or even totally expand it by maybe saying;

~ Then, came a second gunshot. It echoed through the alleys of the buildings..

Or somthing like that.


And i'm in Yr 9.. I havn't done this yet! And it's 4 weeks til i'm Yr 10. :?

[-Eyeless-]

I like the idea I would suggest that you listen to Crimson, also I would say it would be more interesting if you changed the last line... I dunno it just sounds a bit odd...

Maybe something like

"A third gunshot rang through the air. Before he could scream his body had fallen to the floor..." I dunno that was pretty crap, but my point is that it is always good to expand

[Virgin Mary]

Use more powerful language, e.g. "everyone fell to the floor". Also, you don't need a comma after "the man" in the last sentence.

[Misawa]

I think "buillding screaming" was just misinterpreted because of his lack of commas, I think he mean't, "his daughter pointed to a building, screaming", which makes sense.

Randomly decided to re-write your work. I got an A* for my creative writing piece all them years ago.

Sunshine poured into the tunnel of trees as he left his last confinement, edging closer and closer to his family, embraced in a golden sea of light. Boom. The picturesque summer day is pierced by a heart-stopping gunshot, a cold, greasy death knell. The laughter of fifty smiling children snap into black shells of terror as a single bullet tears through a grand oak.

[ToxicPaddy]

Wow, thanks for all your help, its most appreciated

And yes, it was ment to be the daughter screaming while pointing to a building. I have given +rep to you, and if you haven't received it its because I need to spread, but just remind me sometime and I will I have taken your help seriously and I am most grateful

[-Eyeless-]

Anytime