Short Vampire Story

[Gibs960]

We had to do a descriptive piece of writing, but being the writer I am I had to carry on the story, here it is, tell me what you think... Keeping in mind I'm 11

I thought the room was empty. I thought I was alone. But then suddenly, to my amazement a voice spoke my name… I anxiously turned around waiting for the next mysterious call. I saw the hooded figure in the arched door way. A long strand of ginger hair hung down his face, covering his right eye. He lifted the cloak from his face, I saw a scarred eye, white skin and white teeth. He stepped forward his black scuffed boots echoing on the wooden floor. He flicked the strand of hair from his eye and revealed another scarred eye. The rest of his hair was black, only one strand ginger. He called my name once more, I backed away from this terrifying creature. He seemed un-humanly, he lacked human qualities, part of me wanted to attack him, half of me wanted to run. The ginger strand of hair fell back onto his face, this time he did not flick it back - his white canines began to extend…

His eyes started to turn a dark scarlet. I stepped slowly back before tumbling like a baby to the floor. His teeth were now double the size of a tigers‘. I stared up into his eyes. His nose was crinkled, his fangs over-lapping his lower lip. I slid along the floor, my trousers beginning to become dirty, I cowered in the corner of the room, whilst the demon edged further forward. I had to do something. I picked up a tool lying on the floor-boards. I threw it with all my might. He dodged it, swivelled and caught it. He sniggered. He threw it against the wall easily breaking through the brittle wall. He elegantly jumped into the air landing and crouching a few centimetres in front of me. I began to cry, salty tears streamed down my dirty face. He smiled and crept toward me. He grabbed my head and tilted it, 2 or 3 tears hit the floor with a thud. He through his own head back and sank his teeth into my neck. Pain flowed through my body. It was excruciating. He continued to suck - I knew it was the end. My eyes flew open with shock. I started to get dizzy. After 1 minute of him sucking I finally tried to push him off, my strength, sense of smell & hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire…

[kuzkasate]

Thats actually fantastic. I really enjoyed reading that, might have a few (literally one or two) errors in the punctuation, but apart from that its fantastic! You should write a book when your older lol!! +repp

[Gibs960]

Thanks so much!!!! I really enjoy writing and reading, all the boys at school have heroes like Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, David Beckham, Robinho, mine is Stephenie Meyer :L +rep for feedback too

[kuzkasate]

Thanks so much!!!! I really enjoy writing and reading, all the boys at school have heroes like Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, David Beckham, Robinho, mine is Stephenie Meyer :L +rep for feedback too

Yeah, I hate it when people have hero's like that. I mean footballers? wth, people who are worth millions? i believe noone in the world is worth that much - especially for kicking a ball.. lol what a load seriously.. but yeah, nice to know there are still people like you out there. I enjoy reading and writing too, but like if my friends find out they'd laugh at me so hard - but i bet they read too!! anyway, you didnt add the rep *cries* and your school sounds good if your producing this level of work, what school in manchester is that seriously lol? i live in manchester and most of the schools here are for dumb ******.

[Gibs960]

It won't let me, cos I can't give a comment I'll spread some and then try My school is actual not as amazing as you might think, I think it's more about an individual than the school, and I have a lot of passion about writing

[kuzkasate]

It won't let me, cos I can't give a comment I'll spread some and then try My school is actual not as amazing as you might think, I think it's more about an individual than the school, and I have a lot of passion about writing

when i was around your age, i did the same, i wrote loads of amazing texts and everyone liked them tbh - i was literally forced into so many competitions that i won - but when i came into high school - i changed and i thought "oh i cba with that, im too big for that." that was my big mistake, i should never have given up. i suppose i could start again, but it would be much harder. just dont make the same mistake as me

[Gibs960]

The only problem with me is I hate writing with my hands with a pen My hands always sweat and ache

[kuzkasate]

The only problem with me is I hate writing with my hands with a pen My hands always sweat and ache

same lol - i used to either do it bit my bit - or on my laptop if your gonna start writin a book on a laptop, make sure you have duplicate copies on memory sticks and other places!

[Gibs960]

Will do

[Shar]

This is really good
But a bit of advice would be to tone it down with all the movement