Paranoia

[MKR&*42]

Please excuse me if I'm using the wrong word. I can't think of a different word except for 'paranoid' aha.
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Recently (I say recently... mean past few months) I've become even more paranoid that I'm always annoying people both online and irl, simply by speaking to them. I still continue to speak but I'm consistently anxious/afraid that I'm just an annoyance and not of much "use" to them really aha. 'Tis why I tend to drift in and out of having my VMs on/off on the forum, and one of the many reasons why I don't speak a lot irl to people, I'm just far too afraid that they really don't like me.

I expect I do annoy a lot of people on here haha, and I suppose I'm sorry if I do 'cause I don't really intend to do it at all. I'd imagine this thread is probably annoying some of you as well somehow, with my miniscule (idk how to spell it) problems :L

Basically, I just need to know how to stop being so paranoid when socialising irl and talking to people online. Everyone always says I'm too quiet and I should be out socialising more, that I rarely speak to people at work and seclude myself from my family - paranoia isn't the only reason (especially with family), but it certainly fills up a huge gap of it. One of the few reasons I chose to keep in contact with only 2/3 school friends when I left was because a) I didn't like a lot of them that much and b) I'm pretty sure they didn't want someone like me annoying them somehow haha, I use to just wander off a lot on my own.

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Urgh ik that was long and it probably seems whiney and I'm not sure if 'paranoid' is the correct word. But I just need some help on how to stop being incredibly concerned about annoying others.

[buttons]

how often do you find that OTHER people annoy you by talking to you? its most likely only people who constantly talk to you when you make it obvious that you don't want to talk by not replying or just replying with "k" "no" etc. i've had this problem before and all that happens is you're too scared to do anything at all, you keep yourself closed off because you're worried of the consequences that you end up looking like you don't want to talk to anyone. by doing this, your body language shows off so much negativity and tells others you don't want anyone close by. how can anyone possibly like you if you don't let them in in the first place? it's a vicious cycle but think of it this way;

you walk into a room of new people. there is one friendly, open person who will make you feel comfortable and easy to talk to. there will be another closed off person who makes it seem as though they don't want anyone near them and makes others feel uneasy. this in turn makes you feel like nobody actually does want to talk you and that's exactly what you'll get. like in my school you'd get #1 an unattractive, overweight person but he'd be funny and confident and thus people liked him #2 an unattractive, overweight person with no confidence/rarely talk and would become a bully victim because they wouldn't do/say anything back #3 attractive, confident, popular people #4 attractive people with no confidence who wouldn't be as popular as the other attractive ones. i believe it comes down to how you portray yourself. just have some belief in yourself and if it goes all wrong, at least you tried your best. better that than not try and just miss out.

also you have such a negative though pattern which i can relate to too. you constantly make up excuses for yourself such as "i expect i'm annoying you" so if anyone does say "you're annoying me" you can just say "well, i already said so". i expect that i do annoy people, hell i KNOW i do and sometimes i'm consumed by the thought that they'll tell me i'm annoying and start to hate on me so i end up pushing everyone else away and going into my own little bubble to give them 'space' from me. that's okay time to time but if you're doing this for people who you don't care about or who don't care about you, it's pointless. not everyone is going to like you and you don't need to impress everyone. so if someone says "you're annoying" or whatever else, why bother with them? why do you want to be friends or impress such a person anyway? focus on those who do count and won't push you away or belittle you. you'll find most of the time, people won't even say this to you (not to your face ) so why fear it until it actually happens? if it does, you ignore it. carry on.

you're giving yourself excuses so you can't get hurt but at the end of the day, i believe you are what you believe you are. you're going to annoy some people whether it's from being yourself (which you aren't doing, as you're too afraid to) or for not saying anything at all. it's much better to voice your opinion and be hated for it because we all have the right to be included and have our opinions heard no matter what you think or others tell you. after all, we're social creatures and like it or not - we need each other for so many things. we all have our good points which will contribute to society (other than yknow, criminals), that's the beauty of having a variety of people with different personality traits.

if you don't mention how 'annoying' you are, no-one will notice. if you don't BELIEVE it, then people won't believe it either. if you constantly show lack of confidence and continually say to people "oh i must be so annoying" i'm fairly sure they will get annoyed with it. & i know how hard it is to break out of that because our thoughts are so powerful that we believe them. but if you can believe you're annoying, you can also make yourself believe you're worthy of talking other people, which you most definitely are. don't let a few people ruin it for you.

for what it's worth, i've spoke to you a few times and you've never annoyed me at all. i sometimes just leave conversations hanging because I don't want to be the last person to reply or the person to be annoying also there's no problem with being a 'loner' or being friends with only a few people. i have people i talk to but i call 3 of them my real friends and those 3 are the only 3 i open up to. and that's fine. but if you want to be more sociable and make more friends, you have to put yourself out there and show that to the world instead of giving up before you even tried.

and yknow what? my long posts probably annoy the **** out of people. and i'm not gonna apologize for it. so don't apologize for having problems. don't ever apologize for being yourself, especially not to people who don't matter. next time, fight the urge to say it. if its on the internet, simply rub it out. if you have a message you want to give people, then give it and don't worry about what they personally think of you. chances are they don't really care people care more about how they're coming across rather than another person.

[MKR&*42]

how often do you find that OTHER people annoy you by talking to you? its most likely only people who constantly talk to you when you make it obvious that you don't want to talk by not replying or just replying with "k" "no" etc. i've had this problem before and all that happens is you're too scared to do anything at all, you keep yourself closed off because you're worried of the consequences that you end up looking like you don't want to talk to anyone. by doing this, your body language shows off so much negativity and tells others you don't want anyone close by. how can anyone possibly like you if you don't let them in in the first place? it's a vicious cycle but think of it this way;

you walk into a room of new people. there is one friendly, open person who will make you feel comfortable and easy to talk to. there will be another closed off person who makes it seem as though they don't want anyone near them and makes others feel uneasy. this in turn makes you feel like nobody actually does want to talk you and that's exactly what you'll get. like in my school you'd get #1 an unattractive, overweight person but he'd be funny and confident and thus people liked him #2 an unattractive, overweight person with no confidence/rarely talk and would become a bully victim because they wouldn't do/say anything back #3 attractive, confident, popular people #4 attractive people with no confidence who wouldn't be as popular as the other attractive ones. i believe it comes down to how you portray yourself. just have some belief in yourself and if it goes all wrong, at least you tried your best. better that than not try and just miss out.

also you have such a negative though pattern which i can relate to too. you constantly make up excuses for yourself such as "i expect i'm annoying you" so if anyone does say "you're annoying me" you can just say "well, i already said so". i expect that i do annoy people, hell i KNOW i do and sometimes i'm consumed by the thought that they'll tell me i'm annoying and start to hate on me so i end up pushing everyone else away and going into my own little bubble to give them 'space' from me. that's okay time to time but if you're doing this for people who you don't care about or who don't care about you, it's pointless. not everyone is going to like you and you don't need to impress everyone. so if someone says "you're annoying" or whatever else, why bother with them? why do you want to be friends or impress such a person anyway? focus on those who do count and won't push you away or belittle you. you'll find most of the time, people won't even say this to you (not to your face ) so why fear it until it actually happens? if it does, you ignore it. carry on.

you're giving yourself excuses so you can't get hurt but at the end of the day, i believe you are what you believe you are. you're going to annoy some people whether it's from being yourself (which you aren't doing, as you're too afraid to) or for not saying anything at all. it's much better to voice your opinion and be hated for it because we all have the right to be included and have our opinions heard no matter what you think or others tell you. after all, we're social creatures and like it or not - we need each other for so many things. we all have our good points which will contribute to society (other than yknow, criminals), that's the beauty of having a variety of people with different personality traits.

if you don't mention how 'annoying' you are, no-one will notice. if you don't BELIEVE it, then people won't believe it either. if you constantly show lack of confidence and continually say to people "oh i must be so annoying" i'm fairly sure they will get annoyed with it. & i know how hard it is to break out of that because our thoughts are so powerful that we believe them. but if you can believe you're annoying, you can also make yourself believe you're worthy of talking other people, which you most definitely are. don't let a few people ruin it for you.

for what it's worth, i've spoke to you a few times and you've never annoyed me at all. i sometimes just leave conversations hanging because I don't want to be the last person to reply or the person to be annoying also there's no problem with being a 'loner' or being friends with only a few people. i have people i talk to but i call 3 of them my real friends and those 3 are the only 3 i open up to. and that's fine. but if you want to be more sociable and make more friends, you have to put yourself out there and show that to the world instead of giving up before you even tried.

and yknow what? my long posts probably annoy the **** out of people. and i'm not gonna apologize for it. so don't apologize for having problems. don't ever apologize for being yourself, especially not to people who don't matter. next time, fight the urge to say it. if its on the internet, simply rub it out. if you have a message you want to give people, then give it and don't worry about what they personally think of you. chances are they don't really care people care more about how they're coming across rather than another person.

Thank you for typing out such a helpful and large reply Jen .

"but if you're doing this for people who you don't care about or who don't care about you, it's pointless. not everyone is going to like you and you don't need to impress everyone. so if someone says "you're annoying" or whatever else, why bother with them? why do you want to be friends or impress such a person anyway?"

I guess I just don't want anyone to dislike me for anything at all haha, I've been disliked irl a lot in the past (because of a rumour I was gay ._.) so I guess I don't fancy going there again ah. Online, I'd like as many 'friends' as possible. Irl; I'd only have a select few cause I'd find it much easier to make sure I don't annoy a handful as opposed to managing many relationships irl aha. I've altered my personality around countless amounts of people irl ( + occasionally online ) in order to impress/please them. I guess I am fed up of it, but at the same time I do desire friends. The paranoia just occurs with everyone, which sucks haha.

you're going to annoy some people whether it's from being yourself (which you aren't doing, as you're too afraid to) or for not saying anything at all.

Yes, I'm very afraid of being myself (even though I'm not sure **w to define "myself" -i've changed too much that i cant describe my personality) aha. I do tend to the opt for the secluded approach irl, I guess it annoys people as well - a horrible trap to be in I suppose

people care more about how they're coming across rather than another person.

I'm close to the opposite of that aha, guess I'm part of the minority . I care A LOT about other people's feelings, and I genuinely wish other people could see that but I cant force them to believe something. I'd sacrifice everything for a "true" friend, I care very little about myself unless I suspect I'm becoming annoying/a nuisance.

The 1st paragraph sums me up

[Eric]

you're just like me haha. i don't think you're annoying instead you're actually a really outgoing and friendly person. i think jen explained pretty much everything. be yourself and talk to people as much as you want to but tone down and try not to comment on everything. it's better to be yourself than pretending to be someone else that's not you to please the others. you don't need tons of friends to show that you're sociable, 2/3 good friends that you can approach to is enough, i mean i don't even have a true friend irl lol. give yourself some positivity and confidence.

[Demi]

There isn't much more that I can add to all of this but what I can say is that I used to be exactly the same through secondary school...

Even now I sometimes think people really couldn't care what I say to them (includes my girlfriend of 6 months).

In conclusion and the way that I've gotten better is that firstly, be yourself, don't make friends just because you want friend, remember it's better having friends that you can count on your hands then having a million fake friends.

The first step that you have taken, such as this now talking to people about it, will help you a lot.

If you want, PM me with any issues like this and I can help, I've been through quite a lot of issues and I think I could help.

Remember though, we're all different and that's what is amazing about all of us.

[Futz]

since buttons pretty much covered a lot of it so i'm not much ue

I used to be a little like you but I've changed quite a bit over the past few months, you've really got to take a step back and look at what socialising actually is (with male or female), it's a low risk high reward situation, if you get rejected you both lose nothing and you get better at taking rejections and getting better will come with experience, if they like you you've possible got yourself a friend for life, a wife or even just a root

never doubt yourself, how many times have you ever really thought someone was boring, hardly ever 'cause any conversation is usually better than not speaking at all