Memoirs of Pangea

[Roboevil]

Something I'm writing, may give up on it, depends how it goes, I have spent part of the last two months mapping out the whole storyline though...
I'm not really the novelist but I try, we'll say here's what a C in English can accomplish. It looks more than there is, only about 3 A4 pages worth, I have written more but I'll see what people think before I post the rest.
If you're gonna comment, do it on the storyline please.
Good replies get rep :rolleyes: (+7).

--------------------------------------------

The works of a genius

Of course everyone knew that Ktanos were the most stubborn beasts in all of Pangea and to fight one would be utterly foolish. Unfortunately however, this didn’t stop Orion. After being repetitively advised by his trainer Mr. Dunamis, he still felt the need to flaunt his somewhat mediocre skill he’d learnt in 5th level hunting class.
‘Now don’t run too fast Mr. Thereuo, my legs can’t carry me like they use to,’ explained a small bearded man of 50 years. ‘You mother won’t approve of this, these things will have no mercy like in our training, his manners aren’t graceful.’
‘Don’t worry Gramps, I’ve seen the Eremos beasts eat them hundreds of times, it’s a piece of cake,’ replied a gangly teen hopping rather incoordinately through a vine-diseased forest. ‘The fields are just beyond the stream Gramps, the place should be crawling with them.’ Orion’s family didn’t have the finances to send him to a highly educated academy and be trained by the most highly educated professors; instead, he had to make do with being trained by the village priest, Mr. Demitrius Dunamis. As peculiar it may seem, Dunamis wasn’t the most spiritual of men and preferred spending his time influencing his renowned hunting skills to the younger generation of the village. Orion continued running excitingly through the forest until entering the clearing, for a moment he gazed lovingly at a thin stream trickling and winding through a collection of large pellucid rocks leeching within a boulder.
‘They’re beautiful aren’t they, Mr. Thereuo?’ asked Dunamis in his soft, calm voice. ‘I’ve known many to be entranced by it’s awe that they’re useless to prevail.’
‘What are they Gramps?’ replied Orion bewitched by the shimmering mineral. ‘They remind me of mother.’
‘They remind me of her too,’ he answered.
After some quiet pondering, Orion thought he heard a slight grunting sound coming from behind the boulder, quickly dismissed it and prompted Dunamis, ‘It’s getting dark Gramps, can we go back now?’
‘You’ve obviously forgotten the reason why we’re here Mr. Thereuo,’ he said. Disappointingly, the old man raised one of his thick white brows and shook his head lightly; he then knelt down and examined a small pebble on the ground. In disgust however, he threw it away and pulled out a monocle to examine some more of the pebbles and stones on the ground. After some contemplating, archaeologically excavating the earth below him and thoroughly perplexing Orion, he finally jumped up looking very chuffed with a small rock in his hand.
‘Um, Gramps,’ Orion bewilderingly queried, ‘Excuse my manners, but what are you doing?’
‘Ah, my developing genius, watch and learn.’ Dunamis clasped the rock firmly in his wrinkled palms and concentrated on it hard. After a few moments, it began glowing a bright crimson, and ascended above Dunamis’ hands. Orion jumped back in pure admiration and confusion. ‘Watch closely now Mr. Thereuo,’ he said with widening eyes. Unexpectantly and in an instant, the rock hovering above Dunamis’ hands burst into flames as he hurled it behind the boulder where it shattered into an uncontrollable eruption of fire and magma.
The clearing fell silent whilst both Orion and Dunamis waited patiently for a reaction. Then, from behind the boulder a quiet snarl echoed through the forest followed by a bellowing roar. Orion began trembling within the clearing whilst Dunamis stepped back behind some shrubs.
‘W-where are you going Gramps,’ trembled Orion as he began breathing heavily. ‘Ktanos’ aren’t usually this big!’
The mysterious creature cried out once more and slowly emerged from behind the boulder. Orion, in sheer purification fixated himself onto the beast, it stood almost double the height of the boy and was surely angered by it’s interruption with it’s past amusement. ‘Why did you aggravate it G-gramps?’ The beast lowered it’s head to reveal two pincered horns resting on it’s brow. Unfortunately, be known to Orion, Dunamis had known all along the sheer size of the beast but was reluctant to exclaim.
‘Be prepared now,’ Dunamis explained, ‘You can’t let it take the first blow, be strong, manoeuvre, strategise and confuse it,’ he continued. The beast let out a roar, snuffed blazes from his nostrils and started scuffing the ground with it‘s feet.
‘It’s going to charge Mr. Thereuo, please hurry yourself,’ Dunamis worryingly explained. ‘Do something quickly my boy, he won’t be hard to take down, he only just has a lot of defence. Try to get him in the neck.’ Terrifyingly, Orion let out a screech as the beast charged toward him scorching fire from it’s mouth. The world around slowly dissipated into an empty void of darkness.

From the depths.

The water is an icy cold. ‘Where am I?’ he asked himself, ‘what are these wires coming from me?’ He was alone in a room full of glass and liquids, floating within a tank. ‘The wires hurt, I can feel their energy coursing through my veins… But why!?’ He thumped against the side of the container in anger and bewilderment. It began to crack, and the water streamed through. After another attempt, the sides smashed and he collapsed to the floor, ripping the wires and supports.
Without a breathe, he lay, confused, bruised and naked. A voice murmured from the room outside, a deep, calm voice spoke.
‘We saw his first movements this morning, we’re still unsure what genotype he could be, we have the technology to change that though. He will be with here soon, send for my wife, we must prepare.’
‘H-help,’ lying near unconscious on the floor, he used all energy to cry for help. The reminding chards of the tank behind him caved in and shattered around him.
‘Hello…’ Said the voice outside, the door slammed open and a lizard like creature clambered inside, avoiding the razor glass smothering the floor. ‘Delta,’ he cried running towards the body, ‘Banner, he shouted, call for the others immediately.’
Everything began to darken around him, shadowy figures all scrambled into the room, but they were too hard to make out as he fell unconscious, slipping back into the depths of the unknown.

-----x

‘Orion?’ cried a voice, ‘wake up Orion, your father and Mr. Dunamis is here.’ Orion slowly awakened, back into the hospital ward. Dunamis and a woman was standing above him. His father walked into the ward, pinstriped, clasping a briefcase. He rested the case onto a table and held his sons hand.
‘We were worried sick.’ he claimed.
‘It’s been three days since you went,’ Dunamis said, he was very concerned and cared gratefully for Orion. ‘I’m sorry about that Ktanos, I stand by the fact that I still think you’re physically capable of taking on a large bull like that one, but it seems you’re psychologically inapt to engage.
‘What happened?’ asked Orion.
‘Why it attacked you poor child, the Ktanos!’ Replied Dunamis, ‘don’t worry yourself, everything is all sorted out, the nurse issued the medicine to be delivered here when you first got hit, it should be here any mo-’
‘But,’ Orion persisted.
‘You should rest Mr. Thereuo, both me and your father have duties to attend to, you should rest.’ And on that note, Dunamis and Orion’s father both left him to a deep slumber.
After some pleasant dreaming of Orion’s mother and him, he woke early into the next morning, it was dark in the ward with only a thin stream of sun silk light cascading through the blinds at the window.
‘Orion?’ Asked a calm voice from outside of the room. ‘Are you awake now?’ The door opened and a dumpy lady with her hair tied into a bun entered the room with a small trolley. She wheeled it up against Orion’s bed and began mixing some small bottles containing different coloured liquids.
‘There you go,’ she said offering Orion a vile filled with an ebony fluid. Orion took the bottle and gulped it down.
‘That’s rancid!’ He cried spitting it out, ‘what is it?’
The nurse tittered lightly. ‘Come on, take it all,’ she replied. Orion consumed the rest of it with a squirm. ‘Sorry about the delay Orion, we didn’t mean for it to come so late. You should rest for a few more minutes and then you’re free to go.’
The hospital was a few miles away from the village. Orion had to walk through the market to get it, he said his farewells to the nurses and continued down a small gravel road from the hospital towards the market.

[MattUH]

erm woah thats alot of txt to read, care to break it down? ^_^

[FlyingJesus]

Lookin' good to me, well written and very imaginative. I like how you've placed modern technology/lifestyle (hospital, businessman father, informal dialect) with more traditional life (villages, hunting, religious teachers), it could work very well if you can pull it off. Certainly looks interesting as it is, hope you can keep it up ^_^

[Pawf]

Lookin' good to me, well written and very imaginative. I like how you've placed modern technology/lifestyle (hospital, businessman father, informal dialect) with more traditional life (villages, hunting, religious teachers), it could work very well if you can pull it off. Certainly looks interesting as it is, hope you can keep it up ^_^

I agree, but I also liked to focus on the language (even though you said not to) and I think it's very intricate and well structured; although, in places, you have overly complicated a word.

eg "After being repetitively advised"would work just as well written "After being repeatedly advised".

[dani342us]

Well, there is alot of grammar errors, just fix that and it will be perfect. I like it.

[Roboevil]

OoOo People decided to care, thankyou. I would like to point out that this is only the first draft, I am planning to re-write it again as I've chosen alot more storyline to be included and things to take out. Could you point out the grammar errors please? There are things I hate, mostly description, had a bit of a writers block in some places, +Rep to all, I'll post the rest, or the newly written first chapter later or something, thankyou.

[FlyingJesus]

The works of a genius

Of course everyone knew that Ktanos were the most stubborn beasts in all of Pangea and to fight one would be utterly foolish. Unfortunately however, this didn’t stop Orion. After being repetitively(repeatedly) advised by his trainer Mr. Dunamis, he still felt the need to flaunt his somewhat mediocre skill he’d learnt in 5th level hunting class.
‘Now don’t run too fast Mr. Thereuo, my legs can’t carry me like they use(used) to,’ explained a small bearded man of 50 years. ‘You(Your) mother won’t approve of this, these things will have no mercy like in our training, his manners aren’t graceful.’
‘Don’t worry Gramps, I’ve seen the Eremos beasts eat them hundreds of times, it’s a piece of cake,’ replied a gangly teen hopping rather incoordinately(not sure about this one) through a vine-diseased forest. ‘The fields are just beyond the stream Gramps, the place should be crawling with them.’ Orion’s family didn’t have the finances to send him to a highly educated academy and be trained by the most highly educated professors; instead, he had to make do with being trained by the village priest, Mr. Demitrius Dunamis. As peculiar it may seem, Dunamis wasn’t the most spiritual of men and preferred spending his time influencing his renowned hunting skills to the younger generation of the village. Orion continued running excitingly(excitedly) through the forest until(before) entering the clearing, (and) for a moment he gazed lovingly at a thin stream trickling and winding through a collection of large pellucid rocks leeching within a boulder.
‘They’re beautiful aren’t they, Mr. Thereuo?’ asked Dunamis in his soft, calm voice. ‘I’ve known many to be entranced by it’s awe that they’re useless to prevail.’
‘What are they Gramps?’ replied Orion bewitched by the shimmering mineral. ‘They remind me of mother.’
‘They remind me of her too,’ he answered.
After some quiet pondering, Orion thought he heard a slight grunting sound coming from behind the boulder, quickly dismissed it and prompted Dunamis, ‘It’s getting dark Gramps, can we go back now?’
‘You’ve obviously forgotten the reason why we’re here Mr. Thereuo,’ he said. Disappointingly(Disappointedly), the old man raised one of his thick white brows and shook his head lightly; he then knelt down and examined a small pebble on the ground. In disgust however, he threw it away and pulled out a monocle to examine some more of the pebbles and stones on the ground. After some contemplating, archaeologically excavating the earth below him and thoroughly perplexing Orion, he finally jumped up looking very chuffed with a small rock in his hand.
‘Um, Gramps,’ Orion bewilderingly queried(queried bewilderdly), ‘Excuse my manners, but what are you doing?’
‘Ah, my developing genius, watch and learn.’ Dunamis clasped the rock firmly in his wrinkled palms and concentrated on it hard. After a few moments, it began glowing a bright crimson, and ascended above Dunamis’ hands. Orion jumped back in pure admiration and confusion. ‘Watch closely now Mr. Thereuo,’ he said with widening eyes. Unexpectantly and in an instant, the rock hovering above Dunamis’ hands burst into flames as he hurled it behind the boulder where it shattered into an uncontrollable eruption of fire and magma.
The clearing fell silent whilst both Orion and Dunamis waited patiently for a reaction. Then, from behind the boulder a quiet snarl echoed through the forest followed by a bellowing roar. Orion began trembling within the clearing whilst Dunamis stepped back behind some shrubs.
‘W-where are you going Gramps,’ trembled Orion as he began breathing heavily. ‘Ktanos’ aren’t usually this big!’
The mysterious creature cried out once more and slowly emerged from behind the boulder. Orion, in sheer purification(doesn't seem to fit, maybe petrification?) fixated himself onto the beast, it stood almost double the height of the boy and was surely angered by it’s interruption with it’s(its) past amusement. ‘Why did you aggravate it G-gramps?’ The beast lowered it’s head to reveal two pincered horns resting on it’s brow. Unfortunately, be known(unbeknown) to Orion, Dunamis had known all along the sheer size of the beast but was reluctant to exclaim.
‘Be prepared now,’ Dunamis explained, ‘You can’t let it take the first blow, be strong, manoeuvre, strategise and confuse it,’ he continued. The beast let out a roar, snuffed blazes from his nostrils and started scuffing the ground with it‘s feet.
‘It’s going to charge Mr. Thereuo, please hurry yourself,’ Dunamis worryingly explained. ‘Do something quickly my boy, he won’t be hard to take down, he only just has a lot of defence. Try to get him in the neck.’ Terrifyingly(Terrified), Orion let out a screech as the beast charged toward him (with) scorching fire (coming/erupting/spilling) from it’s(its) mouth. The world around slowly dissipated into an empty void of darkness.

From the depths.

The water is an icy cold. ‘Where am I?’ he asked himself, ‘what are these wires coming from me?’ He was alone in a room full of glass and liquids, floating within a tank. ‘The wires hurt, I can feel their energy coursing through my veins… But why!?’ He thumped against the side of the container in anger and bewilderment. It began to crack, and the water streamed through. After another attempt, the sides smashed and he collapsed to the floor, ripping the wires and supports.
Without a breathe(breath), he lay, confused, bruised and naked. A voice murmured from the room outside, a deep, calm voice spoke.
‘We saw his first movements this morning, we’re still unsure what genotype he could be, we have the technology to change that though. He will be with here soon, send for my wife, we must prepare.’
‘H-help,’ lying near unconscious on the floor, he used all energy to cry for help. The reminding chards(remaining shards) of the tank behind him caved in and shattered around him.
‘Hello…’ Said the voice outside, the door slammed open and a lizard like creature clambered inside, avoiding the razor glass smothering the floor. ‘Delta,’ he cried running towards the body, ‘Banner, he shouted, call for the others immediately.’
Everything began to darken around him, shadowy figures all scrambled into the room, but they were too hard to make out as he fell unconscious, slipping back into the depths of the unknown.

-----x

‘Orion?’ cried a voice, ‘wake up Orion, your father and Mr. Dunamis is(are) here.’ Orion slowly awakened, back into the hospital ward. Dunamis and a woman was(were) standing above him. His father walked into the ward, pinstriped, clasping a briefcase. He rested the case onto(on) a table and held his sons(son's) hand.
‘We were worried sick.’ he claimed.
‘It’s been three days since you went,’ Dunamis said, he was very concerned and cared gratefully for Orion. ‘I’m sorry about that Ktanos, I stand by the fact that I still think you’re physically capable of taking on a large bull like that one, but it seems you’re psychologically inapt(inept) to engage.
‘What happened?’ asked Orion.
‘Why it attacked you poor child, the Ktanos!’ Replied Dunamis, ‘don’t worry yourself, everything is all sorted out, the nurse issued the medicine to be delivered here when you first got hit, it should be here any mo-’
‘But,’ Orion persisted.
‘You should rest Mr. Thereuo, both me and your father have duties to attend to, you should rest.’ And on that note, Dunamis and Orion’s father both left him to a deep slumber.
After some pleasant dreaming of Orion’s mother and him, he woke early into the next morning, it was dark in the ward with only a thin stream of sun silk light cascading through the blinds at the window.
‘Orion?’ Asked a calm voice from outside of the room. ‘Are you awake now?’ The door opened and a dumpy lady with her hair tied into a bun entered the room with a small trolley. She wheeled it up against Orion’s bed and began mixing some small bottles containing different coloured liquids.
‘There you go,’ she said offering Orion a vile(vial) filled with an ebony fluid. Orion took the bottle and gulped it down.
‘That’s rancid!’ He cried spitting it out, ‘what is it?’
The nurse tittered lightly. ‘Come on, take it all,’ she replied. Orion consumed the rest of it with a squirm. ‘Sorry about the delay Orion, we didn’t mean for it to come so late. You should rest for a few more minutes and then you’re free to go.’
The hospital was a few miles away from the village. Orion had to walk through the market to get it, he said his farewells to the nurses and continued down a small gravel road from the hospital towards the market.

Remember, with "its/it's", you only only have the apostrophe if you mean "it is". Unlike "Orion's" where the apostrophe shows ownership, with its, ours, yours, theirs there is no apostrophe. No reason why really, just the English language being nice and complicated.

[Roboevil]

Thankyou, most of them are typos anyway, the bewilderingly blah blah will be changed as it's a vile way to say something. Thankyou anyway, I'll re-rep when I can.

[bingoking]

wow, good story, bit long

[Zuex]

Hmm, i've got a feeling im going to get real bad grades, i can never do something as great as that, mind you, i still got most of my life ahead of me.

Nice attempt :eusa_danc