The Enchanted Skull..

[KevSays]

This is a story I had written for English not too long ago actually..

It got me a Level -7, which is good considering I'm only 12..

Read and enjoy, guys!

The Enchanted Skull

“Quick!” whispered Gordon, “He’s going to catch us”. Anyone with sense could of realised he was worried. But who was I to blame? I was equally as scared. I was hurriedly routing my Maths’ teacher’s desk, looking for my report card; I knew I’d done alright in Maths this year, I suppose I was just eager to see what grade he’d given me. One of my flaws was that I was impatient. “Got it” I cried, with relief. Excitedly, I opened the envelope to see that I had managed an A-. I quickly shoved my report card and various other items into the desk drawer, but then a gleaming light caught my eye, I made a grab for the object which was producing the light. Missed. I

Tried again and managed to get hold of the object using my fingertips. Then, reluctantly, I slipped it into my left pocket. “Come on, let’s get out of here!” urged Gordon, now reaching for the door-handle. I followed him and walked out of the classroom, casually and cautiously.



“What exactly did you take out of Mr.Runcorn’s desk?” questioned Gordon, his vivid green eyes studying me carefully. Gordon was tall and lanky, pale and had distinctive ginger hair. He was my best friend and had been since kindergarten. And yet I was the complete opposite, small and chubby, darkly tanned and sandy blonde hair. We were on the swings in the park, spring was just around the corner, there was a faint scent of flowers in the air; on days like these I appreciated living in Detroit. “I don’t know”, I replied “I didn’t manage to get a long look at it, so I suppose it could be anything, I’ll check it out more tonight”. “I’ll come over!” insisted Gordon. I nodded, half-listening, half-watching a gang mugging an old woman across the street. Muggings were too common in Detroit for me to be bothered about it. There was no way I was going to prevent it anyway, even if I tried - two 14 year olds against five 22 year olds - probably with weapons, fat chance. The woman gingerly got back on here feet and staggered out of sight. “I’m going home”, I muttered, getting to off the swing. “See you later”, called Gordon.



A few hours later, the doorbell went. I opened the door and Gordon was standing there under the porch light. “Hey, Joe”, he said. “Hey”, I replied. “Can I come in?” asked Gordon. “Err, yeah, sure”, I answered. We trudged up to my room and entered. Gordon ran up to the bed and jumped on to it. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your room is totally awesome”, Gordon exclaimed excitedly. “Thanks” I said, for some strange reason Gordon had always liked my room, then my daschund Beef plodded into the room, a sad expression carved on to his face. Beef then placed himself on to the bed, next to Gordon. Annoyed that there were no more spaces on the bed I launched myself into my bean-bag. “Where’s the thingy?” pestered Gordon, I knew at once what he was talking about. I reached into my jeans I had been wearing when I found the object and then pulled it out and threw it to Gordon. “Weird, huh?”

I questioned, he nodded his head in agreement. He handed me the object back, “It looks like a skull to me” Gordon said, looking up at the ceiling. I began to put the skull-shaped object back into my jeans pocket but it started to pulsate. “What the - ?” I moaned. In less than a millisecond the skull had increased rapidly in size. After what seemed to be an eternity the skull had crushed Beef, Gordon and me into a small area of the room. “There’s something you don’t see everyday”, Gordon exclaimed, grinning uncertainly. The room started to twist and turn in a clockwise fashion. And then a beam of light blinded me for a few minutes. I then heard a deep, cold voice chant something foreign, and the light suddenly stopped. After my eyes had adjusted correctly again I looked around and found I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore but in a distant land far from Detroit, far from Earth. I looked around several times, before realising what the problem was. Gordon was missing. Dread swept over me like a tidal wave on a stormy day. My arms suddenly felt heavy I looked down hopefully, but, found Beef whimpering, his face buried in my chest. I tried to calm him down, but nothing worked, so I got up and started to walk in one direction, Beef followed. I walked for hours on end before coming to something. The something was a door. I pulled the handle and it turned out to be locked, so I kicked it. It took three kicks to get it down. I walked through the debris of the broken door and saw a huge, leather armchair placed by a warm, crackling fire. I cautiously walked up to the armchair and spun it around.



I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out, I was looking into the face of evil, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. But then the face started to look familiar. “Mr, Mr, Mr -”, I stuttered. “Yes it is I, Mr.Runcorn.” Mr.Runcorn finished for me. “What are you doing here?” I nervously asked him. “You know damn right why I am here!” his pale blue eyes boring into me, “You stole my most valuable possession!” he continued; “You stole the Enchanted Skull!” he glared at me, with innermost hatred.

“I was curious, I didn’t know it was evil”, I gasped. He then grinned at me, the kind of grin people who wear strait jackets have. “Fool, to any but the beholder it is evil!” his harsh laugh paining me every time. “Now, you have a choice, you can either go back to your normal life, with no memory of my existence or his”, he pointed to a shadow on the floor, I looked closely and found it was Gordon, “Or you can sacrifice your own life for him, but be assured he will have no memory of your existence, in case you were curious” he finished. “What about Beef?” I questioned. “Your canine, if you choose either, will be reborn” Mr.Runcorn answered. At the sight of Gordon lying unconscious on the ground I couldn’t help wanting to save his life, but that would mean I’d have to die for him. “Can I have a think about it?” I pestered Mr.Runcorn.

He nodded, “But the clock is ticking ever more” he called. I moved over to Gordon and crouched down, I looked into his closed eyes, I suddenly felt proud to have known him. I then looked at Beef, his big, round eyes gazing into mine as if to say:

“Whatever you choose, Gordon and I will be supporting you every step of the way”

I had made up my decision. “Well?” asked Mr.Runcorn, sounding impatient. “Have you decided yet?”, “Oh, I’ve decided” I replied boldly, “Well, what is your choice?” he questioned me. “To have my revenge on the beholder, as you so vainly called yourself”. I cried, impressed at my own courage. “What?!” he shouted. “You heard I want to fight!” I bawled. “Ha-ha! You will never win!” he screeched. “Try me!” I challenged.



I was ready to pounce. Like a cat on a bird, like a tiger on a zebra. I ran up to him and hit him hard in the chest, he regained energy almost immediately and punched me hard in the face and I could taste blood. I looked into his eyes and kicked him hard in the neck. He fell; I ran over to the fire and grabbed a log that was alight. I stared into his fearful eyes; he knew I was capable of doing what I was thinking of doing. I hadn’t noticed what he was doing, and by the time I had noticed I could feel a sharp pain in my left side. He’d inserted a long, rusty knife into my body. With my last strength I threw the log of fire on to his face and stayed awake to see a body fall to the ground. Then, I collapsed.



“Joe! Joe!” I heard someone shout, I didn’t want to open my eyes but I couldn’t keep it up forever. I gazed into a beam of light, my insides tightened; I was going to relive my nightmare again. “He lives!!” I heard a familiar voice. I sat up at that moment and looked into the eyes of Gordon; he was alive and well, with an enormous smile spread across his face. “Hey!” he said softly. “Hey” I whispered. “Don’t give up now” he urged, I shook my head, “No, I have to go. I’m ecstatic that we were friends, but, honestly, it’s my time to go, and I accept that. I’ve given a too big a fight to realise that. Just go be friends with someone else, and don’t tell them about anything. Nothing whatsoever. Ok?” He smiled at me, “Ok”. After being reassured that none of this was going to get out. I closed my eyes. But didn’t open them again.

[Yayse]

wow i really like it, it kinda leaves u on a cliffhanger... like ok... yes... well!! whats going to happen? lol :p i also like that fact the stories very well told, u dont even get to know the boy's name until the end. altho i don't normally go for sci-fi/ fantasy i have to say this is brill

[_Olam_]

As far as spelling, sense and punctuation goes, you're impressive - especially considering your age.

You do what I do a lot however, which is making endless similes/metaphors that sound artistic but don't really add to the feel or mental image of the story. In the end they just become annoying if the reader can't relate them to the story in a mental picture. For example, a tiger pouncing on a zebra is very different to a man thumping another in the chest. When I think of a tiger pouncing on a zebra I'm drawn to the claws and the blood - neither happens when a man thumps another man.

There are the odd phrases that are hard to read too, for example in the first paragraph:

I was hurriedly routing my Maths’ teacher’s desk, looking for my report card

You mean routing THROUGH?

Anyone with sense could of realised he was worried. But who was I to blame?

'Who was I to talk' would be better, 'blame' makes it appear someone is blaming you for something.

Also check your use of semi colons. A semi colon traditionally denotes a 'therefore':
The crocodile ate the man; the man is dead.

But other than those comparably minor issues, it was a good story. Obviously if it was just for an assignment and you weren't writing for perfection, then you wouldn't go rigidly checking through it all.

I have to say, I found the ending a disappointment. 'Just find another friend ok?' - could've been a bit more profound. The storyline did seem a bit... silly at times.

(Sorry if I appear overly critical, I'm checking through my own novel at the moment and doing very much the same thing heh...)

[KevSays]

Thanks for your help Yayse and Olam...

If you found it kinda blunt/bried whatever..it's 'cause we had to write it all in 6 pages on our A5 page book or type it on computer in 3 A4 pages.

Thanks for comments though...

[Bikez]

This is a story I had written for English not too long ago actually..

It got me a Level -7, which is good considering I'm only 12..

Read and enjoy, guys!

The Enchanted Skull

“Quick!” whispered Gordon, “He’s going to catch us”. Anyone with sense could of realised he was worried. But who was I to blame? I was equally as scared. I was hurriedly routing my Maths’ teacher’s desk, looking for my report card; I knew I’d done alright in Maths this year, I suppose I was just eager to see what grade he’d given me. One of my flaws was that I was impatient. “Got it” I cried, with relief. Excitedly, I opened the envelope to see that I had managed an A-. I quickly shoved my report card and various other items into the desk drawer, but then a gleaming light caught my eye, I made a grab for the object which was producing the light. Missed. I

Tried again and managed to get hold of the object using my fingertips. Then, reluctantly, I slipped it into my left pocket. “Come on, let’s get out of here!” urged Gordon, now reaching for the door-handle. I followed him and walked out of the classroom, casually and cautiously.



“What exactly did you take out of Mr.Runcorn’s desk?” questioned Gordon, his vivid green eyes studying me carefully. Gordon was tall and lanky, pale and had distinctive ginger hair. He was my best friend and had been since kindergarten. And yet I was the complete opposite, small and chubby, darkly tanned and sandy blonde hair. We were on the swings in the park, spring was just around the corner, there was a faint scent of flowers in the air; on days like these I appreciated living in Detroit. “I don’t know”, I replied “I didn’t manage to get a long look at it, so I suppose it could be anything, I’ll check it out more tonight”. “I’ll come over!” insisted Gordon. I nodded, half-listening, half-watching a gang mugging an old woman across the street. Muggings were too common in Detroit for me to be bothered about it. There was no way I was going to prevent it anyway, even if I tried - two 14 year olds against five 22 year olds - probably with weapons, fat chance. The woman gingerly got back on here feet and staggered out of sight. “I’m going home”, I muttered, getting to off the swing. “See you later”, called Gordon.



A few hours later, the doorbell went. I opened the door and Gordon was standing there under the porch light. “Hey, Joe”, he said. “Hey”, I replied. “Can I come in?” asked Gordon. “Err, yeah, sure”, I answered. We trudged up to my room and entered. Gordon ran up to the bed and jumped on to it. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your room is totally awesome”, Gordon exclaimed excitedly. “Thanks” I said, for some strange reason Gordon had always liked my room, then my daschund Beef plodded into the room, a sad expression carved on to his face. Beef then placed himself on to the bed, next to Gordon. Annoyed that there were no more spaces on the bed I launched myself into my bean-bag. “Where’s the thingy?” pestered Gordon, I knew at once what he was talking about. I reached into my jeans I had been wearing when I found the object and then pulled it out and threw it to Gordon. “Weird, huh?”

I questioned, he nodded his head in agreement. He handed me the object back, “It looks like a skull to me” Gordon said, looking up at the ceiling. I began to put the skull-shaped object back into my jeans pocket but it started to pulsate. “What the - ?” I moaned. In less than a millisecond the skull had increased rapidly in size. After what seemed to be an eternity the skull had crushed Beef, Gordon and me into a small area of the room. “There’s something you don’t see everyday”, Gordon exclaimed, grinning uncertainly. The room started to twist and turn in a clockwise fashion. And then a beam of light blinded me for a few minutes. I then heard a deep, cold voice chant something foreign, and the light suddenly stopped. After my eyes had adjusted correctly again I looked around and found I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore but in a distant land far from Detroit, far from Earth. I looked around several times, before realising what the problem was. Gordon was missing. Dread swept over me like a tidal wave on a stormy day. My arms suddenly felt heavy I looked down hopefully, but, found Beef whimpering, his face buried in my chest. I tried to calm him down, but nothing worked, so I got up and started to walk in one direction, Beef followed. I walked for hours on end before coming to something. The something was a door. I pulled the handle and it turned out to be locked, so I kicked it. It took three kicks to get it down. I walked through the debris of the broken door and saw a huge, leather armchair placed by a warm, crackling fire. I cautiously walked up to the armchair and spun it around.



I opened my mouth to scream but no sound came out, I was looking into the face of evil, and it wasn’t a pretty sight. But then the face started to look familiar. “Mr, Mr, Mr -”, I stuttered. “Yes it is I, Mr.Runcorn.” Mr.Runcorn finished for me. “What are you doing here?” I nervously asked him. “You know damn right why I am here!” his pale blue eyes boring into me, “You stole my most valuable possession!” he continued; “You stole the Enchanted Skull!” he glared at me, with innermost hatred.

“I was curious, I didn’t know it was evil”, I gasped. He then grinned at me, the kind of grin people who wear strait jackets have. “Fool, to any but the beholder it is evil!” his harsh laugh paining me every time. “Now, you have a choice, you can either go back to your normal life, with no memory of my existence or his”, he pointed to a shadow on the floor, I looked closely and found it was Gordon, “Or you can sacrifice your own life for him, but be assured he will have no memory of your existence, in case you were curious” he finished. “What about Beef?” I questioned. “Your canine, if you choose either, will be reborn” Mr.Runcorn answered. At the sight of Gordon lying unconscious on the ground I couldn’t help wanting to save his life, but that would mean I’d have to die for him. “Can I have a think about it?” I pestered Mr.Runcorn.

He nodded, “But the clock is ticking ever more” he called. I moved over to Gordon and crouched down, I looked into his closed eyes, I suddenly felt proud to have known him. I then looked at Beef, his big, round eyes gazing into mine as if to say:

“Whatever you choose, Gordon and I will be supporting you every step of the way”

I had made up my decision. “Well?” asked Mr.Runcorn, sounding impatient. “Have you decided yet?”, “Oh, I’ve decided” I replied boldly, “Well, what is your choice?” he questioned me. “To have my revenge on the beholder, as you so vainly called yourself”. I cried, impressed at my own courage. “What?!” he shouted. “You heard I want to fight!” I bawled. “Ha-ha! You will never win!” he screeched. “Try me!” I challenged.



I was ready to pounce. Like a cat on a bird, like a tiger on a zebra. I ran up to him and hit him hard in the chest, he regained energy almost immediately and punched me hard in the face and I could taste blood. I looked into his eyes and kicked him hard in the neck. He fell; I ran over to the fire and grabbed a log that was alight. I stared into his fearful eyes; he knew I was capable of doing what I was thinking of doing. I hadn’t noticed what he was doing, and by the time I had noticed I could feel a sharp pain in my left side. He’d inserted a long, rusty knife into my body. With my last strength I threw the log of fire on to his face and stayed awake to see a body fall to the ground. Then, I collapsed.



“Joe! Joe!” I heard someone shout, I didn’t want to open my eyes but I couldn’t keep it up forever. I gazed into a beam of light, my insides tightened; I was going to relive my nightmare again. “He lives!!” I heard a familiar voice. I sat up at that moment and looked into the eyes of Gordon; he was alive and well, with an enormous smile spread across his face. “Hey!” he said softly. “Hey” I whispered. “Don’t give up now” he urged, I shook my head, “No, I have to go. I’m ecstatic that we were friends, but, honestly, it’s my time to go, and I accept that. I’ve given a too big a fight to realise that. Just go be friends with someone else, and don’t tell them about anything. Nothing whatsoever. Ok?” He smiled at me, “Ok”. After being reassured that none of this was going to get out. I closed my eyes. But didn’t open them again.

Very good 9/10

[KevSays]

Ty for the compliment Bikez...


And thnk you everyone who commented..

[Bikez]

Np :p You rock

[KevSays]

I know Bikez, I know..

Thanks!

[_Olam_]

I was wrong about semi colons by the way, they have TWO uses. One is to denote a 'therefore' clause, the other is a sort of half comma half full stop device, generally just to split a sentence up so that one is the cause of the other.