Trouble In The Jungle...

[Jinxxed]

Well here is the first of three parts...

Trouble in the Jungle...

Rick and Ian were not your average guys. They were faster, tougher and more deadlier. Each of them had been assigned to the same mission. To get into the Jungle, and destroy it. The destruction of the Jungle did not really matter to them. It didn't matter because if the mission was completed, they both would be a great deal richer. Their trek had begun in the early heats of the morning. Mosquitos and flies hung around them like poisonous gases, refusing to go away, and all the while they were being slowed down by the two, heavy parts that would create the bomb. The growth and vegetation got thicker and thicker the deeper they went. Rick pulled out a grubby map from his survival pack and pointed to the blue "X" - their destination.
"Were almost there" he quietly muttered.
And as he spoke those words, because he was not looking where he was going, he stepped into a gluey part of land. He instanly knew what it was. The quicksand would su.ck him deeper and further sown into the ground and he would become trapped and would suffocate if he was not helped. He called out to Ian for help and Ian instantly rushed over, picking up a large branch.
"Take this" he said.
Rick reached out and pulled the rough thing. He already had both of his legs su.ck.ed down and his waist would be next. Tighter and tighter he gripped, but he wouldn't budge. Beads of sweat formed and slid down his forehead as his chest slipped under, another minute and he would be gone. He silently cursed himself for not being careful enough and pulled with all his might. Snap! The branch Ian has stretched out to him had snapped. Rick knew not to struggle and panic as that would sink him deeper, but he couldn't help it and squirmed and kicked. His left arm slowly sank under with his neck and his mouth was aimed at the sky, suc.king in all the air he possibly could. Ian looked on in despair and knew what he had to do. He turned his back on the struggling Rick and ran off into the concealing undergrowth leaving his companion and his death sentence behind...

[ignitionhost]

Very good, but some things...

And as he spoke those words, because he was not looking where he was going, he stepped into a gluey part of land. Change the word order, and maybe not "gluey part of land." I'd write..

Suddenly, he found he was sinking, slower and slower, he was trapped in sinking sand, he had trained how to manage the current situation. He called to....

Would be a better that's my opinion, anyway.
9/10.

Also,

"Take this" he said.
Rick reached out and pulled the rough thing

Maybe, it should change to something on the lines of,

Andy placed the branch by ricks hand
"Take this" he said
Rick grasped the branch, and pulled with all his might, however it didn't have any affect...

Just my opinion

[Jinxxed]

Very good, but some things...

And as he spoke those words, because he was not looking where he was going, he stepped into a gluey part of land. Change the word order, and maybe not "gluey part of land." I'd write..

Suddenly, he found he was sinking, slower and slower, he was trapped in sinking sand, he had trained how to manage the current situation. He called to....

Would be a better that's my opinion, anyway.
9/10.

I didn't exactly know how to phrase that part, thanks for your suggestion

[ignitionhost]

I get like that when i'm writing novels, read my second edited part aswell.

[Jinxxed]

Take this" he said.
Rick reached out and pulled the rough thing

Maybe, it should change to something on the lines of,

Andy placed the branch by ricks hand
"Take this" he said
Rick grasped the branch, and pulled with all his might, however it didn't have any affect...

Just my opinion

Thanks for that too.
Oh and btw it's Ian not Andy :p

[ignitionhost]

Ahh right, lol .
Are they liek tuff nuts? Workign for terrorists or something?

The one problem i always have, and i think you'r going to have it aswell, is i always start realy good opening chapters for storys, that grasp the readers arrention by using action. Then i get stuck and don't know what to write.

What's going to happen next, one guys already dead, i predict, he'll get to this place, but there'll be trouble on the way, eg. people attacking him. He could maybe find a lost co - worker, who died on the same mission he's doing, a couple of months ago.

[Jinxxed]

Ahh right, lol .
Are they liek tuff nuts? Workign for terrorists or something?

The one problem i always have, and i think you'r going to have it aswell, is i always start realy good opening chapters for storys, that grasp the readers arrention by using action. Then i get stuck and don't know what to write.

What's going to happen next, one guys already dead, i predict, he'll get to this place, but there'll be trouble on the way, eg. people attacking him. He could maybe find a lost co - worker, who died on the same mission he's doing, a couple of months ago.

1.) They are "tuff nuts".
2.) I might get stuck, I'll have to wait and see.
3.) You were right about the people attacking him.

[ignitionhost]

Lol. Cool, how much have you done so far? Any more? i can't wait for the rest

[Jinxxed]

I'm writing the next part(s) now.

i can't wait for the rest

/\
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Your'e joking right? :p