Funny Air Traffic Control quotes.

[Scania]

Just browsing the aviation forums as you do on another website; lol, I doubled over when I read some of these. People who are not very familiar with aviation may not get the funny side of it, or understand it.

Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."


Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"

Just something that fueled my humour for today ^^

[xxMATTGxx]

There pretty funny =]

[myke]

Matt had to explain the last one to me

actually.. quite a few of them lmao.
I like the dc-8 one

[Cavaz]

haha the dc-8 parts and 747 hittin made me LOL

[Jordan,]

the 747 hitting was funning

[J-P-C]

LOL! i think to work in that kind of environment you must have some sort of sense of humour! the gatwick one made me laugh!!!!

[Adam!]

They are funny!

A few I've heard in real life while flying.. Not as funny as them, but still made me chukkle.

"Golf lima bravo report your position?"
"Ummm abeam the Humber Bridge"
"Ahhh, £2.50 please, can I have the long number across your card"

"Police XXXX request lower"
"Police XXXX roger, decend not below 500ft, caution hilly terrain"
"not below 500ft, just to let you know we're in persuit of a car down XXXX avenue"
"I don't have an A-Z map, just the town your over will do me fine, wait.. I have a radar!!!"

[VPSwow]

Lmao a few of them are good

[le harry]

.......what

[GommeInc]

I love the last one. "You forgot the beer!!!"