Some song lyrics [WIP]

[clueless]

that i made up like last night lol
i havnt got a melody yet so i havnt worked out what will be chorus etc so im not finished im sure ill add lots more but this is it so far

Her lips were matching perfect to the colour of her skin
Despite the nights in town she would let no one in
To the abandoned part to the inside of her heart
Finding it would be corking the dart

The lads shout more as she struts across the floor
But they’ll never score when she vanishes out the door
To them shes just some *****y little *****
While inside leaves a heart , a heart bleeding raw

Just not what you expect a different person down inside
Smiling, posing, laughing, joking , just in order to hide
But it won’t matter how many times she’s tried
It wont cover up for the tears she’s cried

Waste away the days, its just too late to undo
The easy reputation she got trapped into
One day her shredded act will become explicit, see through
We’ll wait for that day to come, and there’s nothing she can do

Please be honest like dont jst b like dey r gd blah blah coz i really want some good feedback on how to improve
dont hesitate to tell me they are **** lmao

thanks!

[clueless]

any comments?????

[-K8T!E-]

I LOVED the lyrics.

[Toughened]

I'll try and give my comment on each verse for improvements.

Her lips were matching perfect to the colour of her skin
Despite the nights in town she would let no one in
To the abandoned part to the inside of her heart
Finding it would be corking the dart

The first two lines in this are perfect and open the song really well. I love the rhyming in the third line too. Although I would take the second 'to' out and put a comma. Like this:

To the abandoned part, the inside of her heart

I don't really like the fourth line. It doesn't seem relevant and doesn't make sense. I'd talk about her abandoned bit of her heart still rather than finding it. I'd leave the finding bit till later.


The lads shout more as she struts across the floor
But they’ll never score when she vanishes out the door
To them shes just some *****y little *****
While inside leaves a heart , a heart bleeding raw

The first two lines seem okay although vanishes ruins the patttern a bit. Maybe try?:

But they'll never score when she walks right out/out of the door?

I don't like the way the next two lines rhyme with the first two but that's just my opinion. They seem okay otherwise.


Just not what you expect a different person down inside
Smiling, posing, laughing, joking , just in order to hide
But it won’t matter how many times she’s tried
It wont cover up for the tears she’s cried

Again, love the first two lines, we start getting to know about the girl and who she really is and what she's hiding about herself. I don't understand the next two. How many time she's tried what? Also the last line doesn't seem to flow. It just doesn't seem to fit.


Waste away the days, its just too late to undo
The easy reputation she got trapped into
One day her shredded act will become explicit, see through
We’ll wait for that day to come, and there’s nothing she can do

And again love the first two lines how they fit in together and the mysteriousness of what she's done. You could maybe edit it to this:?

The easy reputation she has got herself trapped into

The second two lines are fine too although maybe change shredded to a word that would make us understand how she felt? Like dreadful or disappointing or something that relates to how the girl feels. Also why would we wait to find the truth, is it important?

I do like the song and it sounds like it's going well. All I recommend now is that you carry on explaining what the girl has done like her "act" and how she overcome it and what's it turned her into. Like a better person or a worse person kinda thing?

I'm no songwriter myself although I have written one song for my Performing Arts GCSE but yeahh they're just my thoughts and opinions anyway. Like it so far though and good luck with the rest!

[clueless]

wow thankyou so much thats really perfect and really helpful for me :]
im definatly going to take your comments into consideration thanks so much!!!

and btw corking the dart is hitting the bullseye so basically its hard to find her heart kind of thing!!

thanks so much :]

and thanks katie btw!

[Toughened]

wow thankyou so much thats really perfect and really helpful for me :]
im definatly going to take your comments into consideration thanks so much!!!

and btw corking the dart is hitting the bullseye so basically its hard to find her heart kind of thing!!

thanks so much :]

and thanks katie btw!

Ahh right I get you now. Glad I could help anyway and I would love to read the rest of it when you have finished !