Short Vampire Story

[::Art::]

Haha that was great!
I'm older and I couldn't write something that good lol. I usually just right 1 page stories about random stuff lol

[Gibs960]

This is really good
But a bit of advice would be to tone it down with all the movement

What do you mean by tone it down?

[Shar]

Just like lose a bit of it? So it doesn't get overwhelming, other than that I think it's awesome

[Nixt]

I think it's really good, particularly for someone of your age. I think maybe change the tiger's teeth simile as Tiger's teeth are MASSIVE.

The bit that just didn't flow for me was the following:

It was excruciating. He continued to suck - I knew it was the end. My eyes flew open with shock. I started to get dizzy. After 1 minute of him sucking I finally tried to push him off, my strength, sense of smell & hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire…

I don't quite like the whole sucking description. Not only because of the sexual innuendo it just sounds pretty crude. Perhaps change it to something like:

It was excruciating. He continued to gorge on the liquid flowing from my veins - I knew it was the end. My eyes widened in shock. I began to feel dizzy. After what felt like an eternity of pain I finally managed to push him away. My strength had returned, my sense of smell and hearing had dramatically increased. I was a vampire...

It's not amazing just a quick edit that I think will make it work better. Overall though, good effort

[matt$]

Maybe instead of using "After 1 Minute of him sucking" use 'As he drained me dry" or something, other than that it's quite good.

EDIT: Like Garion said it just reminds me of sexual innuendos

[Gibs960]

Not only because of the sexual innuendo it just sounds pretty crude.

What do you mean by that?

[Nixt]

What do you mean by that?

In terms of description it's relatively crude, as in poorly constructed.

[Gibs960]

In terms of description it's relatively crude, as in poorly constructed.

I mean the sexual bit :S

[matt$]

I mean the sexual bit :S

You'll understand when your older

[Nixt]

I mean the sexual bit :S

Well as you're writing something with a Gothic theme, it's kind of like a sexual innuendo? A Gothic convention is sexuality, and by overtly putting sucking in it just sounds dodgy, tbh. More important than that though is my above point about the poor construction.