[Article] Why I Won't Ever Adopt

[Kimmy]

I haven't written an article in a while because I've had severe writers block when it comes to anything creative. I come home from college, eat dinner then sink into bed. Whenever I try to conjure up something controversial or creative, my mind falters and so recently my imagination has been more or less limp.
However, this time I've decided to take a real personal approach to an article and talk about something really dear to me. If you're the humorous type of person who only likes to read fun-filled things, this probably isn't your type of thing. Please, please don't judge me. I've been wanting to write something like this for a long time but it never comes out... right. This isn't supposed to be taken as attention seeking at all, but I'd love to know of anyone else out there who's shared the same experiences, and what stories they have to tell as it's really hard to find other people who have the same views as I do.

When I was a child, I was adopted. Childhood wasn't supposed to be filled with what mine had been, and so I was given up and given away when matters progressively worsened. By the time I was twelve I'd forgotten almost everything about my childhood. My new family had worked hard on building newer, better memories on the bad ones, and as I grew up they succeeded. Soon everything I'd known about my previous home had been obliterated.
When I was fourteen my friend and I were having a conversation about what we'd do if we were to find out we were adopted. It was a friendly conversation, one that included joking about running away and finding our real parents; all with the belief that who we called 'mum' and 'dad' were biological in all senses at that time. I remember that it was in a science lesson, with Mrs. Bryce constantly hushing us from our conversations only for us to go back to them when her back was turned.
I'd never really posed the question to my parents before. You can always joke to your brothers and your sisters that they're 'adopted' or from a different home when you argue, but you never ever expect those jokes and those comments to become so very real when you jokingly pose the same question to your mum,
“Am I adopted?”
My mum hid herself away for a while, and I never truly understood what I'd said wrong until she called me in and sat me down for a 'chat'.
That 'chat' we had was one that broke my heart and changed my life all in one. The adverts you see on TV with the sad, sad children in need of a better home or some money to support them never ever would have been matched to my own reality before I knew. I'd lived my whole life with the belief that I was someone else and something else and it took a huge chunk out of me, leaving me longing to have it back... to find it. I was empty. Parts of me that I'd been told came from my 'dad's side' were actually puzzle pieces from some stranger out there. I even found out that I wasn't even fully Scottish, icing the cake with more 'fun facts' on my life.

This article was to outline the reasons that I can't, nor ever will adopt. I'll never be able to look into my child's eyes and one day tell them that I'd lied to them. I'll never be able to see that pain and that confusion, that constant longing to have answers to questions that are never there. I'd never be able to bare the thought of them one day finding their real mother and finding out she'd changed to be the role model they should have been. I wouldn't be able to hold my child in my arms and tell them that it'll be 'all right' because in pure honesty, that emptiness never is. It's never all right to be lost with who you are. I'm not selfish. Please don't look at it that way... I'd give anything to see the children that cry behind the bars of their cots have someone to look up to in life but that person can't be me. It can't be me because I'm still at loss with myself, and always will be. Having a child and promising them that there's good at the end of everything would be lies. My morals are strong, but my heart would be weak for them.

I found my biological mother this month. I found her, and it broke my heart all over again. It broke my heart not only because she still called herself my 'mum', but it broke my heart because she was everything I'd resented in myself and everything negative I'd expected her to be. She let me down. She let me down bad. She promised she'd changed but she run from me when I asked her my questions. It made me realize what I'd taken for granted in my adopted family, and that the empty feeling in my heart wasn't because I was adopted, but because she'd made me that way. I'd ruined my life over this woman, and she still dampened my dreams.

I won't adopt because I'm adopted. I won't adopt because I've realized that family means so much more to me than the lies, the abuse, the emptiness and the puzzle pieces. You live your life in a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, but I'll never present that opportunity of crash landing to a child. I'll never break their hearts in the way I broke my own.



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[Brad]

Kim,
I loved this so much. It brought tears to my eyes to know that your adoption parents kept the vital important part from your life. I have always wanted to adopt, and seeing this side made me realized that if I were to adopt, I should never keep that part hidden. So important. Thank you for this eye opening article!

[Empired]

It's interesting to see another person's take on it but I am slightly shocked at how you perceive adoption to be 'lying' to your children. I was adopted and had been told that since the day I arrived, although I was old enough to remember past fosterings and even little bits of my own mother. I would never consider my birth mother to be my 'real' mother and she has definitely made it clear that she does not consider me any daughter of hers. (We met up a few years ago for her wedding. Never again. I will not even accept birthday cards from her anymore.) I could go into some very personal stories but tbh I am uncomfortable about sharing them with real friends and family, let alone to a bunch of strangers on the internet (some of you aren't strangers but i hope you know what i mean!!).

Adoption saved my life; I'd been fostered for a long time beforehand because I was taken away from my birth mother forcibly and so she decided to make things difficult by refusing to let me be put up for adoption. Or at least I think that's what happened idk this was 9 or 10 years ago now and I didn't understand at the time and don't care now.

I completely and utterly disagree with the idea that an adopted child is not 'your child'. Any idiot can have a baby. Any idiot can spread her legs and get herself pregnant. The thing that makes you a mother or a father is the family things like kissing a grazed knee and applying a Scooby-Doo plaster or having to spend ages brushing your squirming child's tangled hair.

Also, if you do not adopt a child, that doesn't mean it gets to stay with its biological parents. Adoptive parents are not forcing a child away from their 'real' parents, they are giving it a home that they would otherwise not have.

It seems we have very different approaches to adoption, and that's fine. Adoption works on a case-by-case basis so our stories will be completely different. Despite our differences in opinion, I'd like to +rep for having the courage to come out and tell your own account. Thanks for the interesting read

[Kimmy]

It's interesting to see another person's take on it but I am slightly shocked at how you perceive adoption to be 'lying' to your children.

There's a longer story outwith what I've said here (too personal for Habbox) which links into the whole idea of 'lies'. It's supposed to reflect on a more personal emotion than what people have actually done. Thankyou, though, for having your own opinion and sticking by it. I admire it in people, and of course, admire anyone else who can give an account of their own story without being shy of it.

[lemons]

wow ive never read habbox article in full ever! very nice read

[lawrawrrr]

This is a really interesting article - I've never really read about it from a childs' point of view before! Brought a bit of a tear to my eye reading it as well.

It's odd how the human body & mind seems to know something is wrong, like how you felt that something was wrong before you even actually knew... freaky.

I've not ruled out adoption, although I haven't ruled it IN either, but I think I wouldn't be able to lie to a child, and would tell them as soon as they were old enough to comprehend & understand it.

+rep for sharing x

[KEILLERISBANNED]

Really good article, well done for sharing!
+rep

[Nathan6619]

Awwwww kimmy thats amazing

[buttons]

good read. i'm not adopted but i do take some issues with the article. i'm not intending to be offensive or negative but if you'd like to clear yourself up then please do;

firstly; you say your parents gave you good, better memories than you'd have had with your bio mother and that you realized how much you'd taken them for granted once you met her. didn't they do a good thing for you? cause at the end you say you won't adopt because of the lies and abuse which seems a bit harsh, especially if there wasn't real abuse (from your adoptive parents) going on. like i say, feel free to correct me

+ again with the "i won't adopt because family means more to me than the lies, the abuse, the emptiness and the puzzle pieces." do you not see your adoptive parents as your family? & trust me, all that happens in biological families. a new secret will pop up in mine every few years which are best left secret. if i had known what my life would be like in this family before i was born, i'd be glad to be adopted.

i suppose i just feel a bit sad for adoptive parents having to tell the kids they're adopted because to them you're their kid and that's that. then by telling them you jeopardize the relationship they've built. it would suck for the adoptee and adopted because the adoptee is (hopefully) doing a good thing but in the end the whole relationship can be ruined and the bringing the kid up in a good family can all be 'obliterated' as you put it and your loving and caring has been for nothing.

i definitely see why you wouldn't want to adopt because of the emptiness and the confusion of who you are and it does make me wonder about how to go about it if i'm ever to adopt. my cousins girlfriend adopted her nephew at the age of 2 and they've always been honest with him and he understands that he came from another woman but still calls the one who brings him up mum. i wonder if that would have made a difference for you? i'll definitely keep it in mind if i do ever adopt.

[FlyingJesus]

Can you not just not lie to them