Football Jokes Thread

[Geraint]

Not so much a joke but Jack's "Fancy dress at old trafford most have gone as seats" was ******* hilarious.

[Mexel]

ol: Laughed at most of those.

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and *** in his gob".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's ********. He plays for Derby County but I'm too embarrassed to say".

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A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ****** wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No ****!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

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What's the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of united supporters?

The hedgehog's got the *****s on the outside.

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A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man United fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

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Heard the latest African Nations Cup score?
Tunisia ate, Ethiopia didn't.

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How many Wigan Athletic fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Both of them.

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What's the difference between an arsonist and Newcastle United.

An arsonist won't waste his last 10 matches.

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Ivory Coast 5, Malawi 0.

Ivory Coast fans were "Over the Moon".

Malawi fans were said to be "Crushed".

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For sale... One Arsenal dartboard. No doubles or trebles on it.

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It was my birthday on Saturday and I settled down to watch the Man Utd - Spurs game. Just before kick off my girlfriend turns up with a card and present. As I started to open the gift she excitedly exclaimed that I should wear it during the game. To my surprise I held up a Manchester City shirt.

"You do know that I'm a Man Utd fan?" I ask.
"Yeah I know but I thought this one matches your eyes"

It's her birthday soon so I've bought her a West Ham shirt to match her newly bruised face.

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West Ham United sign 2 Iraqi players and the manager gives them their debut in an important league match. The ball comes spinning towards them but the captain, who's also well placed to receive the pass, shouts,

"Mine!" and both players hit the ground immediately.

I was just in stiches reading most of them

Not so much a joke but Jack's "Fancy dress at old trafford most have gone as seats" was ******* hilarious.

I get that nearly every week when i go to work about St Andrews lol.

[Jack.Lfc]

Not so much a joke but Jack's "Fancy dress at old trafford most have gone as seats" was ******* hilarious.

ol:

Cant believe u havnt heard that before.

[Joepetto]

The home dressing room at Old Trafford minutes before the kick off to the manchester derby and a team talk is taking place:
"Right lads I want 110% effort from you right from the word go. Remember these *******s did us on the anniversary of Munich. Slip up today and they'll have the bragging rights in the city and those cockney ******s at Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I dont care if you kick, punch or headbutt your way to victory but you HAVE to win this. Good luck guys"
At this point Fergie walks in and says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here"

[-Heart]

The home dressing room at Old Trafford minutes before the kick off to the manchester derby and a team talk is taking place:
"Right lads I want 110% effort from you right from the word go. Remember these *******s did us on the anniversary of Munich. Slip up today and they'll have the bragging rights in the city and those cockney ******s at Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I dont care if you kick, punch or headbutt your way to victory but you HAVE to win this. Good luck guys"
At this point Fergie walks in and says "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here"

ol:.

[Geraint]

ol:

Cant believe u havnt heard that before.

I've heard most jokes on here before but not that one.

[-Heart]

Just thought I'd bump this.

After years of seeking for him, America has finally offered $100,000,000 for Bin Laden.

Man City have subsequently offered $105,000,000.

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My Geordie mate awoke from a 3 year coma last night. Being a die hard Magpies fan, one of the first things he asked was "How are Newcastle doing this season?"

"They're top of the table" I told him, and watched his face light up and he jumped for joy.

"However, I probably should let you know there is a rather large "but" coming..."

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I was rather disappointed in the low turnout at my local polling station.

I don't see why people should struggle to put a cross in a box.

Then again, I do live in Newcastle.

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Thats awful news about West Ham's Calum Davenport being in a critical condition in hospital after a stabbing at his home.

I just put him in my fantasy football team.

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I was watching a sports round-up the other day.

I think that it's so inspiring to see someone who was badly burnt as a child, suffers from dwarfism and downs syndrome can still reach the pinnacle of their chosen sport.

So may I say congratulations to Carlos Tevez on a fantastic goal against West Ham.

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Why does Rafa keep rotating his squad?

To keep the robbers guessing who'll be at home on matchdays!

[Geraint]

Swansea. ol: ol: ol: ol:

[adaym]

Wales. ol: ol: ol: ol:

[Mexel]

Villa fan won on the lottery and brought the club a player, he said he will do the same next time he wins a tenner.