Can a relationship work without trust?

[Triz]

Can relationships work when the trust is gone?

My brother recently got cheated on and after months and months of him trying to make it work in an attempt to not throw away the 5 years they've had together, he's finally had to call it a day. She hasn't done anything since the initial 'event', however he was never really able to move forward with it always lingering in the back of his mind.

Do you think the length of relationship has an affect on whether or not you can earn someones trust back? For example; had they been together for 30 years, would he have been able to put it in the past and not worry 24/7 about what she's doing and who she's with?

What are your views
If someone has cheated on their partner, can they truly ever be forgiven and move past it?

THIS DEBATE ENDS ON THE 7th MARCH

For more information on the debate guidelines and how to win prizes see the guidelines thread here

[Triz]

This debate is now open!

[scottish]

No.

/Thread

[Triz]

No.

/Thread

Would you not argue that if a person has kids together... perhaps young ones, then its worth fighting to stay together? Or perhaps if they've been together 30 odd years and made one silly mistake, is it worth throwing that all away and not even trying?

I'm not saying it's right or condoning it, but when I was cheated on, I tried to give it a chance, rather have giving up on the spot because of what she had done, and we were only together about 4 and a half years, I like to think that if we had been together a lot longer or perhaps had kids together then I would have tried even harder and perhaps for longer...

Though this thread isn't just about cheating, but rather trust in general. Perhaps your partner no longer trusts you because you once stole from them, is that something you can redeem yourself for?

[lawrawrrr]

It depends what kind of trust IMO. If you don't trust someone to not cheat on you or something like that, then no.

If you don't trust yourself, don't trust they will clean properly or whatever, these are minor things that coooould be worked on.

I actually would go far as to say that don't think implicit 100% trust in ANYONE is a healthy thing to aim for actually!

[FlyingJesus]

I think you're asking two very different questions here.

Can you have a relationship without trust? No. Trust to some degree is the basis of any relationship even casual friends or colleagues, so having no trust in someone at all means you can't have a working relationship. Forgiveness for cheating however can happen; it's a very specific trust that's been broken and while it's obviously not nice it doesn't negate everything else about the relationship and it can be built back up depending on the situations and people involved.

[Triz]

But at the same time you can have forgiveness for cheating but never fully regain their trust... I think for something such as cheating, then it almost outweighs everything else. How can you possibly go on with them with the thought always lingering in the back of your mind.. the what ifs.

I don't think trust to that degree can ever be built back up... It can be ignored but never come back.. there will always be doubt, and doubting someone not to cheat on you again isn't exactly a trusting relationship

[Samantha]

I think it depends why you don't trust them, and what they have done for you to question in to begin with. I also think that it depends on your age moreso than the time you've been together. Every relationship that ends is a learning curve and when you start a new relationship you tend to realise what was wrong in your previous ones.

For example, one of my exes never physically cheated on me, but he did message people (anonymously) asking inappropriate questions and tried to chat up at least two people that were close to me. I didn't end it, I was young and it was my first proper relationship. I don't think I trusted him, but he didn't give me reason to trust him either. Now though, if I was in a relationship where that happened again, I wouldn't hesitate to end it even though it would end up with me being single.

Another example is my relationship now. We've been together 4 years next week, and I can honestly say we trust each other 99.99% and I believe it makes our relationship so much better and means neither of us have to worry. My boyfriend originally started liking me in 2012 when we met - the trust is there because I knew he liked me but I wouldn't cheat on my (ex) boyfriend with him (nor did he want me to), but if I had done then I don't think our relationship would have lasted and I don't believe he would have trusted me (therefore it wouldn't have worked). Now, I'm not saying this is the same for every relationship, it's primarily up to the person and what their views on it are. Personally, I don't think a relationship is healthy if you don't trust your partner, it creates a lot of uneeded worry and stress when a relationship should be a loving thing.

In regards to other things, I believe if someone says they will do something and then they don't - you might get annoyed and not trust them to do it if you ask again, but a good relationship requires good communication, so you should be able to ask them why they haven't done it etc. If I was cheated on, maybe I would try and make it work, but in reality I know full well I wouldn't be able to trust them again. Also, if they cheated on you, there's nothing to say they won't do it again and you'll question why they did it and why you weren't good enough for them.

Overall, it's up to the person and their personal view on it, but for me I don't believe a relationship will work without any trust.

[scottish]

Would you not argue that if a person has kids together... perhaps young ones, then its worth fighting to stay together? Or perhaps if they've been together 30 odd years and made one silly mistake, is it worth throwing that all away and not even trying?

I'm not saying it's right or condoning it, but when I was cheated on, I tried to give it a chance, rather have giving up on the spot because of what she had done, and we were only together about 4 and a half years, I like to think that if we had been together a lot longer or perhaps had kids together then I would have tried even harder and perhaps for longer...

Though this thread isn't just about cheating, but rather trust in general. Perhaps your partner no longer trusts you because you once stole from them, is that something you can redeem yourself for?

I don't think trust can be repaired no matter how long you've been together, if they can do something once they can do it again and that will always be in the back of your mind no matter what. So the next time they're in the same situation (say they cheated on you on a night out) it'll be in the back of your mind and every other situation after that, you will never fully trust them again.

I think without trust the relationship would eventually fall apart, no matter how much you fight to stay together or believe you're 'over it' or whatever.

[Triz]

I never understand the people that cheat. Even if it's them cheating on the current partner for you, you're just setting yourself up for failure, because if they're capable of doing that to someone else, then they're capable of doing it to you as well.

Once a cheat always a cheat in my eyes.

Though I do think you owe it to yourself to at least try and not throw away X years relationship in the blink of an eye, even if you're 99% sure it's not going to work, I say at least try until you realise that it's 100% not going to work, then you can say you did you're best and didn't discard the relationship like you met yesterday.