Read my poem rate it out of 10 take your time please

[Bloodkanekiller]

18 people bully me each day
and cry and sigh and im like their prey
they hit and they punch
broke my nose
pay backs comeing
and my teeth are about to crunch
4 years i have waited
by the time i was late
and i think they new they was gonna have fate
4 years past
i went down a hill
pushed them of there bike
and i was out for the kill
sentenced to prison for 6 years
killing the person who gave me fears
but i ended it
what a shame
a life waisted
i was in the blame.

The End

[KickerFliper]

6/10

There Wording Was A Bit Wrong

[Baulege]

Not very good

-5.6 ( Yes thats a minus )

Edited by Jacko2kn3: do not swear

[Vicious-Elmo]

Not very good

-5.6 ( Yes thats a minus )

Edited by Jacko2kn3: do not swear

Come on baulege it wasnt that bad.

I'd give it a 7/10 not bad but you need to check your spelling before you post :rolleyes: Well done anyways 3

[Convictions]

I'd give it 6/10, it would have been better if there was a clear definition between verses.

[-=rooty987=-]

I thought i would improve it, sorry, i felt the urge to,

People bullied me every day,
And I cried and sighed and I was like their prey,
They hit me and punched me,
They hurt me so much I could hardly see,
Pay back came,
No doubt that I would be to blame,
Years I had waited,
The time was here,
I ran down the hill where I had once lay in silence,
I pushed them off the bikes that they had once ran me over with – in such violence,
I stood tall and killed that lad,
Sentenced to prison – but I felt glad,
I killed the boy who scared me so,
The guy who thought it was funny – and put on a show,
What a shame that I couldn’t see,
That everything would end up blamed on me.


See you changed the tense ( i think thats the word LOL ) Which basically means you started writing in the present, then went into the past.
So i corrected this, and TRIED to improve the overall story. Feelf ree to edit your post and use this one, im not bothered :p

Dan
XXX

[Surname]

I thought i would improve it, sorry, i felt the urge to,

People bullied me every day,
And I cried and sighed and I was like their prey,
They hit me and punched me,
They hurt me so much I could hardly see,
Pay back came,
No doubt that I would be to blame,
Years I had waited,
The time was here,
I ran down the hill where I had once lay in silence,
I pushed them off the bikes that they had once ran me over with – in such violence,
I stood tall and killed that lad,
Sentenced to prison – but I felt glad,
I killed the boy who scared me so,
The guy who thought it was funny – and put on a show,
What a shame that I couldn’t see,
That everything would end up blamed on me.


See you changed the tense ( i think thats the word LOL ) Which basically means you started writing in the present, then went into the past.
So i corrected this, and TRIED to improve the overall story. Feelf ree to edit your post and use this one, im not bothered :p

Dan
XXX

That's alot better then the original one :eusa_danc

[Painiac]

Agreed... The original..... *shudders* Original = 1/10 Skibs' One = 5/10