'You must learn to love yourself before you can love others'

[Deindividuation]

This is a very very common banner that's quite often emphasized to those with self-image or self-esteem issues, and just in general really.
For me personally, this saying irritates me as it's almost placing a metaphorical stigma or limit on those who do suffer with the above concerns.

I'm curious to know your opinions regarding it. Do you believe that in order to love somebody else and sustain a relationship, you must love yourself beforehand? If not, why not? And if so, to what extent and why?

[nic01e]

I believe you need to be comfortable with yourself and that if you can't find happiness on your own, then you're not ready for a relationship.

You shouldn't require a relationship to find happiness in world, you should be able to be in a relationship and still happy with your own company.

[FlyingJesus]

4real though I don't really agree, it's very possible to have outward love without having inward love. Would certainly make things easier for all involved but I don't believe loving yourself is prerequisite to loving someone else, no

[buttons]

Yeah I disagree with the concept also.

Though I would say having low self-esteem or self-worth in terms of relationship can lead to unloving behaviours - e.g. can become abusive or controlling because you're worried the other will leave you, or be so afraid of being lonely you "settle" or date someone you don't really love because of that fear of not having someone. Having self-love and worth can help with being independent and not settling or being with someone you don't really love.

The concept I REALLY hate however is the one of "you can't be loved unless you love yourself" that's complete horseshit.

[scottish]

+1 on no

I loved someone for ages (badly - soz) and I never loved myself so I disagree.

I also disagree with @nic01e; I have NEVER found happiness on my own and I doubt I ever will, I do not enjoy my own company and much prefer being in the company of others. Even if it's doing the same thing (e.g. watching something on TV) I much prefer having someone else around me rather than being on my own. It's nothing about me, I just do not enjoy not having someone around me, idk what it is maybe I was just born to be social instead of hiding in my room ages.

but agree with above too about self worth, I do not love myself but I do realise my worth now so I wouldn't settle for less than I feel I deserve and if being with someone doesn't fully make me happy then I'm out (I don't mean that in the sense that their job is to make me happy, but if their presence in my life is more stress/unhappy etc rather than being a positive/happy influence on my life) - if you asked me this a year ago I couldn't imagine saying those words

idk if that even makes sense

[Deindividuation]

@scottish

I'm currently at the point you were a year ago, but to know people like yourself have been able to be stronger than those crappy feelings and overcome it to feel that way makes me feel a lot more optimistic and hopeful.

@buttons

170% Agree here. The amount of times I've heard people throw around that you can't expect to find love or a functioning relationship or somebody who loves you if you haven't managed to accept/love yourself is ridiculous. Even for myself, I can definitely say that I do not in any term love myself and I'm not contempt with myself, but I know that I've been loved. I feel like it's some kind of poster that people who have overindulged in self-help books like to throw up, both that you cant be loved nor love others without loving yourself first.

@nic01e

I agree in one way, but I do feel more strongly that being shown love, care and affection by somebody else can ensure that you're given support while you build up the strength to be accepting of yourself. There are so many cases where trying to figure your own worth in such a way that kind of isolates you, without the unconditional support of, lets say the one person in your heart at the minute, just doesn't work. So in that I agree that realising ones worth prior to entering a relationship would be nonetheless helpful, I disagree that without it it's a sign that you're not ready for a relationship in such a way that makes it seem like a prerequisite.

[buttons]

Yeah it's the same as that phrase "depressed people are intelligent because they know how the world is" lmao no they aren't, generally they're depressed because they have a completely warped sense of reality. Life is what you make it sorry to be cliche.

I don't know if I love myself. I have my bad days when I feel really down about myself, mostly about things I haven't achieved yet, and especially if I compare myself with others.

When I first started talking to my now-boyfriend around a year and a half ago, I was very very low and still in shitty situations and a shit mindset. He was extremely attentive, caring and supportive of me. I have good self worth and self love now because he showed me that I was a worthy person. He supported me even when I was making bad decisions. So this "you can't be loved unless you love yourself" shit is wrong. I love myself because someone else loved me when I didn't. So yes, to some extent, you need to love yourself to make good decisions, but sometimes you can only make good decisions and become the best person you can be because someone loves you and supports you enough to give you the strength to do that.

[scottish]

It took an unhappy relationship for me to realise that though.

I couldn't imagine ending a relationship a year ago, and would have quite happily settled for anyone who was willing to share the same kind of goals in a relationship (moving in together within a year, starting a family etc within a few) that I obviously found attractive. I then dated (well I say dated, we had 1 date then she stayed at mine..) someone who wanted similar things then we were in a relationship for a few months, which was alright but a few red flags at the start then I quickly realised I wasn't happy, more red flags/controlling and I tried to talk it out, ended up breaking it off because she was cray and I realised I was happier being alone than I was with her.

I don't think I would have realised that without having that bad relationship though (soz), don't get into a bad relationship to figure that out though

I would not settle for someone who doesn't make a positive and happy contribution to my life, I also look for certain things in a partner so I'm more picky (not even that picky @lawrawrrrr; right??) than I would of been before.

[lawrawrrr]

It took an unhappy relationship for me to realise that though.

I couldn't imagine ending a relationship a year ago, and would have quite happily settled for anyone who was willing to share the same kind of goals in a relationship (moving in together within a year, starting a family etc within a few) that I obviously found attractive. I then dated (well I say dated, we had 1 date then she stayed at mine..) someone who wanted similar things then we were in a relationship for a few months, which was alright but a few red flags at the start then I quickly realised I wasn't happy, more red flags/controlling and I tried to talk it out, ended up breaking it off because she was cray and I realised I was happier being alone than I was with her.

I don't think I would have realised that without having that bad relationship though (soz), don't get into a bad relationship to figure that out though

I would not settle for someone who doesn't make a positive and happy contribution to my life, I also look for certain things in a partner so I'm more picky (not even that picky @lawrawrrrr; right??) than I would of been before.

Mate you can't even spell my username right -rep

but yes i would agree based on RECENT conversations that you're not THAT picky, before the way you talked about your wishes was like must tick all!!

[scottish]

Mate you can't even spell my username right -rep

but yes i would agree based on RECENT conversations that you're not THAT picky, before the way you talked about your wishes was like must tick all!!

who removed an r from your name :|

that's your fault because you banned me from calling you lawrawrrr so I forgot how many r's